


Fallhoehe

by akani



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-14 21:28:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 55,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5759491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akani/pseuds/akani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasuke is a fucked up teenager when he meets his childhood rival Naruto again in university. Naruto soon discovers that he needs help and, before he notices, Sasuke is already guilt-tripping him into an unhealthy relationship, dragging him down in the course of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

His raven hair was in a total mess as he fell to his knees. He felt like he was crying, but there were no tears on his face any more, just blood on his wrists, covering them, warming them. He seriously just wanted to puke his shattered heart out, but that wouldn’t happen. He knew, because it never happened.

„Sasuke, you in there?“  
Distant banging on his door. The person in front of his door was probably shouting, but it just didn’t quite make it through to him.  
„Open the fucking door or I’ll kick it in!“

Like that idiot seriously expected any movement from the black haired mess that had locked himself in his room again. It wasn’t like it was the first time this month his sorry ass needed saving.

Everything was in a bloody blur when the door finally gave in to some crazy ass blonde’s kicking.  
„You used to have manners, you shithead“, Naruto spat out. While he probably tried his best to seem angry. The way he gently grabbed the other’s bleeding arm to wrap it with whatever piece of clothing he found on the floor next to him, gave away that it was only his concern speaking.

„No need to raise your voice.“

„Shut it. You better be good now or I’ll smack your swollen face!“  
Was it that swollen? The black haired boy didn’t know. Had he cried after all? He still lacked any feeling in his body, so it was impossible to tell.

„You ruined the door, Naruto.“

„I do hope so. They better not replace it this time. Enabling you to close a door behind you is not a good idea after all.“

„You gonna tell on me?“

„I really should.“  
But Sasuke knew he wouldn’t. He never did. Although it was pretty close sometimes, especially when he’d first found out about it. Naruto was such a loud and annoying character, it just made the black haired boy want to shut him up from time to time, so when words wouldn’t do the job one day they'd gotten into a fight, which had only ended when Naruto had been kneeling on Sasuke and his sleeves had rolled up, revealing his destroyed arms. No one else had seen, but it was enough to shock the blonde enough, so Sasuke could throw him off and dash to his room.   
Why the idiot had followed him he‘d never quite understood. But why he’d let him in when he was banging on his door demanding to talk to him he knew quite well. He’d been crying for help for years, silently though, and it had been a relief when someone had finally answered his desperate cries. Sasuke remembered well how he told Naruto everything there ever was to tell. They’d talked for hours, he’d completely come clean before the blonde and it had felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. He’d only barely gotten Naruto to keep it to himself. 

„There’s no way I can let this continue“, the blonde finally said.  
„You need help, don’t you see? Not only medical attention right now, but serious help. You’re destroying yourself.“

„Hell yeah, I am. What would I be tearing my skin apart for otherwise?“

The grin only faded from his face when a fist connected to his jaw.   
„Told you to shut it before, didn’t I?“

The punch had only been a weak one. Sasuke knew that there was no way Naruto would try to hurt him any further in this state, despite all the insults and his acted anger. He was broken enough already, there was no sense in hurting him any more.

„Telling on me is not gonna help me in any way. Quite the opposite actually.“

„Don’t get all smart on me. I’m trying to help your sorry ass.“

„Must have missed that along all the insults and you kicking my fucking door in!“  
He raised his voice at the end of his sentence, emphasising his anger about his damaged door.

„You could’ve just opened, bastard!“

„Moron.“

This wasn’t going anywhere, they both knew, so Naruto decided to help Sasuke to his feet in order to take him to his room, before lectures ended and the halls became crowded. He didn’t want people to find out about Sasuke’s weakness by looking into his room and finding him bleeding on the floor. The blonde knew well to support Sasuke and walk slowly, after all they’d ended on the floor before, because the raven had lost consciousness from moving too fast in his state.

The blonde’s bed was so much softer than Sasuke's. He liked his hard mattress but he also enjoyed the contrast sometimes. 

„I’ll be right back“, Naruto announced.  
An uttered „Thank you“ was all Sasuke could get out, before being pulled into a deep sleep.

One thing Sasuke knew for sure. Naruto was the hero he certainly did not deserve. But he needed him so badly.

When he woke up, he found Naruto sleeping beside him. So he’d come back after all. He’d probably cleaned up Sasuke’s mess and informed the janitor about the broken door, so it would be fixed before lectures ended. Even though the raven haired teen didn’t own much, he didn’t need anything stolen from him.

“You awake?”, Sasuke asked.  
Now that he was, he couldn’t stand the silence. As if a relapse wasn’t bad enough, the silence afterwards fucked him up completely. He wondered though why he could never take it further. He thought about suicide so much, but never crossed that line. Sasuke’s injuries were really severe sometimes, but they were never suicide attempts. Although he knew exactly what to do, he never did. He probably never did it, because he didn’t really wish to die. The teen just didn’t want to live, wasn’t quite able to, there’s a huge difference between that. Some people just aren’t able to live in this world, not everyone’s made to be alive and Sasuke always felt like he was one of them. Life to him seemed too much to take most of the time to an extent where he literally just hurt. The rest of the time he felt inexplicably numb. This state caused his worst wounds. The ones that needed stitches, the ones that could possibly make him bleed to death, because his nerves wouldn’t tell him when it was enough. He hated the absence of pain, because he always felt it was the most intense feeling a living human being could experience, so what was the point of living if you didn’t feel that? And how could you even tell you were alive at all?

His thoughts tortured him, the silence was unbearable, although it only took Naruto a few seconds to react. To Sasuke it felt like hours.

“Kinda.”

“Thanks for…”  
But the right words wouldn’t come to him.

“…this.”

“It’s okay.”

It really wasn’t. It was nowhere near okay, but the raven haired boy needed to believe this lie for some time in order not to be consumed by his demons again.  
He moved closer to Naruto, who always kept his distance while Sasuke slept. He never wanted to disrupt his sleep, since the bags under the black haired teen’s eyes screamed how much he needed it. It had become a habit between the two of them; Naruto waited for Sasuke to wake up and approach him first before embracing him in a gentle hug. No one would probably guess how gentle the blonde could be judging by how clumsy he was most of the time.  
In the beginning Sasuke had felt weird for sharing this intimacy with the dork, but he’d surrendered by now. He fought himself enough, his strength was limited, very much so.

They didn’t talk for hours, just laid there, almost motionless. Sasuke didn’t even remember when his life had become so seriously fucked up and he hated dragging Naruto into this, but he was far too weak to change anything about his situation, their situation. 

Would this ever end?


	2. Chapter 2

“Anything else hidden around here?”, Naruto asked.

“No.”

“Liar.”

He was right, Sasuke was lying. He always was when it came to handing out every sharp object in his room. You wouldn’t know how creative self-harm can make you. Naruto held a shoe box that contained everything from actual razor blades to needles, even scalpels.

“Where do you even find that shit?”

Sasuke didn’t answer. It was a rhetorical question anyway, since Naruto knew that there was no answer to it. The black haired teen found his so called 'tools' everywhere.

To Sasuke this whole scenario felt equal to a drugs bust. Naruto went through all of his stuff and damn, he’d gotten so good at finding his tools. The first few times the blonde had only taken actual blades, leaving the Uchiha with scissors, a broken pocket mirror he hadn’t checked and a pencil sharpener. The whole thing just delayed the next relapse anyway, but at least it prevented the next knee-jerk reaction.

“Are we done yet?”   
Sasuke was getting nervous.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Then leave me alone.”

Naruto was already about to leave as he turned around one last time.  
“Phone”, he demanded.

“Fuck off.”  
But he still handed him his mobile and the blonde removed the battery cap to remove the last razor blade in Sasuke’s possession.

“Satisfied with yourself, bastard?”

His words stung, but he didn’t mean it. At least that’s what Naruto told himself, questioning why he still kept up with Sasuke’s shit, but he couldn’t let him down now, could he?  
He left for his room without a word. He wouldn’t have been able to say anything without letting the other know that he’d gotten to him, and that, he surely didn’t want.  
Leaving him behind in his room felt wrong, but Naruto couldn’t force himself onto him. If Sasuke sent him away, he’d have to go, no matter how much he hated it.

Having arrived in his room, he wanted to put away that cursed box first. It contained everything that had marked Sasuke’s body so far. Just knowing that sent a shiver down his spine, although he’d grown horribly fascinated to the tools lately. He’d sometimes get the box out of his cupboard and closely examine its contents, holding them in his hands, testing their sharpness. He’d even cut his finger once in the process and it had stung for days. If that was what a tiny cut felt like, he couldn’t fathom how Sasuke could actively put himself through this.  
Looking at them again, he was repulsed by how clean they all looked. At least some of them Sasuke’d had and used for months, but they weren’t stained at all. It was so much like him to keep it all clean. That’s what his whole room was like; clean. But what use was keeping your room clean if your head was in such a mess? He was always so keen on tricking everyone into believing he was an entirely different person. Naruto remembered well how he’d met him when they were young. They’d gone to the same elementary school. Konoha elementary was known for its kind teachers who prepared their students well for their teens without forcing them too much.   
Everyone’d loved Sasuke. He’d done well in school, stuck to the rules and he was simply handsome. Naruto’d hated him. Although he knew now that it had never truly been hate he’d felt, it had always been envy, but you don’t get the difference as a child.  
The two of them had developed a rivalry soon. To Naruto, Sasuke’d seemed just too perfect and it’d made him sick that he’d gotten all the attention the blonde had needed so badly.  
They’d gone to different high schools though. After the death of Sasuke’s whole family and the disappearance of his beloved brother, who’d always picked him up from elementary school, everything about him had changed. He’d become so awfully dark, which had only attracted more people to him.   
Sasuke had started high school with Naruto, but one day he’d simply been gone and no one had known where to, hence the surprise when the blonde had noticed him in one of his lectures. He knew now that his black haired friend had gone to Oto high school a few hours away from here, they’d had a long talk about that after one of Sasuke’s episodes. But with him it was always so hard to know if he was telling everything or even lying. He was such a great liar as he always wore a mask in front of people. Still, Naruto was sure that wasn’t the result of the death of his family and the disappearance of Itachi, there had to be so much else he wasn’t telling. He’d been somewhat gloomy all those years back but not as broken as he was now. He had such extreme mood swings Naruto was sure it could get him killed. He just seemed so sick of everything sometimes and he could always snap. Naruto didn’t know when but he hoped he’d be with him in time when it happened.

He was finally able to draw his thoughts back to the present, close the box and put it away. It was about time he got ready for his lecture anyway. Modern English Literature, he hated it. Too much reading for his liking, but at least he got to meet Gaara and the others. During high school he’d been able to make a lot of friends and become quite popular among people and he really enjoyed the attention. He was actually a really good listener and people loved that, because everyone had so much to tell. Even Sakura who’d always avoided him had become pretty close to him by now, she’d entrust him all her secrets, and things were really developing between the two of them. Naruto’d always been interested in her even though she’d never returned it, but now he felt such a close connection between them that they’d probably be going out soon.

Naruto put on one of his nicest shirts because it was Wednesday and they always went to their favourite Ramen restaurant together after lecture. Man, he loved Wednesday.


	3. Chapter 3

It could have been such a great evening, but then Sasuke called.

“You’re the worst! I hope you know”, Naruto hissed into his phone and hung up.

 

“Sorry guys, gotta run”, he told the others. He was annoyed as hell. Wednesday was his favourite day, it was the only day he’d really go out. All of his friends were there and now he had to leave. It wasn’t like they hadn’t invited Sasuke to join them, but he‘d kept refusing until they‘d stopped asking.

 

Once Naruto arrived at Sasuke’s room he was still annoyed and he wasn’t going to hide it.

 

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

He burst into the room, only to find the raven haired sitting in his chair, his back facing the door and he was obviously holding something in his hand.

 

“Not now, Naruto, please.”

 

It was something in his tone and his choice of words that drew the blonde’s thoughts back to reality. He was so used to being called over by Sasuke that he’d stopped asking why he even had to come. He sometimes forgot that his friend’s calls usually were urgent, so he’d get annoyed at him. But still, he answered every call and always came when Sasuke needed him to.

 

“Sorry, that wasn’t… I don’t even know. What’s wrong?”

 

The black haired teen turned towards Naruto, revealing what he was busying himself with. It was a Rubik’s cube.

 _Thank god_ , the blonde thought.

But relief turned back into concern rather fast when he noticed the pained look Sasuke was wearing. He looked so desperate, it was a nearly unbearable sight.

 

“It won’t work, Naruto. My mind’s failing me.”

 

“I had to rush here so you could tell me about your inability to solve that thing? Hell, I’ve never-“

 

“That’s not it”, his friend interrupted. He was visibly shaking and Naruto couldn’t figure out why. Sasuke’s behaviour scared him, because he couldn’t comprehend what this all was about. But Sasuke wasn’t going to leave him in the dark there.

“Tonight’s not a safe night”, he added, drawing in a sharp breath.

 

“Oh, I see.”

That was how the black haired mess labelled his days. Some were safe, others weren’t, and Naruto had learned over the course of the past months what exactly that meant. Tonight it probably meant that he’d rip that damn cube from his friend’s hands and not leave his side until tomorrow.

He’d already forgotten how angry he’d been at the guy for making him leave his friends, especially Sakura.

 

“Sasuke?”

 

“Hn?”

 

“Cease”, he demanded, took the Rubik’s cube from his nervous friend, and left his hand in his as a replacement. A gentle kiss was placed on the back of his hand, which left the blonde in utter confusion.

This had to end. But how was he supposed to end it? He couldn’t tell on his friend, but he couldn’t just leave him alone as well. This relationship was more poisonous now than ever and it really got to him. He’d more than once thought about trying Sasuke’s methods of venting because it was way too much to take and he didn’t have any way of getting it all off his chest. Talking to someone about it meant betraying his best friend, no way could he do that.

“Fuck!”

 

“I know, right…”

 

“You- We can’t go on like this!”

 

“I know.”

 

Natuto wondered when Sasuke’d lost all of his power. He remembered his feisty comebacks that would always provoke him and get them into fights. They hadn’t fought for an eternity now. Everything was so off.

 

“God, you just make me sick right now.”

He hadn’t meant to say it, it wasn’t something you said, but it had just slipped him.

 

“Excuse me?”

And there it was again. Sasuke’s tone was far from challenging, he just sounded so weak.

 

“Nevermind, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, okay? Let’s just leave already.”

They hardly ever spent Sasuke’s unsafe nights in his room, because Naruto hated being here. He’d seen way too many disturbing things in here and its whole aura seemed uncomfortable. He really hated being here.

 

Sasuke let go of his hand and looked away.

“It’s fine. Just go if you like.”

 

The blonde sighed. He wasn’t up for a discussion right now, so he simply grabbed his friend’s wrist in order to drag him out of here, but he immediately stopped when Sasuke sharply drew in air as a reaction to his grip. Sometimes even he himself wondered if he was thinking at all.

“Shit, sorry. But I’m not leaving you here. Now get up, let’s leave.”

 

They’d walked for more than an hour before Sasuke asked where they were even headed.

 

“Dunno. Somewhere else.”

 

“Are you kidding me?”

 

“I wouldn’t dare”, Naruto grinned.

 

Without a provoking comeback from Sasuke silence fell among them again until the blonde finally came to a halt at a small field.

“This’ll do.”

 

“Oh come on, what’s that supposed to be?”

 

“When I was younger I often came here when I felt lonely and sad. It just… gave me peace.”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

 

“It’s okay, there was no way you could. Mind having a seat with me?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

Naruto thought he’d seen him smile for a split second and something in him broke. Right now he just hurt. His best friend was basically slowly dying in front of his own eyes and there was nothing he could do about it.

“You fucking bastard.”

Tears formed in his eyes.

 

“Hn.”

 

And as the tears started to fall from his eyes the words started falling from his mouth.

“You mean the fucking world to me. Haven’t we lost enough in our lives already? I know what you feel but this can’t be your solution to this. You’re dying on me and I can’t take it cause there seems to be nothing I can do about it! One can only take so much shit and I’m really done here. I think I get how you feel now cause I can’t take it anymore! I can’t take this anymore!”

 

“You have no clue what you’re talking about!”

Suddenly there was so much rage between them.

 

“Don’t I? I don’t have a family either, y’know! You’re not the only one who has a reason to be sad. But there’s so much more to life. Look at what we’ve got. You could have a lot of friends here, they’re basically family to me, but you keep pushing them away. You just keep making yourself miserable! You might be sitting next to me right now, but I feel you’ve never returned from Oto high and I just want you back here!”

The tears continued to fall down his cheeks.

 

“You’re not making any sense. As if you’d know what I feel like. It’s not like you even had a family in the first place. You can’t lose what you don’t have, jerk.”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“Make me.”

 

Naruto tried really hard to resist the urge to hit Sasuke, but he just couldn’t. His fist flew into Sasuke’s cheek and caught him off-guard.

“Didn’t see that coming, huh?”

 

“You didn’t just hit me!”

 

“Hell yeah I did! Gonna whine about it, bitch?”

 

He already knew that last one was over the top before Sasuke’s knuckles connected to his jaw painfully. He suddenly didn’t seem so weak to Naruto anymore.

A violent fight broke out between them, in which none of them showed any mercy on the other until their faces were swollen from the bruising.

Naruto looked at his bloody knuckles and couldn’t help but wonder if it was his blood or Sasuke’s. That’s what most people forget about fighting. When hurting someone else you’re almost always hurting yourself in the progress.

He’d taken a fist to his stomach when he decided that he’d end this fight now before they’d disfigure each other any further, so after gaining his composure again he launched himself at the black haired teen, which sent them both flying backwards to the ground.

“Ugh, fuck”, Sasuke gasped as the air forcefully left his lungs when he hit the ground.

He raised his fist weakly, but Naruto caught it.

“No more.”

And at that, he let himself roll off the other and next to him.

 

“You’re done already?”, the black haired teen merely coughed.

 

“I’d continue beating the sense back into you if I had to. Don’t challenge me”, Naruto retorted.

 

“Why do you even care?”

 

“You still don’t get it? I already said it, You’re my best friend, that’s why.”

 

“But how can you still keep up with me after all this? What does it all mean to you?”

 

“I told you. It’s because I know your pain. And because I know how much it hurts, I just can’t leave you alone with it.”

 

“You’re a complete moron”, Sasuke said, laughing but ended up coughing.

 

“You want me to continue punching you until you finally open your goddamn eyes?”

 

But at that he just grinned.

 

“What’s so funny?”

It was really making Naruto want to go at him again.

 

“Nothing. It’s just this whole situation. Isn’t it funny though?”

 

“You really haven’t had enough, have ya?”

Naruto was about to sit up, as Sasuke reached over to him and held him down weakly. But at this state it was enough to keep the blonde from getting up.

 

“Stop it already. It’s fine, you’ve won. You can have this one”, the black haired admitted.

 

“That’s not what it’s about! Just look at us, there clearly isn’t a winner and there’s not supposed to be one. This is just me trying to knock some sense back into you.”

 

“You do realise you’re not making any sense, do you?”

 

“I’m making perfect sense, you’re just not getting it. But I’ll gladly explain this to you again and again. Everytime you need it. Got that?”

 

“Moron.”

 

“Doesn’t matter what you call me. From now on, I’ll always be there to clear your mind when you drift off again. You couldn’t seriously think that after all this time I’d just leave you alone. You’re my best friend, that’s never gonna change. And as long as it’s like this I’m gonna do everything I need to keep you with me.”

Naruto’s smile was always so assuring.

 

“Shut it, Usuratonkachi”, Sasuke finally told him, smiling back at him though.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a genderfluid character. Please don't read if you're not okay with that.
> 
> Word explanation: "comfort noise"  
> Comfort noise is a synthetic background noise to fill the silence of the audio clarity of modern digital lines.

“I’m just trying to rewrite the wrongs that were written on me.”  
Sasuke’d said that to him after they’d finally arrived at Naruto’s room. They’d fallen asleep almost immediately after going to bed.  
When his alarm had gone off in the morning, the black haired teen hadn’t been there anymore, hadn’t even left a trace behind. But that was what he did, Naruto knew him.

He couldn’t focus on the prof’s words because he couldn’t get Sasuke’s off his mind. 

“Naruto, are you okay?”, Hinata asked all of a sudden.  
She was sitting next to him and had probably noticed that he wasn’t paying any attention.  
“You seem worried. And your face…”

He shrugged his shoulders in response and smiled at her.  
“It’s nothing really, I’m just a little tired I guess.”

She wasn’t buying it at all, but decided to let the topic slip if he didn’t want to talk about it.  
“Just look after yourself”, Hinata advised.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine.”

“So… are you coming to Kiba’s party tonight or…?”  
Naruto would never understand how she could be so shy when she really had no reason for it. She was a beautiful and friendly girl. There was nothing about her one couldn’t like.

“Uh, I don’t know yet. Technically I have to study for my exams but I guess Kiba would be mad at me if I didn’t come.”

“Everyone’s going to be there. He even got Shikamaru to agree on coming.”  
Shikamaru was such a lazy pothead. If even he said he’d come, everyone would be there and there was no way he could refuse. He wondered if they’d invited Sasuke. Kiba hated him, but getting Sasuke to come meant girls, basically all of them. They all hoped to get to talk to him, but nothing more ever happened, no matter how hot they were. He always played the unreachable, which only made them want him more. Naruto had never seen him with anyone though. Technically he should still be a virgin then, but they’d never talked about that topic before.  
“Naruto?”

“Huh? Sorry, got carried away. Guess I’ll be there, too then! Also, can I copy your notes? I haven’t listened to one single word today.”

“Of course. You can borrow them until tonight.”

“Thanks.”  
She was such a nice girl, but she was off limits. Kiba’d had his eyes on her for months and things were slowly developing between the two. Plus, Naruto really didn’t want to get into a conflict with her overprotective cousin. Neji was intimidating.

After the lecture, he returned to his room so he could at least copy the notes before he’d have to leave for the party, only to find Sasuke waiting there for him. He wondered why he’d even given him the key, but then he remembered that it was because he’d broken into his room too many times before.  
“Can’t stand a day without seeing me, huh?”, the blonde mocked.

“Shut up.”

“Well, you must be fun at parties. Speaking of parties, you coming tonight?”

“As if I have a choice. But Shika’s gonna be there, so at least there’ll be weed.”  
He shrugged.

“You’re one to complain. At least you’ve got all the hot girls trying to get close to you.”

“I am really not interested in any of those superficial bitches.”

“That was harsh! But why? Some of them are really nice.”

“I’m just not interested”, he hissed, seemingly annoyed at the blonde.

“Alright, fine. Just give me a few minutes to copy some notes and then we can talk.”

“I’m not here to talk. I was just bored in my room and figured it would be more fun to hang out here.”  
Sasuke would never admit that he couldn’t stand his own room sometimes. It was just so dark in there. His window faced the inner courtyard of campus which basically made it impossible for the sun to shine into his room. Naruto’s room on the other hand was always brightly lit and he’d spent so much time arranging things in there to make it more comfortable, while Sasuke’s was basically empty except for his desk, bed and wardrobe. There were no posters on his wall or anything. That’s why he just enjoyed staying here and the blonde didn’t mind.

While Naruto sat at his desk Sasuke couldn’t help but wonder how he managed to always look so good. You almost couldn’t tell that they’ve had a fight the night before. Sure, he looked really tired, but apart from that, nothing about him gave it away. Sasuke on the other hand had a black eye and chapped lips, although Sui had helped him cover that with make-up earlier. It also didn’t help that his whole body hurt. He was used to his body aching, but this was different because he hadn’t done this himself, so he had no control over it. Did Naruto even hurt? Had he even hit him? Judging from the blonde’s movements he hadn’t really left an impression on him, which almost disappointed him.

“You checking me out?”

“What if I was?”  
That, Naruto hadn’t expected, so he couldn’t think of a good comeback. Awkward silence followed.

After arriving at the party, they split paths though. Naruto fist bumped Kiba as a greeting and they soon started drinking together, while Sasuke joined Shikamaru on the balcony.  
“Yo, Ske”, he was greeted lazily.

“Hn. Still too lazy to pronounce my whole name, huh?”

“It's not because I'm lazy, it's just because I don't care.”

They didn’t need many words, that was what Sasuke enjoyed about Shikamaru. Among other people you’re normally forced to talk, not with him though.  
Shikamaru offered Sasuke his joint, which he wouldn’t deny and they spent the next 10 minutes smoking in silence. They were interrupted though when Ino stumbled through the door.

“How troublesome…”

“Saaaaaaaaasuke! So glad to see you”, she exclaimed, hugging him.

“Yeah, whatever”, he mumbled, shoving her away.

“Guess I’ll be going inside then. You coming, Sasuke?”, Shikamaru offered.  
Of course, he was. There was no way he’d stay alone here with Ino. Although going inside probably only meant jumping out of the frying pan into the fire, since he assumed the girls were already waiting for him to arrive. It was unusual that he’d made it to the balcony without being noticed when they’d arrived.

Inside, Naruto lay on the table, shirt off, and people were taking shots off him without using their hands.  
“What the…?”

“Troublesome…”

It made Sasuke way angrier than it should have, seeing Naruto like that. But he’d always had this tendency to grow really possessive over the people that were close to him. In the end that was the reason he was single. His ex had left him because of it and it made perfect sense to him now, even though it hadn’t back then. But he’d thought he’d left that behind.

“You okay?”, Shikamaru inquired.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just a little stoned probably”, he answered and he wasn’t even lying, the weed had affected him.

“Come on! Let’s join them!”  
Ino grabbed his hand and dragged him towards Naruto. If there was anything Sasuke didn’t want right now, it certainly was this. But just before Ino could force him into the situation another girl came to his rescue. She grabbed Sasuke’s free hand and pulled him towards her.

“Sorry, gotta borrow him for a while”, she told Ino, who let go off his hand in shock.

She simply pulled him out of Kiba’s front door and around the corner, so they could talk a little without any disruptions. Kiba was one of those people whose parents lived so close to campus that he still lived with them. And when they were out of town, which was pretty often, he’d always throw these parties and invite basically everyone who’d fit inside.

“Thanks for saving me there, Sui. Second time today…”

“You look pretty stoned”, she remarked, not taking up what he’d said before.

“What else would I have smoked that weed for?”

“I hate when you do this”, she said, looking him in the eyes.

He tried really hard to seem unaffected by her words, but he really wasn’t.  
“It’s none of your business anymore”, he spat at her.

“Don’t do this to me, Sasuke.”  
Sui’s words hit him right in his heart, but he couldn’t show it. He could do anything to himself, but hurting someone so close to him was not what he wanted. Although that always seemed to happen when people cared about him. It was the same with Naruto.

“Look, I’m not yours anymore. Thanks for your help earlier and now, I really appreciate that, but that’s it, okay? The rest is my business”, he told her, trying to sound as cold as possible.

Sui knew him way better than to buy it, but she had to let the topic rest for now. He’d talk to her if he wanted to, but she was so worried about him. She knew him far too well, they’d been through so much shit together. Although she’d left him because of his possessiveness, she still felt for him, while he’d obviously moved on. And now she’d rather be friends with him and get hurt along the way than lose him completely.

“You look gorgeous tonight, Sui”, Sasuke broke the silence. He knew that last one had been too much.

“Don’t. Please don’t do this to me.”  
And at that, she left him where he was standing. 

“Bummer, huh?”, a voice asked from above.

“Shika, you dirty voyeur!”  
Sasuke spun around and looked up to the window Shikamaru was watching him from.

“You didn’t even do anything dirty.”

“Still no reason to be so nosy!”  
That guy really didn’t seem to have any shame when he was stoned enough.

“That ass though. You wouldn’t be able to tell that there’s a boy underneath that dress.”

“Mind joining me down here for another smoke?”  
Sasuke quickly changed the topic.

“Nice suggestion. I’ll be there in a sec.”  
It took him way longer than that, but Sasuke enjoyed every minute he could spend outside and didn’t have to go inside. He was ready to go home already, but it was unwritten law that you spent at least two hours at parties. 

“For how long are you planning to stay?”, Shikamaru asked, lighting his joint and taking a deep drag afterwards.

“Dunno. Another hour or so. Can’t leave when I’ve only gotten here.”

“True that”, he exhaled and passed the joint to Sasuke.  
They continued to smoke in silence, only the sound of the party inside functioning as comfort noise. 

The party actually didn’t suck as much as it could have. When they’d gone inside, a few really nice girls had started battling for Sasuke’s attention, which he found really entertaining by now.  
Shikamaru had started talking to Sui after they’d gone back inside. Naruto was nowhere to be seen though and it was really unnerving to Sasuke, so he went looking for him, abandoning the girls, probably cutting one of them off mid-sentence, but he couldn’t care less. 

Finding Naruto with Sakura basically glued to his face in a corner of the balcony though was too much for him to take for some reason. Not even thinking about how he’d be able to explain this later, he approached them, shoved the pink-haired girl aside and took her place on Naruto’s lips. The taste of vodka spread on Sasuke’s tongue as he started exploring the blonde’s mouth with it. Had he even noticed it was him? He seemed really drunk, he probably didn’t even notice much anymore. The raven haired teen couldn’t care less at the moment, because he was certainly enjoying this long and intense kiss. Sakura could only stand next to them and watch in shock, while Kiba filmed the whole scenario.

“Maaaan, that’s some hot shit right here”, he exclaimed excitedly and that made Sasuke break the kiss. Naruto was now looking him right into the eyes, but he didn’t react to the fact that it was his friend in front of him instead of Sakura, so Sasuke took his chance and leaned into him again, only to whisper something in his ear.  
“You. Me. Your Room. Now.”  
His tone was far too demanding to deny him, so Naruto let himself be taken away by the black haired teen. Just as Sakura wanted to protest, Sasuke turned to her, looked her into the eyes and shushed her.

“Ooooooh! Ruuuuude!”  
Kiba was way too excited about it all. Plus, he was still filming the whole thing, but Sasuke really didn’t care about that now. He simply took Naruto away from the party with him.

On the way to Naruto’s room it had become clear to him just how drunk the blonde actually was. Drunk enough to be proper fucking material, but way too drunk for it to be okay. But he hadn’t yet decided if he was going to care about that tonight. 

When he threw Naruto on his bed, he really didn’t know if he’d be able to resist, but his phone vibrating in his pocket snapped him out of it.  
“What?”, he hissed.

“Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?”, Sui told him.

“How the fuck do you know about this?”

“Everyone knows by now. It’s on YouTube…”

“It’s what?”, he asked in shock. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t understood Sui, but he couldn’t comprehend it.

“…on YouTube. The whole university knows.”

“God, I’m gonna kill that dog face!”  
Kiba had taken things too far this time, he was going to pay for it.

“I’m heading back to the party now”, he shouted into his phone and stormed out of Naruto’s room, only to crash into Sui, who fell on her back painfully.

“Ow…”

“Shit, sorry. Are you okay?”  
He offered his hand to help her to her feet again.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just making sure that you’re not doing stupid things. Let’s get you back inside.”  
She grabbed him and forcefully pushed him back into Naruto’s room and onto his bed next to the boy who’d already fallen asleep by now. She was so strong, although you really couldn’t tell it from her appearance.

Sasuke was fuming, but Sui’s hand on his shoulder held him down long enough for him to regain his composure.   
“Do you want another one?”, she asked, caressing the area right under his eye, where the make-up had already started to wear off.   
Sasuke flinched at the touch.

“As if Kiba would even get the chance to hit me!”

“I wasn’t talking about Kiba”, she explained and a grin formed on Sasuke’s face.

“You’re really one in a million. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve let you go at all.”

Sui could tell that Sasuke was slowly coming down. Weed really did some good things for him, but coming down was the worst. It was basically like all happiness was drained from him again and he always seemed a little worse than before because of the extreme contrast between high and low.

“Let’s get you somewhere else. Naruto’s out already anyway”, Sui suggested, although she wasn’t leaving the decision to Sasuke, but simply took his hand and made him follow her.  
He felt so weak in her hands. Had it always been like this between them? He really couldn’t remember.

“I was ready to take advantage of the situation”, he mumbled on their way.

“I know, I know.”  
Sui was probably the only one who’d console him instead of slap his face in this kind of situation, because she understood him. At the end, she always did.

“You stay here tonight. And don’t you get this wrong”, she warned when they’d reached her room.

“I really wouldn’t dare”, Sasuke answered. He was crestfallen, the down had hit him really hard by now, but there was never a guarantee that there wouldn't be another mood swing.

Sui didn’t have a problem undressing before Sasuke’s eyes. He’d seen this a million times before during their relationship.  
“Hey, those are new”, he remarked as Sui took off her bra.

“Yes, pretty cool, huh? They stay in place even without the bra, I saved money for them for years.”  
She took of the silicon breasts and put them away.

“So, Sui back in the closet and Suigetsu here with me again?”, Sasuke asked.

“Yes. Back to being Suigetsu. Feels better around you.”

“I really don’t know whether to take this as a compliment or not.”

“Me neither”, Suigetsu laughed.   
For a moment he really enjoyed the intimacy he and Sasuke shared, but he knew it was wrong and interpreting too much into it would only get him hurt again. This was only Sasuke on a down trying to get him to agree to something that wouldn’t end well.  
But he wasn’t strong enough to resist the urge to be close to the Uchiha. He’d missed his warmth for way too long.   
Suigetsu quickly changed into a t-shirt and boxers and joined Sasuke, who’d lost his pants by now and thus was wearing the same as him.  
“Don’t try anything”, he warned the Uchiha again.

“Got it, no need to repeat yourself.”  
He knew quite well where their boundaries were, so he wrapped his arms around Suigetsu, drew him close to his body and pressed his lips to his ears in order to cross them.  
“You’re still hot, you know that?”, he whispered.

“Fuck…”  
Suigetsu’s body reacted heavily to the boy, sending a shiver down his spine and making his boxer shorts tighten around his crotch. He was really into whispering and being so close, Sasuke was shamelessly taking advantage of that.

“Good to know I still work on you”, he whispered again, let his hand slide down Suigetsu’s body dangerously close to his crotch, but then simply turned around.

“You fucker.”  
It was all he could say at the loss of Sasuke’s body against his and the way he treated him. He’d become such an asshole lately, especially when he wasn’t sober.

That way, Sasuke fell asleep and Suigetsu followed him soon after he’d calmed down.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed I completely forgot to explain the title of this disasterpiece. Fic's called "Fallhoehe" which is German and describes the height of a fall. Thought you might want to know.

“Listen, I really am sorry for what happened last night-“

“You mean you’re sorry for what you did. Things didn’t just happen. You did them.”

Sasuke bit his lip. He was trying really hard to hide how annoyed he was at Suigetsu for forcing him into this conversation.  
“You’re right, I’m responsible for my actions. I was an asshole and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Of course, I didn’t!”  
Suigetsu just got angrier with each sentence. Sasuke remembered exactly what he’d done last night, but the boy knew him, so his stoned mind had figured it would be okay somehow. But just like everything else in his life it wasn’t.

“Shit, I don’t know what to say.”  
He let his head sink in order to avoid the look Suigetsu was giving him.

“You’re overstepping boundaries here! Face the consequences, damnit!”  
The white haired teen stood in front of his bed where Sasuke was sitting.  
“At least have the decency to look at me while we’re talking”, he demanded.  
The other looked up at him, wondering when he’d developed such a strong personality. He was almost intimidating in that moment.

“I’m sorry”, he repeated.

“You better leave now.”  
Suigetsu sounded so cold. It almost reminded him of himself. What had happened to make him that way?  
Sasuke simply nodded and got up. Suigetsu was right for throwing him out, but he hated having to leave. He never had any lectures on Friday, Naruto’s room was the last place he’d be welcome now he figured, so the only option left was his room, since Shikamaru had lectures. Plus, their friendship was complicated. It was superficial, which worked great for small talk and smoking together at parties, but he was in no position to spend time at his place, he guessed. 

The door clicked as he closed it behind him. Thank god the hall was empty, most students were probably listening to their profs right now. What time was it even?  
Sasuke took out his smartphone to look at the clock only to find his feed basically exploding. He even had some missed calls. Where did all these people even get his number?  
Checking Facebook soon explained the situation.  
“Oh fuck no”, he mumbled.

The video. It was all over his timeline. A lot of people had commented on how hot they were, others were shocked about two boys kissing, well, Sasuke kissing another boy. It was mostly girls and they’d been after him from the beginning, must have been quite the shock.  
Now that the damage was done, he decided to put his phone away and ignore it for the rest of the day, or week, or month. Locking himself up in his room suddenly didn’t seem so bad of an idea anymore.

“Hey fag”, someone called from behind. Sasuke didn’t feel like fighting, so he decided to ignore it. But when that person approached him and shoved him into the wall, he knew ignoring wouldn’t help him here. He didn’t even know that guy, who now leaned into him, coming way too close for comfort. He’d placed his hands on the wall next to Sasuke’s head, cornering him in the worst way possible. His leg between Sasuke’s and his lips so close to his ear didn’t help.  
“So, you like it up the ass, huh?”, the stranger breathed into his ear.

“None of your business”, Sasuke growled dangerously, trying to shove the other guy away, but he was too strong for him.

“Disgusting”, he hissed.  
“I should mess you up, y’know, but you look like you’ve had enough already.”

“Excuse me?”  
Sasuke was so taken aback by that comment that he forgot about the situation he was in.

“That thing there, emo fag”, the guy said, stroking his cheek and blushing his black eye with his fingers. The make-up had worn off during the night, so it was clearly showing now.

The raven haired teen didn’t react to the slight pain that went through his face.  
“None of your business”, he repeated.

“Is that so?”

“Hn.”

“Well, then… Fucker had it coming”, the guy said calmly, before gripping Sasuke by his shirt and throwing him to the ground.

He hit the ground way too hard for his already stricken body to manage and all the air that was left in him forcefully left his lungs.  
Before he could even catch his breath, the other guy was kneeling over him and sent a fist to his face.  
Sasuke couldn’t determine whether he really was that strong or his body was just too weak to fight the pain. All he could do was shut his eyes tightly and hope for it to be over soon.

“Sasori, stop it. He’s had enough”, he heard someone say.  
As he opened his eyes again, he saw a long haired blond guy next to his tormentor.

“Duh, you must be fun at parties”, the guy called Sasori answered.

“I am, as opposed to you.”

Sasori turned to Sasuke again.  
“Today’s your lucky day, homo. Sasori’s the name. Better not cross paths with me again.”  
And with that, the red haired boy got off him and turned to walk away with the blonde.

“Jeez, you beat him up for being gay? You’re getting worse”, Sasuke could hear Deidara say to the other as they walked away.

“Fuck...”, he exhaled slowly.  
He crawled toward the wall to sit up, but his whole body screamed at him to just stay where he was and not move ever again. But it was no use. He couldn’t keep his face against the floor.  
The halls were empty, so there wasn’t anyone to help him. Like always. He didn’t want to get up, but he had to, so he ignored his aching body.  
Using the wall for support, he managed to get to his feet again, but there was no way he’d make it to his room before the halls were crowded again, so he decided it’d be best to just return to Suigetsu’s room. He was between the devil and the deep blue sea, but at this point he’d rather drowned.

“Suigetsu, open up”, he nearly begged while he collapsed at Suigetsu’s door.  
It was the way Sasuke sounded that made Suigetsu open the door without hesitation.

“What happened to you?”, he asked concerned.  
He’d helped Sasuke up and laid him on his bed. The teen looked horrible.

“Got into a fight.”

“Looks more like you got run over.”

“Oh, shut up, won’t you?”, he coughed.

“Then, why didn’t you scream for help?”

“Not my style.”

“Yeah, right. How could I have forgotten? You’ve always been the silent type.”  
At that he gave Sasuke a dirty smirk.

“Watch out there!”

With Suigetsu he could let his guard down. They’d been with each other at their lowest, there was nothing they could possibly still have to hide from each other.  
Sasuke let his eyes close and focused on the pain for a moment. Had that motherfucker hit his rib? It hurt like fuck, but he really couldn’t remember being hit anywhere else but his face. He groaned at the feeling.  
His friend was alerted by that immediately.  
“Pull your shirt up”, he demanded.

“Care to give me a hand there?”  
The black haired boy just lacked the power to keep moving against the pain.

“I guess that’s all colours there are in a rainbow”, Suigetsu joked at the sight to cover his shock.

“Is it that bad?”

“You can’t possibly have gotten this bad just now. Was this Naruto?”

“Must have been. I don’t always get into fights.”

“Why didn’t you tell me yesterday? Moreover, how could you cover up all this? Didn’t it hurt like hell?”

“Probably. I took some painkillers when it first began to hurt. Thought it might ruin the party for me otherwise.”

The white haired boy opened his eyes in shock, but soon regained his cool.  
“That’s my Sasuke, I guess… Let’s get you to a doctor. I hope they aren’t broken.”

“As if I’d see a doctor about some bruises!”  
It wasn’t that Sasuke was ashamed of the bruises, but he really didn’t want to undress in front of a doctor.

“You don’t have to be conscious. I can still knock you out if you refuse.”

“Mean! Sui would never be so mean”, Sasuke said childishly.

“First of all, I’m not being mean, I’m trying to help you. Second, we’re the same person, I don’t have multiple personality disorder, bitch.”

“Whatever…”, he answered weakly.  
This wasn’t good, he suddenly felt really drained.

“Sasuke?”

He wanted to answer so badly, but his lips wouldn’t obey him, so he just made a strange noise instead.  
The last thing he felt was Suigetsu’s hand on his face before the world around him turned black.

When he woke up again he was shaking and burning at the same time. Suigetsu laid next to him, holding his hand.  
„Sasuke?“

„Hn.“

„Thank god, the calf wraps helped.“ Suigetsu sighed in relief.

„I still hurt“, Sasuke said.

„I know… Help is on the way.“

„What? Who the fuck did you call?“  
Sasuke raised his voice, his mind suddenly clear again.

„I’m sorry. I called Kabuto. He’ll take a look at your ribs.“

„No, you didn’t!“

„Look, I’m sorry, but I had to. This is dangerous. If you have broken ribs you could puncture your lungs walking around, and die.“

„So what?“  
He was shouting at Suigetsu by now.

„Is that what it’s about, me not letting you die? I’m not having this today, Sasuke. We’ve been through this way too many times, now get a goddamn grip“, he shouted back at him.

“Suigetsu-“

“Spare me, I don’t wanna hear it.”

Sasuke didn’t try it again, so they waited for Kabuto in silence. It felt like hours to him, even though they only waited for roughly 30 minutes.

“It’s been quite a while”, the silver haired man remarked as Suigetsu let him him.

“Hn.”

“Talkative as ever. Can’t be so bad then, huh?”

“Can you please just not be a bitch today”, Sasuke hissed annoyed.

“Watch your mouth, Uchiha. Remember you called me for help.”

“Like I would do such a thing!”

“Doesn’t make any difference whether it was you or your little girlfriend.”

“Rude”, Suigetsu interrupted them.

“Right, sorry. That’s not what I came here for. Mind telling me why I’m here?”

“He’s feverish, he even blacked out before and his whole torso is bruised. I just want to know if he has any broken ribs or something.”

The black haired teen hated when Suigetsu talked about him like he wasn’t able to speak for himself. He always did that when they were in such situations, which had been way too often in their past. It reminded him of their time in Oto high school and how they’d met. They’d hated each other so much. They’d been pretty similar when they’d first met. Both had hated other people, so they’d ignored each other at first. They’d first met at Orochimaru’s.  
He’d been their teacher, but also a psychologist, so he’d soon become really interested in the two boys that avoided all human interaction and seemed to hate everyone without even knowing them. That wasn’t exactly what you expected of teenage boys, especially not when people really tried to get in touch with them. Sasuke and Suigetsu hadn’t even been unpopular in high school, they’d just never been interested.  
Until now, Sasuke didn’t know how Orochimaru had convinced Suigetsu to come to his place, but he remembered exactly why he’d gone there. One day after class the teacher had told him to stay. Sasuke’s grades had always been excellent, there had never been a reason for teachers to talk to him before, but he’d never been the one to stick out, so he’d simply obeyed.  
“I know where your brother is”, Orochimaru had told him. The black haired boy had been so close to losing his composure, he’d probably been an open book for his teacher to read in that very moment. He must have known how much he’d gotten to him, because he’d simply invited him to his home after school. That was not a thing you did as a teacher. Sasuke telling on him could have easily cost him his position, but Orochimaru had known exactly that he wouldn’t. He hadn’t even told him anything of interest about Itachi that day, but he’d gotten him hooked.  
And there they’d met. Orochimaru had thought they’d get along well and could be a help for each other, since both of them had had no one left. In school their teacher had always seemed distanced, but not at his home. He’d surprised them with his kindness. After that day they’d both visited him at least once a week depending on how bad they were, although they’d always go separately after that first meeting. Orochimaru had only wanted them to meet, so they had someone to talk to if they wanted, which eventually happened. One day in school Suigetsu had just approached Sasuke and started talking about his appointments with Orochimaru. At first he’d only listened, but they’d become friends after a few weeks. He’d soon found out about Suigetsu being genderfluid and the white haired boy had soon found out about Sasuke’s self-destructive lifestyle. It had turned out that Suigetsu ignored and hated other people because he was constantly struggling with his own personality and the thought of how others might react to him made him afraid of interaction, while Sasuke had been so full of hate towards his brother for murdering their parents and leaving him behind with so many unanswered questions. The pitied looks he’d received as a child hadn’t helped at all. He’d grown to hate them all. They’d all treated him like an alien, and in the end they’d all been the same to him – scum.  
After a few weeks he’d met Sui for the first time. Although they’d talked about it before, it had been a shock. He hadn’t expected her to be so stunning. They’d probably only started seeing each other because they’d only had each other, but that had never mattered to them. It hadn’t made their relationship any less dramatic than any other teen romance. They hadn’t made it official, but everyone had known about their friendship, so it hadn’t been a big problem when Sui went to school for her first time. No one would have dared to mess with Sasuke’s best friend, which had made things a lot easier. But while Suigetsu had made a lot of progress, Sasuke hadn’t. He’d soon began to push Suigetsu away again.  
Orochimaru had found himself an assistant during their first year with him. Kabuto had been a young premed who’d been interested in psychology and had therefore began to work with Orochimaru. He’d been such a kissass, Sasuke’d hated him from the beginning, although he’d become the only one to trust in medical questions. When his self-destructive habits had taken a turn for the worse at 16 and his cuts had needed stitches more often, he’d always called Kabuto. He could always tell Kabuto didn’t like him either, but the crawler would have done do everything for the sake of pleasing Orochimaru. 

Thinking about it, it was really weird how all of his relationships were so dysfunctional.

“I said take off your shirt please.”

“What?”

“I need to get a look at your torso, please, sit up and take off your shirt”, Kabuto repeated calmly.

“Right, sorry. I was in thought”, Sasuke explained and obeyed Kabuto, although with little hesitation. After all, his recent cuts were all still covered by his shirt and even after all these years he hated showing them to anyone.

“Nice stitching”, the medic commented dryly.

“Hn.”  
The raven haired teen hated these moments, this person, so much. He could only look away to hide his shame.

“Aren’t we past this by now? I know it’s been a while, but I still know every last bit of your body already, don’t I?”  
He was disgustingly right, Sasuke detested the fact that he was right.

“Any trouble breathing?”, Kabuto continued his examination.  
The teen shook his head no.

“That’s good. Pain in your chest?”

“Well, somehow.”

As Kabuto reached for him, Sasuke backed away.  
“If you fucking touch me, I will rip you apart!”, he growled.

“Of course, you will, bad boy. Now let’s skip the fighting and just let me do what I’m here for.”  
It was exactly what he had to say to shut Sasuke up.  
Kabuto carefully applied pressure on his chest with his hands and examined the teen’s reaction.  
He flinched at the touch, his chest just hurt all over.

“Let me take a listen”, the medic commanded, placing the stethoscope in his ears and on Sasuke’s chest.  
“Please, stay still.”

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”, the teen hissed at him.

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, you know.”  
Kabuto chuckled, and then got silent again in order to listen closely.

“Breathe in”, he demanded.  
“And out. Repeat, please.”

A content smile formed on his face.  
“Sounds good to me. No pneumothorax. The pain is most likely caused by the bruising, I don’t think you have any broken ribs, although I recommend you to take it slow for the next few weeks. Also, call me if it doesn’t get better or if it even gets worse. As for your fever, it’s only your body reacting to all the attacks it has to deal with. You better be easy on yourself for a while and be careful not to get any infections or you’ll be hospitalised in no time.”

“You can go, then.”

“Sasuke, at least be a little thankful with the people who put up with your shit”, Kabuto reprimanded him, still smiling.

“I said ‘get out!’”

“Old habits die hard, huh? Sorry you have to deal with this, Suigetsu.”  
He packed his things, patted Suigetsu on the shoulder and left.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
Suigetsu didn’t even raise his voice, but only shook his head.

“That’s just like you, passing me the buck. You called him, forgot already?”, Sasuke bawled at him, while he got his shirt back on.

“You fucking mess.”  
Again, he said it much too calm, almost resigned.

“Why am I here if your only interest is to insult me?”, the black haired teen snapped at him.

“You’re kidding me, right? I missed two lectures today, I even made you fucking leg compresses when you passed out because of your fever and you’re seriously still being an asshole? You know what? You ungrateful, oblivious bitch! I should throw you out on the spot, but I can’t, you know! I can’t even throw you the fuck out, because you made me fall in love with you and I never fell out of it!”

“Wait, I-“

“No, you wait! Don’t you dare say anything hurtful to me for the rest of the day. Please, just be my Sasuke again for one day. All I’m asking for is this one day. Sasuke, please.”  
His face was full of pain, as his eyes watered. It was almost beautiful to see the anger on his face change to sadness.  
“Just close your eyes and kiss me. Deceive me into thinking you still love me. Just let me forget everything that happened and let me dream that I never lost you.”

“I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be fair either.”  
Sasuke couldn’t stand to see him cry, this whole situation was asking everything of him.

“I really don’t care if you actually feel anything, just do whatever you want with me.”  
He was barely understandable under his sobs. By now he’d sat down on the bed and buried his face in his hands.

“Why do you always do this to me?”, the black haired teen asked in an agonised tone and moved close to Suigetsu.

“I’m so lost without you”, he sobbed.

“No, you aren’t. We both know that’s not true. Look at what you’ve become, you’ve become such a bright and lovely person. Now look at me, I’m a fucking mess, as you put it.”

“If I’m so lovely, then why am I not good enough for you?”

“Stop it, Suigetsu. You’re trying to make me talk myself into trouble here. I can’t let you get away with that today. You’re hurt, it’s my fault and you should rather hate me than… this.”

“I don’t even remember how I lost you, how we ended.”  
His voice broke terribly.

“You did the only reasonable thing to do. You ran while you still could. I’m poison, you know that. If you stay too close, you’ll only die a slow and painful death. And it’ll be on me. I’m way beyond help, it has always been that way, but you can still turn your life around.”

“But what’s it worth if it means I can’t have you?”

“You have to do this for me, this one you owe me, remember?”

“The pinky promise… you fucking bastard!”  
He shook violently while Sasuke held him in an attempt to calm him somehow, but it didn’t work at all.

“I might be a bastard, but at least I admit it.”

He held Suigetsu for what felt like an eternity until his sobs became barely audible and got silent after all. The teens head hurt from all the crying, it was just draining. This day had already been way too much for him to take, he was just tired. 

Suigetsu woke up in Sasuke’s arms at nightfall, the black haired teen still sound asleep, so he decided not to move and close his eyes again. Just this once he refused to recognise that this didn’t mean anything to Sasuke, because to him, it meant the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this chapter about Sasuke and Suigetsu, because I thought I really needed to shed some light on their background. Sorry for not telling you how Sasuke's planning to get out of this whole video-situation yet. I promise the next chapter will be about that.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making you wait, this chapter was a drag but here it is!  
> Contains lime. You were warned.

He was angry. More than just that. He was totally going to kill Sasuke. 

“How dare he?”

“I know right”, Kiba answered. Although he’d filmed and uploaded the video, none of Naruto’s anger was directed at him. Probably just because the blond was inconsiderate to even think about the one who’s filmed them. One could even hear Kiba’s voice, but the only one Naruto had eyes for was Sasuke. Good for him.

“Even alcohol can’t excuse this. He totally ruined my chances with Sakura.”  
More than that. After all, their kiss had been weirdly... hot, although he’d never admit that. He fancied Sakura, it must have been the alcohol, right? He'd spent the whole weekend confused. He'd even thought of Sasuke, their kiss and what could have happened afterwards in his room when he'd jacked off, fucking subconscious.

“He doesn’t drink at parties”, Shikamaru tossed in.

“Drunk, stoned, whatever. What does it matter?”

“A lot. Weed would never make him unable to control himself.”

“Well, it clearly did!”, Naruto insisted.

“Ha, you wish! He’s into you! You two were kinda hot to be honest”, Kiba joked.

“I’m not having this”, the blond snapped and got up to leave.

“Ah, come on. Don’t be such a drag. You can’t leave during lunch”, the brunette said.

“Was that an excuse?”

“Probably.”

“Fair enough.”

“You two are so troublesome”, Shikamaru sighed.

When they finished lunch, they went to their next lecture, which was held by a guest speaker, who simply introduced himself as Orochimaru. 

“That’s a weird name. Doesn’t he have a surname?”, Naruto whispered in Kiba’s direction.

“You think the name’s the weirdest thing about that guy. Just look at him. What’s wrong with his skin? He looks sick… Also, what about the make-up?”

“Kinda looks like a snake.”

“A really weird snake”, Kiba added.

“His assistant looks nice, though.”

“A little too nice to be with such a weirdo, don’t you think?”

“You don’t know about his qualities”, Naruto joked and they burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”, Orochimaru hissed at them across the room.

“Nothing, sorry!”  
But they had to fight back their laughter really hard.

They’d barely managed to keep silent for the rest of their lecture. Mondays were always such a drag. And he hadn’t seen Sasuke since the party on Thursday. He wondered if he was alright, just until he remembered how angry he still was at him.

“I said ‘see ya’. Dude, are you even with us?”, Kiba reminded him.

“Uh, sorry. See ya!”

Shikamaru just nodded at him and the two brunettes left.

“Naruto.”  
Someone tapped him on his shoulder, so he turned around.

“Ah, Sui. Hi”, Naruto greeted her sheepishly.  
She really was hot stuff. It was not surprising that Shikamaru spent so much time with her.

“How are you?”  
Her smile was so gentle.

“I’m fine… thanks. Why are you here though?”  
They hardly ever talked. That’s what got him so confused.

“It’s about Sasu-“

“No!”, he interrupted.

“But you should really-“

“I said no!”

“…talk.”  
She looked down with sadness on her face.

“I know you mean well, but I’m done with that guy.”

“Don’t say that. See, he’s not doing so well right now, he even got attacked on Friday, and I think-“

“What?”, he interrupted Sui again.

“So rude”, she remarked.

“Sorry, but what did you say?”

“He was attacked.”

“By whom?”  
Naruto’s eyes were flashing in anger.

“I don’t know. Look, that’s not even the point. I think he really needs a friend right now.”

He swallowed his anger. It couldn’t be that worse, otherwise Sui would have told him everything, wouldn’t she?  
“But there’s still you. Aren’t you good enough for him?”

He hadn’t even meant for it to sound bad in any way, but she suddenly looked him straight into his eyes, her teeth clenched.

“I’m afraid not. I’ll never be good enough for him”, she barely hissed, swallowing hard.

“Okay, whatever this means to you, I didn’t mean it that way. I guess. I just really don’t want to see him right now, you know.”

“That’s out of the question now. You’re coming with me.”  
She sounded really intimidating, Naruto was simply unable to refuse her. She just started to walk away and he followed her for some weird reason he couldn’t explain.

“Go inside”, Sui commanded.

“Aren’t you going in first?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions, go inside.”

As soon as he’d obeyed her he found out why she didn’t go in first. As the door closed behind him, he could exactly hear the lock click.  
“What the fuck? You didn’t just lock me in, did you?”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Open the fucking door!”

“That’s no way to talk to a girl, don’t you think?”, Sasuke finally spoke to him. He was sitting on the bed and he seriously looked like shit. Sui hadn’t even been lying.

“Nobody asked for your opinion! Now open the fucking door or I’ll show you how easy they are to kick in!”

“You break my door, I break your face. Understood? I’ll be leaving now and when I come back either one of you has killed the other or you two can talk like decent human beings again. Either way, this conflict will be solved by my return.”

The instructions were clear. Again, it was probably the way she said it that made Naruto stop banging against the door.

“Now, that’s a good boy”, she said, sounding really satisfied with herself.

“Is she always like that?”, he turned to Sasuke.

“Yes, always.”

“What the fuck’s wrong with you? Haven’t seen you in lectures today.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I didn’t go.”

“You arrogant prick! What’s with that fucking attitude of yours?”

“Can we please just get this over with? I don’t want to be locked in here with you any longer than necessary”, Sasuke sighed.

“You’re one to talk! It’s not like I chose to come here. That crazy bitch dragged me here!”

He’d barely finished his last sentence when Sasuke had him by his shirt collar and shoved him into the door.  
“You do not call her a bitch, understood?”, he growled at him, pausing after each word.

“Dude, what the fuck? Is she your new girlfriend or something?”  
Naruto grabbed his arm and simply removed Sasuke’s hand. To the blond’s surprise, the grip hadn’t even been firm.  
Just when he wanted to ask him what was wrong, Sasuke stumbled backwards. He’d have fallen to the ground if he hadn’t found the bed for support first.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Do I look like it, moron?”

“You can put your fucking sarcasm where the sun don’t shine! I’m just being nice”, Naruto complained.  
“Sorry that I care!”

“You don’t care at all! Where’ve you been this whole weekend?”

“I said I care about you, I’m not your bitch. I’m not responsible for you. I thought I could leave you alone for a weekend!”

“Yeah, looks like you really couldn’t! Look where it has gotten me.”

“Whatever happened to you, are you seriously blaming me for it right now?”

“Whatever…”, Sasuke backpedalled.

“What happened to you anyway?”

“Got fucked up by some red-haired guy.”

“What for? I mean, you sure can be an arrogant asshole, but what did you do this time?”  
Naruto couldn’t help but grin a little at the thought of Sasuke being arrogant as always and getting his comeuppance for it.

“I’m gay”, he answered dryly.

In that moment everything must have fallen from Naruto’s face.

“What?”

“He told me he’d fuck me up for being a fag and so he did.”

What Sasuke told him, the way he told him and everything made him really confused and angry at the same time.

“What?”

“Are you retarded or something?”  
The black haired teen sounded unnecessarily annoyed. It was obvious that the blond had understood, he just couldn’t comprehend what he’d been told.

Silence fell among them and filled the room for a few minutes, until Naruto decided to talk again.

“What’s his name?”

“He said he’s called Sasori. Why?”

“He’s gonna pay for this”, Naruto hissed between clenched teeth.

“I don’t think you should deflect your anger for me on him.”

“It’s not like that!”  
He was fuming by now.  
“He laid hands on you and he’s gonna lose them for what he did!”

“Hey, calm down. It’s not even that bad, really.”

“You’re a fucking liar, but I’m not gonna deal with you right now!”

“Naruto, stop that.”  
His tone was demanding. He got up again slowly just to grab the blond’s hand and pulled at it weakly.

Naruto looked right at him, as he pulled his hand back in order to stroke the other’s cheek.  
“No one has the right to touch you, except for me. Got that?”

But instead of giving him the chance to answer, he pulled Sasuke’s face towards his own and kissed him. Gentle at first, but then rough as he started using his tongue, just as he remembered Sasuke’d done at the party. When he broke the kiss, he leaned in close enough for Sasuke to hear him whisper.  
“You started this. And now you’re mine. You’ve driven me crazy for the whole weekend, now deal with the damn consequences.”

Naruto shoved Sasuke onto Suigetsu’s bed only to follow him, his hands placed next to the black haired teen’s face, his feet still on the ground, so he wouldn’t put any of his weight on the other’s damaged body.  
“What do you think you’re doing?”, Sasuke asked, his voice as cold as ice.

“Getting it on with you.”

“Wait, what? What on earth makes you think that’s what I want?”

“C’mon, you checking me out all the time, all the unnecessary touching, that extremely hot kiss at Kiba’s, there’s no way you wouldn’t.”

He was right. But not here and not now. At least not like this.  
“Whoa, slow down”, Sasuke interrupted his actions.  
“How about we talk this over first? This isn’t even your own bed!”  
Sasuke was visibly shocked by Naruto’s behaviour. It just wasn’t like him.

“I’m sorry”, Naruto replied, getting off Sasuke and taking a seat next to him.  
“It’s just… this whole thing with you, it’s making me so confused! I don’t even know how this all works, so I just read about it and it’s all so confusing to me!”  
He sounded a little desperate.

“You read about it? About what?”

The blond blushed and looked away.  
“Sex.”

“You think that’s what it’s all about, sex? Seriously?”  
Sasuke couldn’t hide his anger. That wasn’t what it was for him at all. Why did he think so badly of him? He didn’t objectify Naruto, or did he?

“I thought- When you kissed me at the party and took me to my room afterwards, that was what you wanted, wasn’t it?”

The black haired teen let out a long sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. He’d hoped all the time Naruto wouldn’t remember that.  
“Naruto… I’m so sorry for the way I behaved that night. Yes, it was what I wanted, but I would never have forced myself onto you. I don’t just want your body.”  
He paused.  
“It’s you I want.”  
At this, he blushed slightly. He hated admitting the way he felt, but on the other hand Naruto knew way more sensitive things about him already anyway. 

Naruto turned to him and looked him into the eyes.  
“Sorry, I wasn’t really listening, could you repeat that last bit?”

“Usuratonkachi!”  
Sasuke was certain that Naruto had done it on purpose to loosen things up, after all he knew him so well, and it actually helped. He sat up, just to push Naruto down and get on top of him.

“Always so violent”, the blond smirked. That was his Sasuke, the one he’d met all those years ago.

“You better watch out”, he breathed and leant down to kiss Naruto. This time, when their lips collided it was like the earth had stopped for a split second just to continue much faster than before. The blond’s tongue mirrored the eagerness of a horny teenage boy and it made Sasuke remember that Naruto was still a virgin. They’d talked about their sexual experience once, although Sasuke’d completely avoided to tell him that he was gay. He hadn’t meant to shock him just then.  
Naruto was the kind of nice guy all the girls liked, but only as a friend. That was probably his eternal curse. Sasuke could only imagine how much it sucked to be the nice guy, because all the girls were always after the asshole, namely him. His first and only kiss until high school had been Sasuke in elementary school, when for whatever silly reason the idiot had sat on his desk and one of their classmates had shoved him by accident, which had resulted in Naruto landing lips first on Sasuke’s lips.  
He also assumed that the other kisses Naruto had gotten had mostly been out of sympathy for him. The fact that until now there’d never been any further sexual contact with anyone seemed to prove this.  
Sasuke however had already had a few partners by now. There’d been a few meaningless fucks after Suigetsu, though never anything more.  
Because of that he gladly took the wheel and broke their kiss in order to let his hands explore Naruto’s chest.

“Get rid of that”, he ordered, tugging at Naruto’s t-shirt, which got him an uncertain look.  
“Not like I haven’t seen you naked before, moron”, he added.

The blond was hesitant at first, but then slowly took off his shirt and turned his head away, so he wouldn’t have to look at Sasuke.

“Wish I’d found out how to shut you up sooner, this is quite effective”, the black haired teen joked.  
“Look at me”, he then commanded.

Naruto was way too ashamed to obey, but Sasuke simply took his chin and forced him to look.  
“I said ‘look at me’”, he hissed, grinning smugly.

“But Sasuke-”  
But before he could argue any further Sasuke’d shifted on top of him, so he could stroke his crotch through his trousers, which was almost immediately answered by Naruto’s cock pressing against his fingers through the fabric. The blond twitched at the unexpected touch and looked away again, which made Sasuke halt.

“You like this, huh?”, he asked and was only answered by a cautious nod.

“Then look at me or else I won’t continue.”

Naruto let out an almost pained moan.

“Look!”

Naruto’s face was all red when he turned it back at Sasuke although covering his eyes with his arm.

“No. Put your arm down.”

Meanwhile the blond’s member had become flaccid again. It took him all of his willpower to obey Sasuke, but it soon earned him another touch of the raven haired teen on top of him and his penis reacted straightaway, bringing back his erection.

“Ah, Sasuke-“  
A moan escaped Naruto’s mouth before he could cover it with his hand and Sasuke gave him a satisfied grin.  
“That’s a good boy.”

It was just a slight touch, Naruto’s trousers were still between his penis and Sasuke’s fingers after all, but it felt so intense to him – the thought of being touched by Sasuke alone sent his mind into overdrive. 

“Don’t you think we should remove your pants? They’re in my way.”  
Sasuke’s voice sent shivers through his spine and before Naruto could even realise what he’d just suggested, the other was already moving his pants down to his knees in order to reveal orange boxer shorts that were standing up like a tent due to Naruto’s erection.  
Normally, Sasuke would have mocked him for the orange boxers, but the fact that the blond’s face was all red restrained him, so he just proceeded to stroke Naruto’s cock through the fabric that was still preventing a direct touch.

“Sasuke, please-“, Naruto moaned, closing his eyes, but this time Sasuke let him. He’d played with him enough for today. Naruto’s boxers were already wet from the leaking precum.  
The black haired teen slowly pulled down the blond’s boxers and his throbbing member sprung free.  
Sasuke used the fact that Naruto still pressed his eyes shut to surprise him by licking along his shaft slowly, starting from the bottom and resting at the tip, massaging it with his tongue.

“M-god-“, Naruto let out muffled as he was now covering his mouth with the back of his hand.  
His cock twitched eagerly against Sasuke’s tongue and it was almost too much for him to take. 

It wasn’t until the black haired teen took the tip in his mouth and started sucking on it that Naruto had to suppress what would probably have been a scream.   
This was so different from what he’d expected his first blow job to be, but damn it felt so fucking hot.  
Just when he was sure his brain was about to melt any minute, he felt his orgasm building up.

“Ahh- I’m gonna- ah-“  
He couldn’t even finish his sentence, because Sasuke intensified his sucking and started using his tongue again and the combination sent him over the edge way faster than he’d anticipated.

He let out a long moan as he came, violently shooting his load into Sasuke’s mouth, who gladly swallowed. This couldn’t be real, Naruto thought, still in the haze of his orgasm.  
It was the fact that the other still continued his sucking a little that turned his brain into jello for a few minutes.

When he regained his composure Sasuke was sitting next to him, basically staring at him and immediately the awkwardness returned, so Naruto quickly grabbed whatever he could of the blanket in order to cover himself.

“So effective when I’ve seen you naked for the past 20 minutes”, Sasuke teased.

“Shuddup!”  
Naruto’s cheeks were burning red.

“I just mean that there’s no need to cover yourself. Your body is beautiful.”

“What?”  
Sasuke was smiling, he hardly ever did that.

“Can’t you just take a compliment, moron?”  
And gone was his smile, replaced by his usual bitch face.

Without saying anything the blond reached for his boxers and pants to pull them up again underneath the blanket, which he knew was unnecessary, but somehow made him feel a little less ashamed. Had he really just gotten his first ever blow job by Sasuke Uchiha?

“Yes, this actually happened”, Sasuke answered dryly. The question had been written on Naruto’s face clearly.

“But… this is not… appropriate”, he stammered out, only intensifying the reddening of his face.

“Boo-hoo! You were enjoying it quite too much to be saying this shit right now.”

Although he was technically right somehow it felt wrong to put it like that. It only made the blond feel guilty for enjoying what had happened before even more.

“Get a grip! We were just having a little fun, there’s nothing bad about that”, Sasuke tried again.

“You sound like you do this all the time”, Naruto snapped at him in return.

“Technically-“

“What?”, the blond exclaimed.  
“You can’t be serious right now!”

“If you’d just let me finish. No, I don’t do this all the time, but I’m not denying that there’s been a time when I did.”

“Not much better! What the fuck am I to you then, a play toy?”, Naruto bawled at Sasuke.

“Not at all. You of all should know that.”  
The black haired teen averted his gaze. Naruto’s assumptions hurt him far more than they should have, but he couldn’t help it. The idiot had gotten to him after all.

When Naruto noticed Sasuke’s reaction his anger slowly abated. He hadn’t meant to lambast him.

“Fuck. Why’s this all so difficult?”

“Because of emotions. They always make everything complicated. Caring isn’t always an advantage as it seems”, Sasuke answered, bitterness in his voice.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s just- This is all too much for me! I never thought of you like… that before. I don’t understand any of this and it’s fucking scary.”

“But it shouldn’t be! I hate this part, I really do”, Sasuke admitted. He’d gone through this all with Suigetsu when they were younger, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do this once again.

“Let’s just- We can- We should-“

“Shush!”  
Sasuke suddenly pressed his lips onto Naruto’s again, clearly demanding a reaction. When the blond opened his mouth slightly to welcome his tongue, a wave of relief went through his body, all anxiety fading away for a moment, before he broke their kiss again.

“Can we please not have this talk right now and just indulge in the moment?”  
Sasuke looked Naruto right in the eyes, when he received a tentative nod for an answer.

“Sasuke?”

“Huh?”

“Why’s it suddenly okay to do this in Sui’s bed?”

“I never said that I wouldn’t do it.”  
He put all his emphasis on the “I”.  
“I was just saying that you probably shouldn’t. After all, I’ve done plenty of stuff in this bed right here already.”

“Eww, too much information!”  
The two of them just had to laugh at the situation, removing every last bit of awkwardness from it, when Sasuke launched himself at Naruto, instigating a kind of pillow fight, except there was only one pillow in this bed and it was really just to provoke Naruto into using the blanket against him, so he’d no longer cover his still bare chest with it. The black haired teen though hadn’t considered that the blond would wrap him in it, blocking his vision completely.

“Ow! You’re crushing me”, Sasuke exclaimed, although muffled by the blanket above his head.

Naruto had completely forgotten about the bruises and retreated immediately.  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”

He helped Sasuke get rid of the blanket only to get hit in the face by Sui’s pillow.  
“That’s what you get for your mercy!”  
He grinned at Naruto in order to cover the fact that he was clenching his teeth in pain.

“You two enjoying yourself?”

“Shit, Sui-“  
Sasuke wanted to explain himself, but to be honest there really wasn’t a good explanation for this. 

“Nah, it’s fine! Glad to see that you two made up”, Sui assured.  
But he swore he could see her heart break the minute she forced her neutral expression into the kind smile she wore most of the time.  
I’m so sorry, he thought over and over again, but he couldn’t say it because Naruto was still in the room with them and he was sure it would come across the wrong way.  
Again, he’d completely fucked up while just trying to be happy for once. Who’d even want to be happy if it meant that you inevitably had to hurt someone – Sui of all people.  
He started to feel bad for not loving Sui, not loving Suigetsu, not loving anything about them anymore. And he wondered if he’d even ever had. She wasn’t doing it on purpose, but her sad aura that she was trying to hide so badly made him feel like there was water in his lungs and he’d suffocate any minute. It was suddenly so hard to breathe.

Meanwhile, Naruto had started searching for his shirt manically. The colour of his face resembled a tomato by now, which Sasuke found inappropriately appealing.

“You should probably go now and continue this in one of your rooms.”  
Sui’s smile was the most unsettling thing ever in that very moment. 

“Thanks for everything, Sui”, Sasuke turned to her with a lump in his throat. Somehow this felt like good-bye. He couldn’t quite put his finger on why it felt like that, but he sensed that things would never be the same again.   
“It’s okay.”  
She just kept smiling.  
“Some things aren’t meant to be”, she added, not giving away too much in front of Naruto.

“Yeah, right”, Sasuke agreed, still feeling the lump in his throat.

“Come on, Naruto, let’s grab something to eat”, he suggested in order to get away fast.

“What about Sui? Don’t you want anything, Sui?”, Naruto who was now wearing his shirt again asked.

“I’m good, thanks Naruto.“

“You have to join us another time!”

“We’ll see about that, okay?”

“Alright! To Ichiraku’s then!”  
At moments like these Naruto’s simplicity really came in handy. He didn’t seem to pick up the mood at all and was just looking forward to eating Ramen. At least that was what Sasuke thought. He always tended to underestimate the blond, who just tried to brighten things most of the time. Naruto hated to see people unhappy, he was just too pure.

As they left Naruto went ahead, so Sasuke turned to Sui once more.  
“I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess I just wasn’t ready for this yet, wasn’t ready to give up on you yet.”  
Her smile faded only now.

“I hate letting you alone right now.”

“But that’s what this is about, you leaving me alone someday. No one prepares you for that, I guess.”

“Will you be alright?”

“Eventually.”

Sasuke pulled her into a hug.  
“I’m so sorry”, he whispered.

“Saaaaaaasuke, you coming?”   
He heard Naruto shout from around the corner.

“Please be safe”, he poked her forehead gently and finally left, while everything in him contracted. 

“You’ll be the end of me, Sasuke Uchiha”, Sui sighed when the black haired teen had disappeared around the corner.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still alive and I'm still wirting this! So sorry it took me so long, but I was on vacation and I just didn't get the chance to write properly.
> 
> This chapter actually jumps back in time so you can read about Naruto's weekend after the party. Thought I needed to fill in some blanks there.
> 
> Some slight lime included.

When Naruto woke up on Friday, he was all alone in his bed, quick check: fully clothed.  
“Ugh, my head”, he mumbled.  
His fingers searched his mattress for the phone that was still in his pocket. When it finally occurred to him and he found it, he dropped it onto his face in his first attempt to check the clock.  
“Ow, shit!”

This day already sucked. The blinding display didn’t help, neither did seeing what time it was when his eyes had finally adjusted to the brightness.  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”  
3:30 p.m. and his last lecture for the day would end in 15 minutes. There was no use in going anymore. He hated skipping, because he really needed to go since he wasn’t that good in studying it all by himself. 

Naruto’s head hurt like hell and bit by bit the memories of last night returned to his mind.   
“What the fuck?”, he muttered.

He slowly sat up and held his head with one hand while typing a message.  
Asshole, call or text asap.  
But when the minutes went by without a response he decided to call Sasuke.  
“The person you’ve called is not available. Please, try again later.”

“He shut his phone off? Motherfucker”, the blond shouted at no one.  
Only then he noticed that his inbox was full of messages and his Facebook notifications went crazy.

“Naruto, what the heck is wrong with you? Sasuke’s mine! – Ino”

“Dude, you’re so hot in this video. Wanna go for a coffee sometime? – Sai PS: Got your number from Kiba, hope you don’t mind”

“We need to talk. – Sakura”

He ignored the other messages and tried to call Sakura immediately, but she didn’t pick up. Of course not, she was still in their lecture, but he needed to talk to her right now.  
“Hey there! I can’t pick up right now, please leave a message after the beep and I’ll call back!”  
Beep.  
Her voice sounded so sweet in his ears and they’d kissed after all.  
“Hey Sakura, please call back. Sorry I didn’t call sooner.”

He hung up and looked through his messages again. Nothing important though, so he went to check Facebook. It was normal to have friend requests and picture notifications after a party, but his timeline basically exploded with one video. Him and Sasuke. Kissing, no, making out. And everyone shared it, liked it, commented on it.  
His face turned the reddest of reds when he watched it. What the fuck was going on in that video? He trailed his lips with his index finger as if to figure out if there was anything of Sasuke left on them, but there wasn’t. He tried really hard to remember the feeling or what the raven haired teen tasted like, but he couldn’t remember. However, the blond licked his lips reflexively.  
He’d just finished thinking about how he’d kill him the next time they met when the scene from the video began to replay in his mind. Sasuke’s hot lips pressed onto his. Naruto had always figured that they must be cold, just like Sasuke himself, but to his surprise they weren’t cold at all. He feared they might burn his if he focused too much on the sensation. He didn’t even know why he opened his mouth to let the other in, but Sasuke’s tongue against his felt so intense. He tried to remember what Sakura’s had felt like, but it wasn’t the same, at least the memory wasn’t as good.  
While Sasuke’s tongue still explored his mouth in his mind, his hand travelled towards his trousers that had gotten quite tight.  
His thoughts still focused on the night before he opened them and pushed them down slightly along with his boxers. Along with the blur on his memories the restraint faded and he began stroking himself. Sasuke’s kiss had been tender at first, then rough and needy, just like Sasuke himself. Naruto imagined the other letting his hand slide down his body and into his pants, never breaking their kiss.  
“Ng… Sasuke…”, he let out while imagining that it was Sasuke’s hand on his cock and not his own.  
The thought alone nearly drove him over the edge. He hardly even remembered to cover his dick with his free hand in order not to make a mess which only intensified the sensation when his tip met his palm in an upward stroke.  
“Mmm- Sasu- god!”  
He was a mess when he finally came, but soon the remorse kicked in. He’d just gotten off at the thought of Sasuke, his best friend, his rival, his so-not-crush. He thought he’d found out the real definition of ‘guilty pleasure’.

It took him about five minutes before he could slowly get out of bed in order to clean himself, because he was immediately reminded of his hangover when he tried to get up too fast.  
He quickly pulled up his trousers when he heard his phone vibrate in his bed and almost jumped towards it, making him really sick, but he got himself together again when it displayed Sakura’s name. Thank god, he thought. He flinched though when his phone also displayed their last call, claiming it had been an incoming call and just about 10 minutes ago.  
Oh god no. He picked up.

“Finished?”, Sakura simply asked.

“What?”

“Are you done?”

“With what?”

“You better tell me, because I called you back as you told me to just to hear you moaning Sasuke’s name! What the hell is wrong with you? Wasn’t ditching me at the party enough? I’m really not someone to play around with, you of all should know that! I don’t deserve this!-“

“Sakura, wait”, he interrupted.  
“It’s not what you think. Please, let me explain.”

“I don’t think there’s much to explain”, she snapped.  
“I thought I meant something to you!”

“But you did-“

“What?”, she shouted through the phone.

“You do! Shit, you know I’m no good at talking.”

“And at thinking it seems! You push me away in order to make out with Sasuke and then you call me the next day, telling me to call back and when I do you pick up just to make me listen to the two of you having sex! What the hell is wrong with you?”  
Naruto had hardly ever experienced her that angry before. She sounded like she was about to jump at his throat right through the phone. And he knew that Sakura developed creepy super powers when she was angry.

“It’s not-“

“What I think? Then what is it? Naruto, tell me!”

“I didn’t pick up on purpose and I wasn’t having sex with Sasuke!”

“Why else would you be moaning his name then? I thought I was the one you wanted!”

“It was always just you”, he began.  
“I didn’t push you away, Sasuke did. I never meant to push you away.”

“You let him. There is really no difference in that. I’ve seen you kiss, basically everyone has! You weren’t resisting him, Naruto. And now you moan his name and make me listen. Why’d you even pick up?”

“It wasn’t on purpose. I probably did it with my elbow, I don’t know. I didn’t mean to do that.”  
He wasn’t only sorry, but extremely embarrassed at the fact that Sakura had heard him.

“What were you even doing?”

“I don’t think I should talk to you about that, y’know.”

“You weren’t honestly-?”

“Can you please forget this ever happened?”

“Ew… I guess I can, but you have to do something for me in return.”  
She sounded much calmer now.

“Anything!”

“Forget about our kiss. It was a mistake from the beginning, I should have known better than to kiss you. We’re not meant to be lovers. See, I like you. I like you a lot, but only as a friend. I don’t think that should change, especially not when I’m not even the one you want.”

“But I do want you!”

“Idiot, you obviously don’t. Clear your mind. I need some time away from you, I guess.”  
This hurt, but somehow not as much as he’d thought it would.

“But we’ll still be friends?”

“Of course, idiot! I gotta hang up now, Ino’s waiting for me. Make up your mind, okay?”

“But-“

“No more but, it really is better that way.”

“If you say so, I guess you’re right… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Have a nice weekend, Naruto.”

“You too.”  
And with that she ended the call.

“Fuck”, he shouted so loud everyone in the halls probably heard. Even though Sakura had tried to convince him that it was okay for her and she wasn’t angry anymore, he knew she was. He’d fucked up. Like, really bad.

He also still had no message or call from Sasuke and when he tried calling him again, his phone was still shut off.   
“You gotta be kiddin’ me”, he told the voice, although he knew it was to no avail.  
The blond had no idea what to do next, so he went on Facebook again and read the comments, blushing at the thought of the video.  
“So hot”  
“Niiiiiiiiice”  
“Wish I was in Naruto’s place”  
“Fags”  
“Disgusting”  
“You should get a room!”  
[…]

It really made him wonder how open people had become with all the social media in their lives. None of those people would’ve approached them in person and said those things they wrote, but on Facebook they did. He didn’t even know most of them really, how dare they write things like that?  
Still a little hungover, his head really hurt, so he finally decided to take an aspirin and go back to bed. Some days just held nothing good for you and so Naruto figured it would be best to just hope this one would be over soon. Some days were just spent best with a blanket over your head. This was one of them.

Naruto woke up in the middle of the night feeling tired but unable to sleep any more.  
He’d basically slept the whole day away, he just didn’t need more sleep at that point. Although he wished he’d never have to think about anything ever again, his thoughts jumped to the events of the day; Sakura, Sasuke, and how fucked up all of this was. Things would never be the same, that was for sure, but would his confusion ever go away?   
In this moment hearing nothing from Sasuke bothered him more than ending things with Sakura. She was right after all, somehow. The only way out of this confusion was probably right through it.   
He clearly wanted Sasuke, even his body did, but he was still a virgin.  
The rest of the night he spent with googling how it was to have sex with another man and trying to figure out if he’d be active or passive, although with his insecurities it would be more obvious to be passive, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. He’d never even thought about that before.   
“I could really use some good advice, I guess”, he sighed because he knew exactly who to call. 

“Naruto, I haven’t seen you in forever!”  
Iruka hugged him tightly.

“Yeah, good to see you.”  
Naruto couldn’t hide all of his awkwardness, because he was there for a reason after all.

“So, what’s it you wanted to talk about? Come inside and we can sit down. Ah, and Kakashi’s here too.”

If that wasn’t just great. Naruto couldn’t help but sigh at the thought of talking in front of Kakashi.

“Ah, come on. You can’t tell me you don’t like him.”  
Iruka smiled at him in the kindest way and waved him inside. 

“Does he even do anything else than read porn all day?”

“Of course I do! I make sure to look after Iruka as well!”  
Kakashi’d just appeared behind Iruka and slapped his ass.

“This is so inappropriate”, Naruto exclaimed as he made his way inside.

“Still a virgin, I see”, Kakashi noted.

“No, I’m not- Why have I even come here?”

“To talk”, Iruka reminded him.   
“So what is it?”  
Kakashi and Iruka both gave him the most awkwardly demanding look.

“It’s about someone I might like and, dunno, stuff.”  
He really tried to play it off, but he blushed at the thought that he’d just referred to Sasuke like that.  
Was he someone he might like? Did he like Sasuke?

“Aw, look at him, isn’t he just the cutest”, Kakashi remarked.

“I’ll be making some tea. Why don’t you two go ahead and sit down in the living room?”, Iruka suggested.

“Great idea!”  
The silver haired man seemed to enjoy it even more when Naruto got more awkward.

“So, who is it? The one with the dogs? The one with the creepy eyes?”

“No, none of them- wait! Why do you assume that it’s a boy?”

“Isn’t it?”

Silence followed.

“So, what’s his name? Come on, tell me”, Kakashi demanded.

“Can you promise me not to lose your mind over this?”

“I’m begging you, why would I do that?”

“It’s Sasuke.”

“Hey Iruka, you owe me 20 bucks!”

“Wha-“

“I bet him that you’d admit to your feelings for my dear protégé one day and here it is. Now, isn’t that the cutest thing ever!”  
You could clearly see him smiling from ear to ear beneath the stupid mask he always wore. Naruto wondered if he ever took it off.

“But that’s not what you came here for, right?”, Kakashi asked kindly.

“Not exactly. See, I’ve never been with anyone-“

“Oh, so this is about sex? Let me tell you everything”, Kakashi exclaimed.

“Hey, don’t you tell him anything that isn’t suitable for him! He’s only a boy after all”, Iruka warned him from the kitchen, while Naruto went scarlet and hoped for the ground to open up and swallow him on the spot.

“I wouldn’t dare, would I?”, he answered Iruka and then turned to Naruto again.

The blond had been there for at least three hours until they finally let him go. Never had he been more awkward and embarrassed in his whole life and it hadn’t even gotten better when Iruka’d finally joined them with tea. He’d often had to stop Kakashi from going into detail because the silver haired man just loved talking about sex and perverted stuff. He always read porn and never made it a secret after all, so what was there to expect of him?  
On the other hand, Naruto now knew a lot more than before and it sent him on an emotional roller coaster. He’d basically just admitted to liking Sasuke, but he was still so angry at the arrogant asshole. Could he forgive him for embarrassing him in front of everyone? He didn’t even know if he’d want to talk to Sasuke ever again; the thought alone made him want to jump the other and punch him. Or kiss him again. He couldn’t even tell anymore, it was all too much.  
To Naruto, there was nothing worse than losing control and he’d certainly be unable to control himself if he were to talk to the bastard again.

Back in his room, he let himself fall into his bed face first, grabbed his pillow and screamed into it. As if that would help.   
“I need to talk to him”, he mumbled, his face still pressed into the pillow, followed by another muffled scream.  
What other options did he have? Lock himself in his room, cancel all the lectures he had together with Sasuke, never go to parties anymore? Didn’t sound so bad at the moment, but he knew he couldn’t do that either.

He rolled onto his back and turned off his phone without checking for new messages or calls. Probably it wasn’t such a bad idea after all, he didn’t have to leave his room much after all, did he?

The rest of the day he spent thinking about how fucked up the whole situation was and how he could possibly get out. Wanting to get out, he wondered if that was how Sasuke felt all the time, because it surely felt horrible.   
Naruto even forgot to eat for almost the whole day until his growling stomach reminded him at 10 p.m.  
Just great, he thought. There was nothing near campus he could reach before it closed and he’d eaten all the snacks he’d bought. Plus, he didn’t even have much money left for this month. Why hadn’t he eaten at Iruka’s?  
When his stomach cried for food again he decided that he’d have to go to Kiba’s. The Inuzukas always had enough food at their mansion and Naruto was just way too hungry.

After turning on his phone he quickly called Kiba to check if he was at home.

“Yeah, just come over. A few people are here as well”, Kiba informed him.

“Who’s over?”

“Uh, lemme check. Ino, Sai, Shikamaru, Choji, Hinata, Neji and I think I saw Sakura and Lee before.”

“Sounds good, I’ll be 20 minutes.”

“Awesome, see ya!”  
And with the familiar click the call ended. It didn’t actually sound good, after all Sakura was there, but still, he didn’t have to see Sasuke, which was a plus. And considering the emptiness in his stomach there was no way he couldn’t go.

When Naruto arrived at Kiba’s, Ino and Sai were leaving together. He didn’t even know they were seeing each other, in fact he thought Ino was after Sasuke and hadn’t Sai just tried to flirt with him earlier? But the way Ino placed her arm around Sai’s waist made it pretty obvious anyways.

“Yo! Where’s everyone?”

“Took you long enough! You know how everyone suddenly leaves when the first one gets up? Sai and Ino were the last to leave.”

“What a shame though”, Naruto lied. He didn’t need people right now.

“Anyways, you hungry?”

“Always asking the right questions. What can you offer?

“How ‘bout pizza?”

“Awesome!”

Shortly after the pizza was in the oven, the first beers were opened and a lot were to follow. It really was something else spending time with Kiba. They’d known each other for an eternity and Naruto was sure he was game for anything.

“I’m so glad we know each other, y’know”, Naruto murmured.

“What?”

“I said I’m glad I know you”, he repeated.

“Yeah, pretty awesome”, Kiba returned and let himself sink deeper into the couch.  
The pizza was already gone and they were at their fourth round of beers. Not drunk, but certainly not sober anymore the two of them sat way too close without even noticing until their shoulders touched.  
None of them seemed to mind the contact however. If anything they rather enjoyed it.

“Yo, Naruto?”

“Huh?”

“What’s it with you and the Uchiha? Are you a thing now?”

Normally the question would have made him snap and probably even shout at the brunette, but he was way too comfortable to get angry, so a simple “nah” was all he could slur.

“So you’re free, right?”

“Yeah, I guess”, Naruto chuckled. The question alone was reason enough to laugh, since he’d never had a girlfriend or something before and Kiba knew that.

“I see.”

The time stopped when their lips collided. Kiba was rough and confident about the kiss like he knew Naruto wouldn’t deny him. Instead, Naruto returned it until their tongues started a wild fight for dominance.

“You have no idea how long I waited for this”, Kiba breathed between wild kissing and swung himself on top of Naruto.  
When Kiba started to rub himself against the blond, Naruto immediately got hard like the horny teenage virgin he was. It could have been the fact that he and the brunette were so close that they’d never been ashamed of everything in front of each other or it was the alcohol working on his brain, but Naruto didn’t feel embarrassed at all. He shamelessly enjoyed all of Kiba’s movements; Kiba’s tongue on his lips, cheeks, neck, the brunette grinding his crotch against Naruto’s, it barely felt real.

Their tongues didn’t even match each other’s movements anymore since they’d both lost focus in the haze their minds were in. 

“Hn- You-“

“Shuddup.”

Moans filled the air and made it impossible for them to kiss anymore unless they wanted to suffocate in their arousal. It didn’t take long until they both came, messing their pants up. 

“What the-“

“Fuck-“

Kiba got off Naruto again to let himself sink into the couch next to him again, and like that they just sat for about 15 minutes until one of them dared to speak again.

“So, how about we get changed? I can lend you something”, Kiba suggested.

“I think I should go now”, Naruto said dryly. After his brain had recovered from the orgasm and his mind was a little clearer he only wanted to leave as fast as possible.  
He grabbed his jacket and left without any other word. He needed to get away.

The night was cold, just perfect in order to cool down his head. It was also a rather dark night with all stars and even the moon entirely covered by clouds. If it hadn’t been for the street lights it would have been impossible to see anything.  
As he wandered through the darkness his thoughts spiralled. He’d done a lot of dumb things. Like, really dumb things. He’d ran around campus naked once after losing a bet with Kiba, he’d done it a second time after getting way too drunk one night, he’d almost, but thankfully just almost, set the university on fire fooling around in one of the chemistry labs that hadn’t been locked, but still he felt this was the weirdest shit he’d ever done.  
What the fuck was that just now?  
Never before had he desired Kiba, of that he was sure. But he’d enjoyed their dry-humping way too much to deny it. What was wrong with him? It was like Naruto only seemed to do weird stuff anymore, messing around with almost everyone close to him.  
Now that his mind wasn’t occupied with arousal anymore, the confusion returned. The thought of Sasuke had turned him on the day before, now the thing with Kiba; there was no way he wasn’t into boys.  
I’m hella gay, aren’t I?

“But how come I’ve never noticed before?”, he mumbled to himself. He had thought about guys before, but that was a normal thing to do, right? How else would you figure out what you’re into if you didn’t consider all the options? But then there was still Sakura, whom he’d thought he’d fallen for in high school. And Hinata. God, she was gorgeous.  
Da fuck? Go home brain, you’re drunk.

The confusion didn’t clear up until he returned to his room and collapsed onto his bed after brushing off all he was wearing. His boxers were stained anyway, so he’d rather sleep naked tonight than bother to find some fresh ones in his wardrobe.  
The night would have been wakeful if it hadn’t been for the alcohol. Thanks to that he slept the sleep of the just, drooling all over his pillow.

Sunday was the worst. He wasn’t hungover, but the memories of the night before haunted him. It wasn’t even that he wondered how he should act around Kiba, but the fact that he knew Kiba would act as if nothing had happened.  
For the brunette, everything was a massive game and it was all fun and games until someone lost an eye. Although Naruto felt like he had. Not only an eye, but his whole face. It was now clear to him that the alcohol had supressed any embarrassment, but now it was all there.  
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

His thoughts were racing, screaming. There was nothing that he could do to calm down, because instead of sorting out his love life, he’d just gone and made everything a million times worse.  
What the fuck is wrong with you?  
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed.   
How to fuck shit up – a quick and simple guide by Naruto Uzumaki.

It took him far too long to calm down just enough to turn his phone back on and let life confront him again. He’d fucked this up by himself and he was going to sort it out by himself, or had he?  
Hadn’t it been Sasuke in the first place?   
Why do I always have to clean up after you? Your mess is getting out of hand, don’t you see?  
Naruto had been pulled in too long ago to get out again without chaos and destruction. Somehow Sasuke’d always had him wrapped around his finger. The asshole could do as he pleased and Naruto wouldn’t turn his back on him. Although Sasuke really deserved it sometimes. He knew this had to end and he would end it. Finally. Or so he planned. Maybe.  
He should probably get closer with Kiba. Maybe that was what he truly desired and he just didn’t know, because Sasuke occupied his mind so much. The raven haired boy was a hot mess, while Kiba had always been nice to him and fun to be around. There was literally no rational reason to want Sasuke and not Kiba, but he wasn’t rational on this one at all. Sasuke messed with his thoughts and poisoned his heart, but he didn’t care as long as he could be around him.  
No one else had the ability to make him so angry that he wanted to smash their face, except for the black haired bastard. He made Naruto leave all good reason aside on a regular basis and it really messed him up. There were days when he wondered who of them was the lunatic, Sasuke or him? Because in a few bright moments he realised how batshit crazy he was for still putting up with Sasuke’s shit. And it was a lot of shit to put up with.  
No matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t decide what to do. But he figured it would be easiest to avoid Sasuke for a while. At least a few more days. He couldn’t let him go just like that and it made him crazy.  
“Why can’t I just let you go?”, he sighed. This whole fucked up situation just made him angry. Angry at the bastard, angry at himself, angry at everyone, but he decided to blame it all on Sasuke because it was the easiest way out. At least so it seemed since his mind was running out of options.

And as for Kiba, he’d just pretend nothing ever happened in hopes they could just forget about it. There was no reason to make things any more complicated than they already were. He’d just take a few days off all the complications in his life, because Naruto wished it only was that easy. He just hoped that Kiba would play along. Luckily he'd find out the next day that at least that part of his plan would work. As for the other part, well, fuck that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, it's been more than a year. But yeah, here is another chapter. And I can tell you that there will be more as I finished the fic during Camp NaNoWriMo this month. I wrote more than 50k words for it that will now be edited and published chapter by chapter. There will not be another terribly long hiatus that makes you all think I abandoned this fic, I promise.  
> This chapter is kinda dark, I guess. So yeah, enjoy.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”, Naruto asked, his voice a little husky.

“Huh?”  
Sasuke looked up at the blond.

“The cutting… and stuff. Doesn’t it hurt?”, he repeated.

“That’s kinda the point, isn’t it, though?”  
Sasuke looked at Naruto with the most puzzled expression he could muster, wondering if he was talking to a retard.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. I mean- just why?”  
He just couldn’t leave it be, could he?

“You don’t just ask people why they hurt themselves”, Sasuke said dryly, avoiding to give Naruto an answer.

“What else would you do if you were trying to understand, then?”, the blond asked him in a serious tone. There was no way one could be naïve like that.

“I guess you’d just try it yourself and see what it does.”  
As soon as he’d said it, he regretted his words, because he remembered that was how he’d started. It was probably how everyone started these days. They heard of others doing it and just tried it to find out what it did for them. Although it was a false friend, because it’d destroy you on the long run. Sasuke knew very well about the risk of nerve damage, anemia and death, because people who cut themselves were bound to take it too far some day. How would you know where the line lays if you never crossed it?  
He was afraid of crossing it. Constantly. Although on some particularly bad days he hoped he’d just cross that line by accident.  
“Scratch that, okay?”

“Okay”, Naruto replied like he knew how much Sasuke needed the assurance in that moment. Perhaps he wasn’t all that dense after all. He acted like he was a fool a lot of the time, but somehow, beneath that surface was someone who understood the emotions of others way better than Sasuke did himself. Naruto could have been the most manipulative person, but instead he chose to be kind and caring. Something Sasuke would probably never quite understand. He loathed it sometimes.

“Naruto?”, he spoke up.

“Mh?”  
The blond looked him straight in the eye.

“You do know that rats always leave the sinking ship, right?”  
Sasuke’s words were cryptic like they were so often these days.

“That’s what they say, yeah”, he mumbled, trying to avoid unnecessary discussion.

“You’re dumber than a rat.”  
The insult hit home, Sasuke could see it in the way Naruto’s eyes widened for a brief moment. Anyone else would have missed it, but not the Uchiha.

“That’s probably it”, the blond said, trying hard to sound indifferent. He knew better than to argue with Sasuke in that mood. In fact, he’d rather make him shut up right now, before his mood would drag him down as well.

“You really don’t get it, do you? Fucking leave already!”  
He tended to do that, change moods from one second to the next. But if Naruto knew one thing it was not to leave him alone during these moments.

“Yep, not happening. You know that”, the blond said nonchalantly.

“Just fuck off already”, Sasuke almost begged.

“And leave you alone with your fucked up self and whatever the hell you’re hiding around here? So not happening.”

Sasuke didn’t say anything as if he was trying to come up with something that would make Naruto go away, but he’d have to think about that forever. The blond wouldn’t leave. Or so he thought before Sasuke stooped even lower.  
“Whatever it is you’re planning, you either do it with me here watching you or you cut the crap”, Naruto explained calmly. 

“Don’t dare me. You know that won’t stop me.”  
They were now staring at each other like animals that had just fallen into battle stance.

“Square up then, fucker”, Naruto said with a smirk. If his threat to watch didn’t do the deal he’d simply beat the sense back into the Uchiha like he’d done on countless other occasions. 

“I’m not fighting you tonight, moron. You better not test me when I’m in this mood. I could snap your neck in order to shut you up.”  
Sasuke shot him a dangerous glare.

“But we both know you’d never do that, bastard”, Naruto spat at him. He was really getting into this game of provoking each other, while Sasuke was taking this way too seriously. But at this point Naruto would rather risk Sasuke beating him to death than seeing him hurt, although he figured that wouldn’t be the best solution in the long run. The blond wondered if this was what love felt like, because if it was, it surely sucked like hell.

“Wanna risk it?”  
Sasuke’s stare grew even more intense and Naruto saw that faint flicker of red in his eyes again. They seemed to do that when he got really pissed, it freaked him out every time. He figured it’d probably be best to stop provoking him now, before he’d carry out his threat. Being with Sasuke was a lot like playing with fire, but that was exactly what excited the blond so much about it. He always took the risk to burn himself, but he’d not be able to stop it if it happened. Maybe he was the one who was world-worn after all and Sasuke was really just a moody teenager. He’d googled it and found out that a lot of kids these days seemed to behave like the Uchiha did, you just couldn’t tell it from the outside, because most of them were geniuses when it came to hiding their scars and lying about not feeling warm or not wanting to join their friends for a visit to the pool. To be honest, it was quite impressing to Naruto to read about all the creative ways of hiding what they did. And all of them shared one thing: They knew it wasn’t alright and they were terribly ashamed of it. That must have been the reason why Sasuke had ran away from him when he’d found out by accident. Hell, that must have been the reason why he always ran away and why he refused to talk about it seriously. As soon as Naruto brought up the topic, Sasuke’s mood would darken; he’d start threatening him or just throw him out. They weren’t in a relationship after all, technically there was no reason for Naruto to stick around regardless.

“Look, I didn’t mean to-“, Sasuke tried.

“No, it’s alright”, Naruto interrupted him.

“We both know that it really isn’t. I’m dragging you down to hell with me and you know it. I think you really should leave me before it’s too late.”  
The stare was broken and gone was the flicker of red in his eyes. Sasuke lowered his head, probably in order to hide the tears forming in his eyes, but his plan failed.  
While Naruto could see them, he knew it’d be the least humiliating for his friend if he didn’t mention it. He didn’t want to make this harder for Sasuke than it already was. He knew how much the Uchiha hated admitting weakness in front of others, even if it was just Naruto. He’d broken down in front of the blond a few times already and it had always caused a bloody aftermath of self-loathing. Naruto hated to see him that way, because it always sent Sasuke into a downward spiral again. He couldn’t stand the sight. It was friendship at least, but he figured more and more that it might be love indeed.  
“Shit”, he sighed, unaware that he was saying it out loud.

“What?”  
Sasuke looked up again, still not meeting Naruto’s eyes.

There was no way he would share that with Sasuke.  
“Sorry, I just thought out loud.”

“No, go ahead, share your thoughts”, Sasuke said in a daring tone, almost falling back into battle stance. His arrogance suppressed the sadness from before.

“Can we please not do this right now?”  
The blond rolled his eyes. They were in no mood to talk to each other about their feelings right now.

The Uchiha raised a brow.  
“Oh no, I have to insist we do this. Tell me, what is your fucking problem this time, bitch?”

“Sasuke, please. Don’t be like that. I’m concerned, don’t make me say that out loud”, Naruto told him, his face blushing.

“Oh, then why’s that? Why would you care so fucking much?”  
Sasuke got close way too fast and grabbed Naruto by his collar.

“Because we’re friends, you fucking bastard!”  
With that he slapped Sasuke’s hand away.

“No, that’s not what being friends is like. That’s not friendship, Naruto. We both know that. That is exactly why I need you to leave right fucking now. Don’t you see?”, Sasuke said almost desperately again.

“I hate you so much right now”, Naruto sighed.

Anger returned to Sasuke’s face, but it was mixed with a bitterness that was painful just to watch.  
“No, you fucking don’t! That’s the problem here! I treat you like shit, you really should hate me!”

“That’s where you’re wrong. You can be quite a nice guy actually. Thing is you only focus on your shitty moments. I could punch you right now, y’know.”

“You don’t have the balls for that”, Sasuke dared, because he was sure Naruto wouldn’t hold up to his threat. When the blond’s fist connected to his jaw, however, he was proven wrong. 

“Fucker”, the black haired teen grunted. “You can’t be serious!”

“You should probably just watch what you say”, Naruto spoke, but way calmer than Sasuke had anticipated. He didn’t seem angry, but he seemed sad.  
“You always say such horrible things and I know you don’t even mean them, but still you leave behind this huge trail of destruction. Why do you have to be like that?”

“Because that’s who I am-“

“No”, Naruto cut in. “That’s who you pretend to be in order to shut everyone else out, but life doesn’t work that way. We’re not meant to be alone, that’s a fact you’ll just have to accept sooner or later. It doesn’t matter if you want that or not. No one is asking for your opinion here.”  
The blond didn’t shout at him, but his body was trembling in anger. He seemed more dangerous now than ever.

“Please, just leave already”, Sasuke repeated calmly.

“You know what? Fuck this. Fuck you.”  
His voice broke at the end and, but Sasuke didn’t stop him when he got up and finally left. He wouldn’t care about Naruto tonight. He was too tired to care.  
He didn’t even notice that the blond never really left, but after slamming the door shut behind him, sunk to the floor in front of it. He hated himself for retreating, but he couldn’t take Sasuke’s cold attitude anymore. He needed the warmth, he needed to know that the other cared, but the Uchiha was downright emotionally abusive towards him instead, and it shattered him. His heart wasn’t meant to break all the time. Love was supposed to make you happy, not worse.  
“Why does it always have to be you”, he mumbled faintly to himself, as the tears started forming in his eyes. He didn’t even care what time it was and if the corridors would be crowded again soon, at that moment he could only care about his own broken heart and how he just couldn’t keep himself together anymore, not matter how hard he tried. He was pretty sure that his heart hurt more than any wound could and slowly, he was starting to get Sasuke’s argumentation about his self harm. If he’d only wanted to attempt to hurt as much on the outside as he did on his inside, he’d have to wreak havoc on himself. The thought that he’d basically just left Sasuke alone while in that mood only made him feel sick to the core. He’d seen the wounds, he’d seen the blood, he really should have gone back inside, but he was too weak to deal with the person that awaited him behind that door. It wasn’t Sasuke anymore in those moments, it were his demons and against them, Naruto was powerless. Their presence alone would crush his heart and clench his throat. 

Gods, he really needed to puke his guts out right now. He barely made it to the bathrooms and into the stall before he got sick. The thoughts were too much.

“Hey, you alright in there?”  
The door to his stall was pushed open as he hadn’t taken the time to lock it.

“Does it look like it?”, he snapped without looking at the person and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“Don’t get smart on me, kiddo”, the person threatened.

“Who are you even?”, Naruto asked, as he flushed and turned around to face the redhead.

“They call me Sasori, but I figure I’m your worst nightmare today.”  
The name rang a bell, but the blond couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“And why would that be?”, he asked straightforward.

“Because you seem like you need someone to put you in your place”, Sasori said with a smirk.  
Naruto couldn’t even remember having met the guy before, and much less having had problems with him.

“Look, you seem like a reasonable guy”, he lied. “Can’t you just tell me what I did to upset you and then we’ll sort it out?”

“Oh, we certainly will sort it out, yes, but we’ll do it my way, kiddo”, Sasori laughed. “I saw you sulking in front of that fag’s room earlier and then I followed you here. And now, look at you. What’s happened? Have you had too much dick up your gay ass?”  
Now Naruto remembered where he’d heard the name before. The person in front of him was the same person who’d beaten up Sasuke only recently. 

“I’m not gay!”  
He didn’t know why he even said it, because that was really not the problem here.  
“Anyways, who the fuck are you to judge?”

“Just someone who’s concerned about our species, that’s all. If god had wanted people to be gay, he’d made it possible for them to breed. You’re just working towards our extinction”, Sasori explained, although it basically sounded like bullshit to Naruto, but the guy was fucking serious. It sounded so stupid, he had to be serious. That was nothing anyone would just come up with.  
“You do realize just how sick that sounds?”  
Naruto regretted his words as soon as they’d left him when Sasori’s fist connected with his face. Damn, the guy hit way harder than Sasuke did and the blond feared for his cheek bone. He swore the force behind Sasori’s punch could have easily broken it.

“Shut your face, butt pirate!”  
Sasori now locked the stall.  
“Wouldn’t want anyone interrupting us, would we?”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”  
Panic rose up in Naruto. There was no way this would still end well.

“Beating some sense into you. What else would I be doing?”  
He said like it was a normal thing, but then again, in his sick mind it probably was. Naruto considered screaming for help, but he knew it wouldn’t help him if no one heard and once he’d screamed, Sasori would definitely make sure he wouldn’t do it again, so he scratched that off his list for the moment. He didn’t want to die right here. If he were to hit the guy, he’d have to make sure it was a hard hit that could knock him out, but the chances for that were limited at best. Considering his situation, he really was fucked. The only thing left now was probably to pray that he’d lose consciousness soon, so he wouldn’t have to take much. What a pathetic thought. He wasn’t like that at all usually.

“What’s wrong? Are you afraid, fag?”  
Sasori’s laugh was inhuman.

“Your insults are getting boring, y’know”, Naruto told him, a bitter smile on his face, and swung his fist at the guy’s nose with breaking force. There was probably not much to lose anyway.

Sasori covered his now bleeding nose and shook his head.  
“You little fucker! You are so going to regret this.”  
He lunged at Naruto, his fists connecting everywhere they could hit.  
The adrenaline suppressed any pain for now, but the blond was sure this wouldn’t end well for him.

Unlike Sasori, he thought about what to do next and decided to include scratching and biting, until he could reach the guy’s eyes and poke one of them with such force he was sure he must’ve done some serious damage to it. It wasn’t how you fought, but he had no choice but to play dirty if he wanted to get out here alive.  
As Sasori covered his eye with both hands and screamed out in agony, Naruto shoved him backwards toward the toilet, unlocked the door and ran for his life. He was pretty sure he’d done more damage to Sasori than Sasuke had, but he also knew that even if he’d gotten away now, that would mean he was in serious trouble. Now that he’d fought back and actually hurt the guy, Sasori was probably up for revenge.

“Fuck”, he breathed as he basically fell into Sasuke’s room, because it was the closest room to the bathrooms and he’d run there on instinct. He had knocked viciously without saying a word and Sasuke had opened the door after a few seconds of not being able to find out who it was without opening.

“Naruto, what-“  
But he stopped as soon as he’d caught sight of the blond.  
“Holy shit, what happened?”

“Guess I met your friend from last weekend”, he said, but then his knees gave way as the adrenaline subsided and the pain kicked in.

“What’d he do to you?”  
There was an unfamiliar panic in the Uchiha’s eyes, as he approached Naruto and reached out for him, but then decided not to touch him, because he didn’t even know where he hurt. It washed away their fight from before.

“Saw me leave your room, followed me to the bathrooms, and- fuck-“  
He coughed up blood and held his side in agony.

“That fucker”, Sasuke exclaimed. He remembered how rough Sasori had been on him. “We need to get you to a doctor.”

“You might want to lock the door first”, Naruto said between clenched teeth.

“Why?”

“I kinda fucked him up as well and ran here. Chances are he might follow”, he panted.

“What’d you do to him?”, Sasuke asked while locking the door nonetheless.

Naruto laughed a little but hissed in pain as he did.  
“Dunno. Scratched his face, bit his neck-“

“Sounds kinda hot to me”, Sasuke interrupted.

“Tch, shithead. I think what made me get away was poking his eye, though”, he admitted, somehow ashamed now of not having been able to fight back properly.

“You fought like a little bitch, then?”  
He couldn’t help but tease the blond even in a situation like this.

“Shuddup”, Naruto spat at him, still holding his side and curling in on himself.  
“Fuck.”

Concern replaced the Uchiha’s grin at the sight of the blond in such agony.  
“I know, right? Do you need anything?”

“Just some painkillers if you happen to have some would be nice.”  
He tried hard not to sound breathless, but he couldn’t hide his pain.

“Sure, lemme check”, Sasuke said casually in hopes of lifting the mood a little and went to the small bathroom connected to his room. Naruto could only hear the shuffling of boxes as it seemed Sasuke was searching around for something specific.

“What’s that?”, he asked as Sasuke returned and handed him a pill.

“Don’t ask, just take it.”  
It was more of a command than a suggestion.

Not that it really worried him, but Naruto still asked, just to be sure: “You’re not drugging me, though, are you?”

“Why would I be? You’re no use like that anyway. Although this might knock you out and give you some sweet dreams until we’re safe to leave this room.”

“Ah, well”, Naruto sighed as he figured he didn’t have much of a choice. Plus, he’d have put his life into Sasuke’s hands, so why not trust him on this one as well? He’d probably just given him some of the strongest painkillers he owned and Naruto knew he owned a lot, since he’d gone through his stuff way too often by now.

Sasuke handed him a glass of water and watched him swallow the pill, then knelt down next to him.  
“Can you stand?”

“Don’t know if I feel like trying to be honest”, Naruto said with a weak grin.

“Come on”, Sasuke demanded and offered him his arm, on which the blond pulled himself up.

“Shit”, he hissed, trying to breathe the pain away.

“It’s probably the ribs as well. But you won’t feel any of that soon”, Sasuke promised, slowly guiding Naruto over to his bed and cautiously placing him there.  
“Rest now.”

The medicine must have kicked in rather fast after that or time had flown, because the banging on Sasuke’s door wasn’t more than a faint knocking to his ears anymore and Sasori’s screams were completely lost on him.  
Sasuke’d sat down next to him in bed and rested his hand on his cheek until he’d fallen asleep and the Uchiha could finally take care of his own wounds. Naruto had interrupted him after all, but before he’d been able to shout at the blond he’d noticed his state and decided to put himself second, because Naruto had needed him. His own teeth, though, were now clenched as the fading adrenaline allowed his body to remember his own pain.  
He’d made quite a mess, but figured Naruto hadn’t noticed in the haze of his agony. That was what pain did to you, focus your thoughts on your own body.

“Shit…”  
He breathed heavily.

He didn’t even give a damn about Sasori hammering against his door outside. He only hoped this one wouldn’t give way as easily as the last one.  
His head was near killing him. He pulled up the sleeve he’d quickly rolled down when Naruto’d basically fallen into his room, and looked at the ragged tourniquet he’d placed on himself after noticing how deep he’d gone and that the bleeding wouldn’t just stop by itself this time. He just hoped it had by now, because his hand already felt numb and it was starting to scare him. He hadn’t managed to scare himself in a long time; whether that was really a success or a failure he didn’t know. All he knew was they had both managed to get themselves into real deep shit again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes the next chapter, yay! I know it got kinda long, but it just didn't make sense to split anywhere else, so you'll just have to deal with it. It was hell to edit. I removed a lot of words, but added a bunch of other words, so it has 1k more words after my edit. This chapter contains sex, you've been warned.

“Open the fucking door”, Sasori shouted from outside of the room as he continued banging against the door.

Sasuke only closed his eyes and hoped someone would finally notice and call campus security on the sicko. He really didn’t have the nerve to deal with this right now.

“How did we get here?”, he sighed, close to giving up on everything.  
The question would be left unanswered, as he was sure Naruto was out already and couldn’t hear him anymore. It made him think about how they’d met for the first time when they were so much younger. He’d already been a nutcase back then, but Naruto had had all opportunity to become someone. Too bad the blond had decided to put up with him instead. Had he only pushed him away sooner, but he’d not been able to do that. He’d needed him so badly when they’d met again in university. He needed him so badly right now.  
“Why do I always make you end up in trouble, Naruto?”  
He caressed the blond’s cheek softly with his good hand. He needed help, they needed help, he knew that, but he hated admitting his weakness. Having lost control again only proved to him that he wasn’t in charge anymore, but he hated it so much. He didn’t want to be the weak one to ask for help as if asking for help was the only weak thing about it.  
“I’m so fucking sorry”, he mumbled, tears burning into his face like acid on his skin.

“I’m going to kick it in”, Sasori still shouted in front of his door.  
How could no one notice that? Wasn’t anyone next door, or like, on their floor at all? Sasori wasn’t even quiet. Anyone should have heard him. But probably it was just like it always was with people. When there were too many around, no one seemed to care about the single ones. Try screaming for help on a crowded street. People just are shitty like that. It made Sasuke wonder if he’d bother though. Probably not.  
He figured he was an asshole like all the others after all.  
He should probably just end the sick fuck before he could do any further harm. It wasn’t like he was unarmed in here and with weapons he held an advantage, since Sasori seemed to be more into fist fighting. It was the fairest way of fighting, that much Sasuke had to hold out to him, but it had gotten personal when he’d attacked Naruto. Before, Sasuke’d just figured he was someone who liked to scare off people he didn’t like and he’d left him alone after a while after all, so for him, things had been settled, but now the story was on a whole new page. By attacking Naruto he’d started a much bigger conflict than he probably knew. Sasuke was going to make him stop his shit somehow, but he’d rather have done it when he was in a physical shape to do so, which he really wasn’t right now. He felt lightheaded, his hand was numb and somewhere in his brain he even registered the pain in his arm, although he pushed that aside, because it didn’t really matter to him.

“At least come out here, so we can end our fight”, the redhead called.

"Oh, come on, fuck off already." Sasuke was sick of this. He had so many other things on his mind right now, much more important things than some psycho waiting for him outside the door. 

He could almost hear Sasori's chuckle, but he wouldn't be intimidated by that now. At least that was what he wanted the other to believe. "Leave us alone, you sick fuck." His voice carried all the desparation he'd tried to hide so badly. Fuck, there was no way he'd actually scare the redhead off like that. How pathetic.

“Tch, that’d kinda defeat the purpose of this all”, Sasori shouted back at him. He was right about that, Sasuke had to admit. If he left now, his time would have been wasted. Stubborn but reasonable.

Yet, he tried again to convince him to leave. He was in no shape to be dealing with the redhead right now.  
“Leave already! I’m not dealing with you right now!”

“Shame! I might have to break in your door after all to get to your precious lover. He’s in there, isn’t he?”  
Sasori’s tone was mocking.

When Sasuke didn’t answer, he saw it as confirmed.  
“See? You can just hand him over and I’ll leave you for another time.”

Enough was enough, the Uchiha decided and went for his scalpel, hiding it behind his back, before stepping outside. It was small, but he knew how easily it went through skin, so he figured it’d be quite effective in scaring the weird guy off.  
“I told you to fucking leave”, he hissed at the redhead, not yet exposing his weapon.

“Ah, there you are. Decided to be my toy until blondie finds his balls again and decides to join us?”  
Sasori’s attitude made Sasuke want to end him right there and then, but he knew it wouldn’t do them any good and he wasn’t looking for unnecessary trouble.

“Shut your mouth, fuckface”, Sasuke snarled at him, holding up the scalpel when Sasori moved slightly towards him.

“My, my, look what we have here. Were you too scared to face me unarmed?”  
How he still had the audacity to mock him, Sasuke didn’t know, yet he did have a point. Though the black haired boy could’ve easily caused him great harm like that, somehow Sasori seemed to just know that he wouldn’t. And he was right after all; Sasuke was in fact too afraid to face him unarmed in his current state, that’s why he’d brought the scalpel in the first place. And he wouldn’t have come out here without it.  
“Sasuke Uchiha, isn’t it?”, he suddenly asked. “As expected of you to go all psycho. Wasn’t your whole family slaughtered by your own brother, who’s been locked away since?”  
The laugh on his face was inhuman, like he actually found sick pleasure in pressuring Sasuke and risking to drive him over the edge.  
But it seemed even he didn’t want to take too big of a risk as he turned to leave.  
“Guess we’ll be seeing each other, Uchiha”, he called as he left down the corridor, leaving behind a puzzled and slightly shaken Sasuke.

The scene had by now caused some other students to stop by only to see Sasuke standing in the middle of the corridor, a scalpel in hand, still holding it up against the empty space in front of him.  
“Wait, I got this”, someone shouted unnecessarily loud down the hall only to come flying at Sasuke, tackling him into the ground and straddling him from behind.

“What the actual fuck is your problem”, Sasuke cursed at him.

“Could ask you the same. I’m not running around campus with a weapon in hand”, he told him.

“Yeah, right, I was totally planning on running mad with a tiny scalpel, that sounds fucking reasonable! This is my fucking room, you moron! I just came out here, because some fucker was making a fuss at my door, now let go off me!”

“Oh”, the guy sighed. “That kinda makes more sense.”  
He let go off Sasuke’s arms slowly.

“See? Now get the fuck off me or I’ll make this hell for us both”, the Uchiha threatened before the other boy finally lifted his weight off him.

“Sorry, mate”, he said, scratching his head as he got up, letting Sasuke disappear into his room.  
Funny how no one was around when he needed help, but now everyone was there to see him being humiliated. Life sure sucked, plus the shithead had really crushed his arm. He figured it’d be best to get to the hospital with Naruto, who was still out cold. His hand was starting to turn blue and he’d never felt so goddamn helpless.  
There was really only one thing left; he got his phone and went on speed dial.

“Kakashi, help me. I’ve fucked up.” He tried extremely hard to hide the agony in his voice, but he knew damn well that Kakashi just saw right through his façade.  
He needn’t say anything more, no questions were asked, just one simple “I’ll be there in a second” from Kakashi and Sasuke felt himself letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

He must have ignored every rule while driving because he was there way faster than Sasuke’d anticipated.  
He still knocked, though, always did that.  
“Just come in already”, Sasuke called, rolling his eyes, although he truly only felt relief.

“What have you done this time?”, Kakashi asked, obviously trying to sound annoyed, yet he couldn’t hide his concern. He looked around the room, spotting the blond on the bed.  
“Have you knocked out Naruto?” He raised a brow.

“Kinda, but that’s not it”, Sasuke stammered, barely able to hold himself together. He hated asking Kakashi for help so much.

“Sleeves up.”  
Kakashi’s tone was demanding enough to have Sasuke obey him, albeit hesitantly. The man eyed Sasuke’s wrist for a short moment, then his eyes narrowed.  
“Car. Now.” He paused to take a deep breath, most likely in order to calm himself. “And what happened to Naruto anyway? How am I supposed to hook up with his guardian if you do such things to him?”

Sasuke pulled back his arms quickly and pushed down his sleeves again.  
“He’s on Vicodin, but it’s for the best, believe me. He got ravished rather badly; long story, came running in, collapsed on the floor, I had to calm him somehow and make the pain go away. I had good intentions”, Sasuke told him, his breathing picking up.

“Okay, I’m not going to ask any further questions right now. Just hold open the doors for me, we’ll get you both to my car and straight to the hospital. And you’re going to let them do to you whatever they deem necessary, understood?”  
Kakashi’s expression was dead serious, but not scolding.

“Yes, Kakashi.”  
Sasuke hated being the obedient child, but this time, he’d crossed the line and he knew when to sing small.

As he’d promised, no further questions were asked on their ride and no accusations were made. Kakashi had dealt with Sasuke’s shit for far too long now to still be shocked about his protégé’s behavior. He knew the boy had issues, but there was no use in locking him away. The only way to help him really, was to be there for him through whatever he did. It would be no use losing his trust now, wouldn’t get them anywhere. With their relationship like that, it was at least him, whom Sasuke called when shit hit the fan, and that was what mattered. He wanted to be the one to turn to, and that he surely didn’t achieve by pushing the boy away and making him feel miserable. He’d get what was coming to him, and Kakashi would scold him, but he knew what was adequate and what wasn’t. For now, he’d just be there for him, because that was what Sasuke needed right now, someone to turn to without being confronted with how stupid he was, even though Kakashi surely thought exactly that sometimes.  
He’d seen him drunk off his ass more than once and he’d really had to contain himself in order not to punch him right then and there. He’d learned his lesson himself and stopped drinking alcohol after he’d made a complete ass of himself the last time and Kakashi’d had to pick him up off the street in some town a few hours away, because he’d somehow gotten there, but he couldn’t remember how.

 

“Hey there”, he approached the receptionist in the hospital with a smile on his face. “Got one beaten up, unconscious boy and one with a few nasty open cuts here.” Sasuke admired him for not panicking at their situation, but in the end Kakashi was right; what good would it have done them? He wouldn’t have changed the situation if he’d lost his shit and the woman at least needed to know what they were dealing with.

“Okay Sir, how did it happen?”, she asked, while already calling for a doctor.

“I don’t know for sure, because I only brought them here, but I think the blond one got into a fight and the moody black haired one cut himself.”

“How are you related?”

“This one’s my protégé”, he announced, pointing at Sasuke, who’d sat down in order to let Naruto lean on him. “And the other’s his boyfriend.”

“Okay, do you have their insurance information with you? Could you please fill these two forms in?”  
While she was still talking to Kakashi, nurses had already come running to get Naruto away.

“Oh, the blond one is on Vicodin as well”, he called behind them, as he figured it was important somehow.

“Is the wound on your protégé still bleeding? How big is it?”  
She was obviously asking this to assess if he needed immediate care or if it could wait.

“Sasuke, come here for a moment, please”, he said, still in a friendly tone and then turned back to the receptionist. “You better ask him yourself, he’d know better.”  
But it only took one look at the bluish hand for her to register him as an emergency as well.  
“Someone will be with you shortly”, she told him, then turned to Kakashi. “You can wait here while you fill those in and then go to the room in which he is being treated”, she said, eyeing Sasuke and then added “if he’s okay with that.”  
She smiled at Kakashi like they weren’t in a hospital, but then again, it was her job and she saw injury and probably even death on a daily basis.

“Thank you very much”, Kakashi said to her, as he returned to the seats, while Sasuke was led away by another nurse. He felt sorry for the poor sod who’d have to deal with him already. Sasuke could really be a pain in the ass after all. But they were probably used to much worse, Kakashi figured, so he sat down and carefully read what he’d have to fill in. He didn’t know everything about Naruto, but Iruka had really told him a lot of stuff about the boy, so he was able to fill in for him pretty well. He still called Iruka, somehow hoping the man wouldn’t pick up, because he hated having to talk to him in such a situation, but he also couldn’t risk the hospital calling him first. He’d probably die of a heart attack before they could even inform him why they called.  
The conversation was a little hard due to Iruka pretty much tearing up all the time, but Kakashi managed to convince him that everything was fine and that he should just get here safely as fast as he could. He hated not being able to pick him up, but he knew he couldn’t leave Sasuke here as well, so he just had to hope for the man to be enough of an adult to drive here on his own.  
When he hung up he felt a familiar kind of concern; it was what he felt with Sasuke, too. So, Iruka had become family to him by now. He’d have to get used to that.

Down the hall a door flew open.  
“No way in fucking hell I’m staying in this shithole!”  
The door was shut again and Kakashi stood up, sighing.

“I better join them”, he told the receptionist, who looked at him with a puzzled expression as he handed her the forms he’d filled in as good as he could and pointed down the hall. She only nodded.

“Have you no shame, Sasuke Uchiha?”, he asked, now with a slightly raised voice, as he entered the room. They held him by his shoulders, so he didn’t try to run off again.

“They want to keep me on psychiatric watch”, he complained to Kakashi loudly.

“Of course, they want to keep you on psychiatric watch. You cut your wrist open. Last time I checked that wasn’t what students did”, Kakashi snapped at him, but then regained his composure. “So, do me favor, be a good boy and calm down.”  
He sighed, thinking about the last time he’d been in a similar situation with Sasuke. It wasn’t like he enjoyed being here.  
“They’ll simply sedate you, if you keep on struggling and that will extend your stay, so I suggest you cut the crap. For everyone’s sake, Sasuke”, he added.

The boy knew that Kakashi was right and hell, they had every reason to keep him here. He’d barely convinced them that it hadn’t been a suicide attempt.

“Sir, can you tell me for how long your son’s been suicidal?”, the doctor now turned to him.

“I told you I’m not fucking-“, Sasuke started shouting, but Kakashi cut him off.

“Suicidal? Sasuke? No, that’s not it. If he was suicidal, he’d be dead already, he’s not really as dumb as he acts right now”, he told the doctor.  
That answer had him looking up as if he’d seen a ghost. That was the good thing about Kakashi, he was honest and Sasuke knew he could rely on him. There was a reason why he’d came running after he’d heard Sasuke shout after all, or why he’d basically rushed to campus when he’d called him earlier. And he hadn’t even corrected the doctor for calling Sasuke his son. Beneath his grumpy surface he really was glad that he had Kakashi after all, he could’ve had it so much worse and maybe he’d actually be suicidal if it wasn’t for his guardian.  
Sasuke remembered one of their fights particularly well. He’d come home a little tipsy and Kakashi had lectured him about what alcohol could do to you, but Sasuke had began shouting at him to not behave like a father when he surely wasn’t his father and how he’d never be a father to him. But the worst thing he’d done was tell him that he didn’t know what it meant to lose everyone you love. Instead of shouting at him or even slapping him across the face, because that would have been rightful, he simply smiled at him and told him how he couldn’t learn about that anymore, because he’d already had everyone important to him, die. He could have reacted much differently, but what he’d done had caught Sasuke completely off guard. Kakashi had come close to him and just when he’d expected to be hit, he’d pulled him in for a heartily embrace and whispered in his ear.  
“Don’t you dare ever join them, okay?”  
He’d made a mental note that day never to behave that shitty again. Of course, he had, but he’d never quite crossed that line again, never gone that far again. He knew that Kakashi really did consider him his son and he kind of considered him a father, because Kakashi was the closest to a father he’d ever have again.

“I’m sorry, Kakashi”, Sasuke mumbled, his voice devoid of all his former anger.

“Don’t make a fool of yourself. We’ll just need to get you on your feet again.”  
Kakashi’s smile surely could rip your heart out in moments like these, because Sasuke surely did not think he deserved this understanding and caring attitude. Other parents would have shouted at their children, at the doctors, at everyone and they would have thought about locking him away. Kakashi was never like that, Sasuke knew that. He knew that Kakashi would make sure that he didn’t stay here longer than necessary and he was right, if he didn’t throw a fit here right now and simply played along they’d release him sooner.

“Will you be good now while I talk to the doctor outside?”  
Kakashi asked the question like that on purpose.

“Yes”, he barely whispered, feeling humiliated by the father-son-moment.

“Good”, Kakashi said and turned to the doctor again. “Why don’t you tell me about what you did while I wasn’t in here?”

“Sure”, the man nodded, looking over to Sasuke first, waiting for him to now, and then leading Kakashi outside.

Sasuke couldn’t hear their conversation, but he assumed the doctor told him everything. The thought alone was somewhat humiliating, but Kakashi wouldn’t have let it slip anyhow, and it was better like that than having to talk about it all himself. He hated doing this to Kakashi, because it sure felt like he was hurting him on purpose. It was a thought he had to shake off quickly or he’d get carried away.  
“Do you know anything about Naruto yet?”, Sasuke asked as he entered again.

“Sorry, not yet. But I think Iruka will tell us if there’s news.”  
At the thought of Iruka arriving here soon his eyes trailed off for a second. Not long, but long enough for Sasuke to notice.

“Iruka’s here?”, he asked, not wanting to push the topic too much, but still show concern.

“On his way. I called him when I waited outside. They’d have informed him anyway, so I figured it’d be nicer if I was the one to tell him”, he admitted.

“Makes sense. What’d he say?”  
Sasuke noticed how Kakashi’s body tensed at the topic of Iruka.

“Couldn’t really make it out, he mainly just cried. He’s that kind of person”, Kakashi said with a bitter smile on his face. It was what he loved about the man, but in times like these, it didn’t really come in handy.

“Guess you’ve gotten to know each other quite well”, Sasuke said, but it sounded more like he’d thought out loud. He realized that they rarely ever talked about Kakashi when they talked.  
“Sorry I cause you so much trouble.”

“Don’t be silly.”  
It was things like that that made everything so easy around Kakashi. He barely ever felt ashamed in front of him. Every emotion, Kakashi had already seen him in. There was nearly nothing he didn’t know about Sasuke. That was what made it so easy for him to keep his cool about situations. He knew what Sasuke did and what he didn’t do.

It was loud outside anyway, but it was getting even louder when a particularly hysteric person entered the hospital.  
“Oh my god, where is he? Is he dead?”  
Iruka’s voice was so loud, it would have been impossible not to hear him. Even across the hall.

“Is it okay if I leave you here for now?”, Kakashi asked Sasuke, scratching his head. “I’ll make sure to come see you in your room later, okay?”

“Sure, just go already, before they throw him out again.”  
Sasuke did have a point. Hysteric visitors were often thrown out in order not to cause an uproar. Emotional management sure was a hell of a job in a hospital. Normally, you only were in one when something upsetting had happened, no one needed any more panic around them in that state.

When he arrived at the scene, the nurses were already holding him by his arms and contemplating what to do next.  
“Iruka, hey, it’s okay. I’m here and it’s not that bad”, Kakashi lied on instinct.

“Kakashi”, Iruka exclaimed, tears streaming down his face. The nurses let go off his arms when Kakashi nodded at them. “It’s okay, I got him.”

“Please, Sir, can you take him outside until he’s more composed? He ‘s unsettling the other patients.”

“Of course, I will.”

As he was let loose, he basically fell into Kakashi’s arms, who instantly started stroking his back.  
“Shhhh, it’s okay. Let’s go get some fresh air and I’ll tell you what happened.”

“But they won’t let me see him, Kakashi!”

“That’s probably because he’s still in surgery”, he guessed, looking at the nurses for assurance, and one of them nodded at him.  
“You can’t just burst in there nonetheless. Come on.”  
His calm way always made Iruka feel strangely at ease. Around Kakashi he felt like the world couldn’t get to him.

“Can I see him soon?”, he asked, still refusing to go.

“I’m sure. But for now, we’ll have to let them do their job, okay?”  
Kakashi put all his effort in sounding reassuring. Finally, Iruka nodded and let Kakashi gently push him towards the doors.

 

They walked back inside after Iruka had stopped crying for the third time and Kakashi was sure he wouldn’t make a fuss inside again. He also made him promise that he wouldn’t. However, when they stepped inside, the sobbing started again, so Kakashi elbowed him in the ribs gently.  
“Keep it together or they’ll throw us out. I know it’s hard, dear, but you can do it.”  
Kakashi’s hand on his back was the most assuring thing ever. He suddenly felt like they could conquer the world.

They went to the reception and Kakashi decided to do the talking, before Iruka would start crying again.  
“Can you tell me where Naruto Uzumaki is?”

“Yes, he’s out of surgery. I can tell you the room number, but I have to ask you not to disturb him too much. He’s alright, but he is asleep right now and he really needs to rest. Okay?”  
Iruka’s eyes watered again at her words and Kakashi drew small circles on his back with his hand in order to calm him.

“Yes, thank you very much.”

“Good, he’s in room number 208, but please bear in mind what I just said. Don’t try to talk to him if he’s not awake. He really needs his sleep in order to recover.”  
Albeit talking to Kakashi, she looked at Iruka while she said it.

“Got it.”  
Kakashi nodded at her and left for Naruto’s room dragging Iruka along with him. He’d just make sure that Iruka was alright and then go find out where they’d taken Sasuke, because he was sure the boy hadn’t been able to stay completely calm after his last outburst. He hated not being able to divide into two, because that would have surely come in handy right now. He hated leaving Sasuke alone in that moment, but he also couldn’t afford to have Iruka thrown out of the hospital. This family was already getting stressful.

Room 108 was on the first floor, just near the elevator. And when they walked in, Naruto was asleep in the hospital bed next to the window. He didn’t look too good, but that was probably due to him being punched in the face. The swollen cheek and black eye really made him look like he’d almost been beaten to death. The rest of his body was fortunately covered by the blanket. Kakashi figured Iruka needn’t see more of him, because Kakashi had seen the red marks of beginning bruising on his arms as well and he probably had them on his legs and torso, too.  
He’d have to ask Sasuke who it was that did all those things to Naruto, because that guy surely deserved to be taken care of by the police. Although he’d have loved to take care of him himself. He could put two and two together. It was most likely the same guy that was responsible for Sasuke’s injuries as well. The doctor had told him that there were almost healed bruises on his body as well and that he didn’t think Sasuke had inflicted them on himself. He’d just chosen not to ask Sasuke about it in order to spare him the shame of having to admit that he’d been beaten up. Kakashi knew that Sasuke’s ego could be a fragile thing from time to time. Although it made him wonder if the guy was still breathing, after he’d messed with him and then Naruto as well. He probably wouldn’t be for too long, though.

“Kakashi”, Iruka sobbed. “He looks so wrecked.”

“Shhh, don’t wake him up. He’ll be alright”, Kakashi told him by reflex.

“I know, but he doesn’t look like it right now.”  
Iruka’s sobbing became louder.

“Come on, we should go now. I have to look after Sasuke anyways.”  
He did have to look after Sasuke, but he mainly wanted to get Iruka out of here again, because the man evidently couldn’t take the sight of Naruto in the hospital bed.

“Wait, Sasuke’s here, too?”  
Iruka’s eyes widened at the message.

“I told you that”, Kakashi said mockingly. He really was no use in an emotional situation like that. Kakashi took a mental note to remember that for the future.

Judging by his look, Iruka took it way more seriously than Kakashi had meant it.  
“You did? Oh god, I didn’t listen! I’m so sorry!”

“Keep your voice down, dear. It’s okay. You were worried about Naruto, that’s only normal.”  
Kakashi tried his best to be reassuring. He hated to see Iruka like that. He wasn’t the toughest one out there, but right now he simply behaved unreasonable. Naruto would be alright and shit just happened sometimes. That was what living meant after all. It only proved that they were still alive. When you live, you get hurt and you bleed sometimes, but that isn’t always a bad thing. It’s necessary to remind us that we’re alive sometimes. At least that was what Kakashi told himself every time his heart was broken once again. And that had happened a lot in the past. Thinking like that was evidently what made him able to understand Sasuke so well.  
“Can we go look for Sasuke now?”  
Iruka nodded, looking at Naruto one last time, before they left the room again.

“It’s okay, we’ll come back tomorrow when he’s awake”, Kakashi assured him once more. Iruka couldn’t help himself but to think that this man must have been sent to him by the angels in order to help him cope. Even if times were hard for Kakashi himself, he always was the one who kept Iruka right.  
“Thank you”, he mumbled.

They went back to the reception and the woman still gave them a kind smile. Kakashi couldn’t help but think how hard it must be to keep smiling through everything that happened here. After all, Iruka had almost caused her trouble earlier, but still she kept being friendly. It was admirable. He know what it was like, always forcing a smile without it looking forced.  
“Sasuke Uchiha, right?”, she asked, before Kakashi could talk.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Room 406”, she told them and they left again with a thankful nod.

“An awful lot of running, huh?”  
Iruka noticed how Kakashi’s body tensed on their way. He knew Sasuke had a history of hospitalization because of his mental condition, but they’d never talked about in detail. He now figured that Kakashi must have seen a lot of horrifying things in hospitals already. He knew they were on their way to the psychiatric ward now, but he’d initially thought that Sasuke’d been involved in the same fight as Naruto and was here for that reason. He hated to be wrong about that. Psychiatric ward always meant that it was worse and for Kakashi’s sake he’d simply hoped it wasn’t something that bothersome. Physical injury was likely to heal over time, but he knew it wasn’t the same with mental conditions.

“Yes”, Kakashi answered dryly. He did his best to keep his composure walking down the halls toward that ward he hated so much. It wasn’t his first time having to visit Sasuke in here.  
“Last time he was here, I could’ve sworn I’d never take him home again, Iruka. He’d been so pale and thin, because he wouldn’t eat. They’d taken everything sharp away from him, cut his fingernails, but he’d only started biting himself then and whenever he’d gotten hands on any tool, he’d made a mess that was worse than everything he’d ever done before. I had to convince them with everything I had to just let him go home, because he’d needed to go home so badly. He would’ve died here otherwise, Iruka.” Kakashi’s breath hitched a little at the end.  
“Since then he’s been so afraid to be taken back. I hate to leave him here, but it’s the doctor’s duty to keep him here.”

“What’d he even do?”, Iruka barely dared to ask.

“Cut himself.”

“But isn’t that somehow what he just does?”  
Iruka felt bad for his wording, but that was what it was. He knew that Sasuke had done this for years, so he didn’t see why it’d be a problem just now. It should have been a problem for all those years before, as well, and as far as he knew, Sasuke hadn’t been getting therapy lately.

“He must have gotten carried away today and so he did quite a lot of damage that needed to be fixed. He usually just avoids the hospital, or he would have been hospitalized much sooner. I don’t know what’s gotten into him either, but I guess with such a habit, there’s always some kind of risk. It’s not like anyone would think it is okay to be cutting yourself. It’s just that if you take that vent away from him, he gets so much worse. But as long as he refuses therapy, you can’t force him. There’s just no way this’ll end well. To be honest, I just hope not to see that day, Iruka.”  
Kakashi’s eyes were heavy with what he’d just said. He hated himself for thinking like that, but he knew he somehow had to protect himself from further harm as well. Living with Sasuke as his protégé was like living with a time bomb. He could go off any time and blow up everyone around him, so Kakashi could only selfishly hope that he wasn’t around anymore when that happened, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to take it. One could only take so much. He’d seen far enough death and misery for a lifetime.

Iruka opened his mouth as if to say something and then closed it again like a fish. He simply lacked the words to describe what he felt about this and he couldn’t come up with anything useful either. There were no words in this whole word to diminish Kakashi’s pain, Iruka knew that, because if there were any, he’d have said them long ago and he’d say them over and over.  
“No matter what happens, always remember that I love you no matter what, okay?”

“Thanks”, Kakashi uttered, barely able to compose himself. He wouldn’t burst into tears right now, especially not if he’d have to face his mentally unstable protégé. He’d have to seem strong for him at least. There was no use in all of them breaking down at the same time.

The psychiatric ward was a ward that was more secure than others. You had to ring a bell for them to acknowledge you and register at the reception, so they knew who you’d visit and what wasn’t allowed around them. Although you could probably just sneak in as well, if you dared to.

“Sasuke Uchiha isn’t allowed visitors, Sir, I’m afraid.”  
It came like a punch to his guts.

“And why is that?”, he asked, still friendly, because he knew anger never did the deal. It would only get them thrown out.

“The doctor believes that any visitor might disturb him so much that he might resort to old behavior”, the nurse told him and he did sound genuinely sorry.

“Old behavior? He’s only been here for minutes. Let me at least see him to tell him that myself”, Kakashi pleaded.

“I’m sorry, I really can’t do that. But he’s been informed already.”  
The poor man was doing his best to convince Kakashi that he had to leave without telling him to leave right away.

“When can I visit him then?”  
He was starting to get impatient.

“I don’t know that, the doctor has to decide it. He’s written him in for the next week, though, so I guess, next week at the earliest”, the man told him.

“You can’t be serious. You do realize that he’ll go crazy like that?”  
His voice wasn’t that friendly anymore now and Iruka squeezed his arm in order to remind him to stay calm, when the doctor joined the scene.

“Does there seem to be a problem here?”, he asked in a way that was bound to have you attack him.

“Yes. He tells me I can’t see my protégé whom I’ve just talked to about an hour before, for at least a week”, Kakashi nearly snapped at him.

“Ah, Sasuke Uchiha, right?” He waited for the nurse to nod at him, before he continued. “ Yes, we’ve just taken him to his room and he wasn’t so pleased with the whole situation. After he attacked the nurses and didn’t calm down again he’s been put on medication. He wouldn’t be able to talk to you much now anyway. But I promise you that he’s taken care of as best as possible. For him, I’ve decided that visitors might disrupt his process of getting used to this environment, so-“

“For how long are you planning on keeping him here?”, Kakashi interrupted him.

“Please, this is only for his best. We’ll watch him for one week and see how long he needs to stay. But I suggest to keep him here for a little longer and then move him to ambulant therapy, so he can finally recover”, the doctor finished.

“But last time he was here, he got so much worse. He almost died!”  
Kakashi obviously did his best to keep himself together, but Iruka could feel how tense he was.

“Please, I know this is a tough situation for you, too, but you have to see that during therapy it often gets worse at the beginning, especially with trauma therapy. Repressed memories are brought back up and it may seem like the therapy is what is causing the patient to get worse when really it is necessary in order to get better. In trauma therapy the patient’s past is a major topic, so it is bound to hurt a lot at first, since things are brought back up that had been repressed as a mechanism of self protection. But those things need to be worked on in order for the patient to get better on the long run. Trauma therapy is one of the most common, but also one of the most hurtful therapies we have to do nowadays. Believe me, we’re experienced to only do what is suitable for your protégé and what will make him better on the long run.”  
The doctor really put effort in sounding understanding, but Iruka could see how Kakashi was still upset by every single word he said.

“I see”, Kakashi said with a resigned sigh.

“We’ll make sure to contact you once we’ve decided that having visitors won’t harm him anymore. This was only a decision that was made tonight, but I can assure you that he’ll be taken care of by a team of specialists and that decisions like that will be discussed considering all the information each of us gets from him. This really is only for his best, Mr.-“

“Hatake”, he offered and held out his hand.

“Mr. Hatake. We’ll contact you as soon as there’s news regarding Sasuke’s condition”, he said as he took Kakashi’s hand and shook it.

“Thank you”, he finally said and they left in silence. As if it was really no big deal, but Iruka knew that the silence didn’t mean anything good after all.

“They’ll probably just change that decision tomorrow”, he offered, but Kakashi only gave him a sad look.

“Iruka, I know you mean well, but please don’t. I can’t deal with this right now. Let’s just go home, please.”  
He didn’t have to ask. Home nowadays meant Iruka’s, since Kakashi had basically moved all his clothes and even some furniture there.

“Okay”, Iruka answered and grabbed his hand in order to hold it. At the beginning of their relationship he’d been shy about openly showing it, but he’d soon realized that people talked anyways and most people didn’t even care or notice. But to him it had all been new and he’d simply been afraid that he wouldn’t be accepted anymore if people knew he was with a man. Now he knew how stupid he’d been and how much pain he’d caused Kakashi because of his fears, but it was all okay now.

Once they’d gotten into the car, Kakashi’s head dropped onto the wheel. They’d decided to take his car home and get Iruka’s tomorrow.  
“I don’t know what to do now. Please, tell me what to do, Iruka.”

Iruka had never seen Kakashi like this. He’d seen him sad and angry, sometimes both of them combined, but he’d never seen him that desperate and helpless. It really hurt him, because he wasn’t used to being the strong one and he doubted that he could be strong for Kakashi.  
“I’m so sorry, Kakashi. I’m sure it’ll be alright. They know what they’re doing after all, right? He explained it all to us so well and it made sense, right?”

“Yes, but what if he isn’t strong enough to deal with it? I mean, repressed things aren’t repressed for no reason. There’s always the chance that he’s not strong enough to take this. What will happen then, Iruka? I don’t want to lose him, I can’t lose another person.” He almost got frustrated at how selfish he sounded, but he was far too shaken to be strong right now.  
He wasn’t crying, and at this point Iruka doubted that he ever even cried, but seeing him like this was enough. He didn’t know whether to keep on talking or to shut up, or whether to touch him or leave him alone, so he chose to just sit next to him in silence for a while, until Kakashi sat up and looked completely composed again, although Iruka was sure that he’d just repressed his emotions, because that seemed to be his way of dealing with them usually.

“Don’t do this to yourself”, he said without thinking.

“Hm?”

“Don’t force yourself to be tough. You don’t have to be tough for anyone here. You can allow yourself to be desperate this time, because it really is a shitty situation.”  
Iruka hardly ever cursed, but he figured the circumstances required him to in order for him not to explode.

“But who’s going to be there for you then?”  
Kakashi was way too considerate in this situation, Iruka hated that he obviously made him think he had to be like this.

“You are. Just because you have your own shit to deal with, doesn’t mean you can’t still help me with mine”, he explained as calmly as possible.

“It doesn’t?”  
It had really never occurred to him that there was something between being strong all the time and being weak.

Iruka shook his head no in response.  
“You can still be there for me, but sometimes people just break down from too much stress because they never let it out. I’m not saying you should cry but-“  
He immediately stopped talking when he heard the quiet sobbing and looked over at Kakashi to see actual tears on his face. He was sure he’d probably never see his boyfriend that raw again, so he took in the sight for a moment, before continuing.  
“It’s just important not to bottle up everything, because all those emotions need to be felt after all. That’s what makes us human, that’s what makes us alive, remember? You were the one who told me that in the first place.”

They remained like this for a while before Kakashi wiped away the tears from his face, turned around the key and drove them home. Home. It felt comforting to come home after a day like that.  
“You know, you should sell your flat”, Iruka suggested, because he’d felt the same. This was where he wanted them to be together forever. He didn’t want Kakashi to need an own flat as backup, because he wanted him to know that this was safe. He wasn’t going to leave him and he didn’t want him to call any other place, but this house, his home.

“I should really do that”, Kakashi answered and threw himself at Iruka, almost tackling him into the sofa that was across the room.

“Ow, watch out. There’s quite some space here”, Iruka warned.

“I’m sorry, I tend to forget that”, he said with a chuckle and started kissing the other. Their first nights together had been so wild, so desperate, so needy, but now they were both more tender with each other. The kisses now, though, were deep and demanding. Kakashi sucked on Iruka’s bottom lip.  
“Ngh”, came the quiet moan.

“I really do love you, you know”, Kakashi whispered into his ear as if he’d only realized that now.

“I love you, too.”  
Iruka’s words made Kakashi’s heart feel so much lighter.

“Never leave me alone again, will you?”

“Never”, Iruka promised. He usually hated promising things, because you could never be sure about keeping them. Life took funny turns sometimes. But this was a promise he was sure he could keep.

Kakashi moved his kisses to Iruka’s neck, then stopped in order to rid Iruka of his jacket and shirt only to continue on his chest and down to his belly. He wasn’t as muscular anymore as he’d been when they’d first met, but then again, he himself had quite gotten out of shape as well. That was what happened to most couples, he knew that. You got out of shape as you got older and didn’t feel the need to impress everyone anymore. Now, he only wanted to impress Iruka and he knew that he didn’t need a perfect body in order to do that. Iruka was in love with what other people couldn’t see, because it wasn’t on the outside. Iruka was in love with his soul. Just like Kakashi didn’t care so much about Iruka’s looks anymore, because he simply loved the brunette for who he was beneath the surface: his Iruka.

Hands wandered down to the hem of Iruka’s pants, who now had his hands on Kakashi’s back and ass.  
“We should move this to the bedroom”, he suggested.

“How boring. Why not just stay here?”  
Kakashi had a smirk on his face. He didn’t want their relationship to become one of those boring ones, in which sex was only ever done in bed and was always the same. He just missed the excitement from the beginning sometimes, although he knew it was only natural that it faded. But he didn’t want it gone completely.  
“Remember that one time on my backseat?”, he breathed into Iruka’s ear and then bit the earlobe gently.

“Oh god, yes”, Iruka moaned, probably in answer to both, the question and the biting.

“Let’s do that again sometime”, Kakashi suggested, as he moved down in order to pull down Iruka’s pants along with his boxers.

“That’s not fair, undressing me while staying fully clothed”, the man protested with a pout.

“Oh, my bad”, Kakashi smirked and undressed himself in no time, only to return to what he was doing before. He proceeded to work his tongue on Iruka’s neck, also playing with his teeth, but never too rough, while their bodies were pressing against each other. They both were hard for each other already, but Kakashi loved dragging the foreplay out since he enjoyed making Iruka beg for more.  
After all this time, Iruka was still a little ashamed of his moans of pleasure and begging for more, which was why Kakashi took extra pleasure in making him say his name and plead for him to just take him already. It was a game he’d gotten quite good at, much to Iruka’s displeasure. He was shy and insecure, while Kakashi was the complete opposite; he was outgoing and it seemed like he just had no shame when he screamed during sex. They’d once done it in a cheap motel and when the neighbors had started banging against the wall, Iruka had wished for the floor to just open up beneath them and swallow him on the spot. Kakashi however had only taken it as a challenge to be even louder and to make Iruka moan more.  
Iruka didn’t know how he did it, but just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Kakashi bit the right spot or something about his rhythm changed to drive you crazy. He was amazingly talented in bed Iruka could tell, even though he technically had no one to compare him to, really. Apart from some awkward experimenting as a teenager, Kakashi had been his first male partner. The sex he’d had as a teenager had been nothing but awkward and painful, which was why he’d always thought that he wasn’t into this, until Kakashi had showed him heaven. The only thing that had always bothered him about that fact was that such expertise could only come from experience and it drove him mad to imagine his Kakashi with another man.  
Subconsciously he must have dug his fingernails into Kakashi’s back, because he suddenly moaned softly into his skin.  
“Bit rough tonight, are we?”, the older purred.

Iruka didn’t answer for he was way too embarrassed for dirty talk.  
“Kakashi, please”, he whimpered.

It only had Kakashi chuckle while he rubbed their groins together in order to elicit those sweet, sweet sounds from his lover’s lips he’d longed to hear so badly all day.

“Ng- god-“

“Not quite right, guess again”, Kakashi panted and brought his hand to Iruka’s thigh in order to run his nails up it as he ground into his hips again.  
“Kakashi!”

“Now, that’s better. Just give me a sec”, he told his lover as he got up and disappeared into the bedroom. Iruka made a mental note to place bottles of lube around the house, since Naruto had moved out anyway.

“You’ll be the death of me, Kakashi”, he told him as he returned.

“Heart attack during sex – couldn’t think of a better way to die. Kinda awkward for the other, though, don’t you think?”  
Kakashi chuckled.

“Now get here already!”  
Iruka’s cheeks were blushed, probably partly from arousal and partly because he was ashamed of his longing for Kakashi.

“Getting impatient, aren’t we?”  
The smirk on Kakashi’s face only made it more apparent how much he was enjoying this.

“Come on, don’t turn this into torture”, Iruka pleaded. “Pretty please.”

“You’re always way too polite, you know that? If you want me to fuck you senseless you should just tell me”, Kakashi mocked him.

“Kakashi, please, don’t”, he begged. He didn’t want to say things like that. It felt dirty and he didn’t want to feel dirty.

“Let me help you with that”, he suggested and moved closer to Iruka who hadn’t changed his position on the sofa.  
Kakashi gave Iruka’s erection a gently stroke, having the other cover his face as his hips jerked upwards in order to intensify the touch.  
“I’ll have you begging for me to fuck you soon enough, dear”, he breathed.

“Gods, Kakashi”, he moaned.  
Kakashi opened the bottle and coated his index finger with lube. He used the fact that Iruka still covered his face in order to surprise him by returning his attention to his cock instead of his ass as Iruka would’ve anticipated. The bottle was placed on the table next to the sofa.  
“Ng- please-“

His own erection stood ready for Iruka already as he finally started massaging Iruka’s hole with his slick finger which had the brunette hiss in pleasure.  
“Hurry up- already”, he panted, not sure how to convince Kakashi to stop this torture.

“Now if that isn’t cute. You know exactly what I need to hear, my dear”, Kakashi purred, pushing the tip of his finger inside. The muscle clenched around the intruder at the first contact, but soon relaxed a little as the finger was pushed deeper inside.  
The motion had Iruka moaning and hissing, while Kakashi experimented with the angle a little. His other hand left Iruka’s cock alone as he had to reach for the bottle on the table in order to add a little lube to his fingers, so he could push in another. Then, he returned to work his cock simultaneously. Irkua was sure he’d just come like that if Kakashi didn’t stop right now, but just as he made his way to the edge, Kakashi ceased all movement and removed both his hands from Iruka’s body.

“What the fuck, Kakashi?”, the brunette almost shouted at him.

“Can’t just let you get away like that, sorry”, he told him, obviously amused by Iruka’s curse, and then returned to entering him with his two fingers, which immediately earned him another moan from the man.

“C’mon, ‘kashi”, he whimpered.

“Just tell me what to do, because I really don’t know”, he said in his mocking tone again, scissoring his fingers inside Iruka, then pulling them out a bit while still apart.

“Gods, just fuck me already!”  
That was what he needed to hear to pull out his fingers and coat his own cock with lube.

“As you wish, my dear”, he breathed as he dove into him slowly in order to give him enough time to adjust to his girth.  
Whatever Iruka said or rather moaned after that was lost to Kakashi. He started moving, slowly picking up his pace. Oh, how he’d needed that just now.  
This time, it was a little rough, more like it had been at the beginning of their relationship. Way more lustful and needy than usual.  
Among his own moans he barely picked up on Iruka calling out his name and the brunette moving against him soon brought him to the edge. He screamed out Iruka’s name as he came inside of him, but continued moving to get him off as well. He wasn’t the selfish type, so while they rode out Kakashi’s orgasm, Iruka joined him, spurting his load between their bodies.  
“God, fuck”, Iruka exclaimed, his shame pushed aside by the haze of his orgasm.

“I know, right?”  
Kakashi just loved it when his lover got all vulgar, since he was always so composed in their daily life.

He pulled out, but let himself sink back onto Iruka.  
“Please, stay with me, forever”, he whispered.

“Don’t worry, I will”, he assured him and kissed him tenderly.  
He loved it when Kakashi got all cuddly after sex. They could clean up the mess later, he didn’t care right now. Right now he only cared about the two of them being here together.

“Do you think this’ll all end well?”, Iruka asked, obviously referring to their whole situation, but Kakashi decided to play the fool.

“I’m sure of it. I hope it doesn’t end soon, though. I wish this moment could last forever.”  
Iruka enjoyed being all lovey-dovey, but for Kakashi it was rare, being like that. He usually turned such situations into ridicule, because his past still made it hard for him to just express love, but right now he managed and Iruka would cherish that moment forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it wasn't SasuNaru, please don't kill me. I promise there'll be SasuNaru soon, they're just not in the shape for that, you see. But there's some scenes for the both of them ahead.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but let me explain myself. I had this whole thing written in April, but in May while editing I noticed that it just didn't work like that. This means this chapter was rewritten three fucking times. I finally opted for a time skip, because I figured whatever could have been in between would have been boring as fuck. This left me with a few other issues regarding my plot, especially the following two chapters which I am currently rewriting completely (yay for Camp NaNoWriMo in July!).
> 
> Brace yourselves, there's sex ahead.

They say that time heals all wounds, but oh, do they lie.  
After his stay in the hospital, Naruto returned before Sasuke did. He really had no clue how they’d even made him stay in the first place, but when Sasuke finally returned to campus, the blond began to understand.

 

“Pills? So, that’s it now?”, Naruto snapped at Sasuke the first time he saw him take medication.

The other just looked past him. “They do help, you know.”

“They’re turning you into a zombie, is all they do! That’s why you’re so out of it lately!”  
Somehow to Naruto it had felt like Sasuke’d never really returned from the hospital. If he’d been bad before, he was much worse now. He’d stopped hiding his scars the way he’d done before, which at first Naruto thought was a good thing, but then he realized that with Sasuke it wasn’t a good thing at all. He hadn’t gotten better, he’d just stopped caring. In this state he could very well just jump off some bridge because he didn’t give a fuck anymore and that was the most unsettling thought.

Sasuke sighed. “Look, Naruto, could you please not?”

“Could I not what? Geez, you have no idea how close I am to hitting you”, Naruto growled at the boy.

“You’re way too violent, don’t you think?”

Naruto couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. “Violent? Me?”, he snorted. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not the weirdo who cuts himself open whenever he’s pissed!”  
The blond was well aware of how provoking he was, but he’d never anticipated the fist that connected to his jaw with brute force just then. He hadn’t even thought Sasuke to be capable of it in his state.

“What the fuck, Sasuke?”, Naruto shouted at him while cautiously checking with his hand if his face was still where it was supposed to be. Judging by the pain and the taste of iron on his tongue he’d at the very least split a lip.

The black haired boy gave him a look of sheer disgust.  
“You probably shouldn’t pick a fight if you’re not ready for it, fucker”, he hissed with more disdain than Naruto had ever heard from him. This surely went past their usual fights. This was dead serious.  
“I have no idea why I always held back with you stupid bastard. You’re not worth my restraint.”

“Hey, whoa, maybe we should-“ But Naruto didn’t get to finish before Sasuke flung another fist at him and, this time, hit him in the stomach with enough force to almost make the blond throw up.

“Quit bitchin’”, the Uchiha snarled.

It took the blond a few seconds to catch his breath again before he looked Sasuke in the eyes.  
“You really want us to fight? What for?”  
Maybe he could still reason his friend out of this. At this point, he was just too tired to raise another fist at his friend. They’d fought enough for a life time already.

“It’s you”, the Uchiha said. “Your stupid fucking blue eyes, your loose tongue, the way you just come here, expecting to be welcome… Someone needs to remind you of your place for once.”

“I’ll just go and let you-“

“No”, Sasuke interrupted him and cut off Naruto’s way to the door. The sudden spike of fear in the blond’s eyes only seemed to give him some kind of extra kick like he was a beast with intent to kill.

Silence filled the room, before Naruto swallowed hard and then stammered: “Sasuke, you- you’re scaring me.”

“I know.”

“No, like, really-“ This time a violent sob that escaped him cut him off. At first Naruto couldn’t believe that it had been coming from him, but as soon as the tears started to cascade down his face he had to face the facts; he was hurt because of Sasuke and now he’d made him cry. Worst of all, he was still angry, but there was no way he’d be able to shout at Sasuke like this, so in a desperate attempt, he turned away from the Uchiha.

“Naruto?”

“Fuck off!” Although he really tried, it didn’t come across nearly as aggressive as he’d meant it to be. Not that he’d expected to be sounding intimidating while he was crying like a little baby, but he’d hoped to at least sound somewhat more serious.

A now cautious hand reached out to him, but the touch only made him flinch.  
“Are you crying?”

“Bitch, I might be”, the blond snapped. He figured he might as well just spit it in the Uchiha’s fucking face now that he was wearing his heart on his damned sleeves anyway.  
He couldn’t help but to slap Sasuke’s hand away even though deep down he longed for the touch, but not like that. Just not like that. Instead, he trained his swollen eyes on the other’s face again. The rage in his voice was lost to pathetic sobbing cutting in in between the words, but he still felt the need to scream them at the Uchiha. “Fuck off! I’m not going to be another pity fuck in your collection! I’m not like Sui!”  
He really hadn’t meant to insult Sui, but in his anger he felt it was the truth. The look of surprise on Sasuke’s face along with the absence of a sarcastic comeback only seemed to prove his point.

The silence spoke volumes. It almost hurt in Naruto’s ears like some sort of phantom pain that haunts you when you need it the least.

“I’m pretty sure you’re overreacting”, Sasuke finally said. 

This only made Naruto shake his head and bite his lip as if to restrain himself. “No. That’s not overreacting. It’s just reacting-“, he wept but his voice betrayed him at the end.

“Naruto I-“, the Uchiha began but then paused in order to reach out for Naruto again. “I didn’t mean to cause you this much pain.”

“In that case I hate to inform you that you did anyway”, the blond spat at him but allowed for Sasuke’s hand to caress his cheek, to stubborn to move away from the pain it brought. It only served to remind him of the damage he was constantly allowing Sasuke to do to him like he was the actual masochist of them both. “You don’t put a fucking fist in someone’s face thinking you’re not gonna hurt them.” He’d actually stopped crying for a moment, but the sudden realization reduced him to a sobbing mess all over; this was abuse. It had been from the start and there was no more sugarcoating it. “We can’t go on like this!”

“Wait”, Sasuke spoke up. “Are you breaking up with me? Cause we’re not even seeing each other.”

“See? That’s the fucking point!”, Naruto cried. “Cause we should be when I fucking love you!” The words had left his lips before he could cover his mouth.

The surprise was mutual judging by the wide-eyed look Sasuke gave him.  
“You what?”

Between sobs the blond managed: “Not gonna repeat that.”

The air in the room was suddenly so dense that the noises the blond made ripped through it like a blade through skin. Still, Sasuke found himself immobile. After his hand had fallen from Naruto’s face it hadn’t found its way back onto the body he so desperately wanted to feel beneath his finger tips. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to try again as it felt inappropriate all of a sudden. The blond’s confession hung beneath them, recreating a distance they’d long before closed.  
“Fuck”, Sasuke cursed. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. 

Sasuke cleared the way for Naruto even though he didn’t know why exactly he did it. He didn’t want the blond to leave. Maybe he was just too tired, no, worn out, needed to sit down all of a sudden. It did come as a surprise to him though, when Naruto followed him, and without saying anything more sat down beside him. For a moment, Sasuke considered moving away, somehow giving the blond space he hadn’t even requested, but the thought was lost to him, when a warm body leaned against him. He only realized he’d held his breath when the air demanded to be let out. They’d been so much more intimate before, but this was asking too much of him. He could do sexual, but the emotional part of relationships had never appealed to him. After having his family ripped away from him all those years ago he’d never even considered letting anyone become something like a family to him. With Kakashi it had happened over the course of years, Suigetsu he wouldn’t call family, although they probably were too him, but he wouldn’t admit that, but Naruto was about to sneak in and despite him craving the proximity, he really wanted to push the blond away and not let him invade his life, his heart like that. Invade, was that really what he did anyway? Gods, he hated his own mind often times when it made him so damn defensive. There was no need to be defensive around Naruto after all, so why could he not accept the fact that they’d developed a more profound bond?

“Fuck this”, he finally broke the silence, pushed Naruto away, but only to turn to him and lock eyes with him for a brief moment. Before the blond could ask, Sasuke’s lips were on his. The kiss was oddly cautious, almost like the Uchiha was insecure about it. Although Naruto thought it was cute in a way, cute didn’t suit Sasuke at all.

It wasn’t a long kiss either, yet it was nothing short of intense due to the emotion it carried.  
“I don’t regret getting this close to you, y’know”, the blond said hesitantly, then continued. “I think in life you’re bound to get hurt by people, why shouldn’t we get to choose who’ll hurt us? That’s life, isn’t it?”

“So, dare to get closer?”, Sasuke asked, his usual smirk back on his face, as he pushed Naruto backwards onto the mattress, much more gently than the blond had expected.

“Fuck yes”, Naruto hissed, pulled Sasuke down and pressed his lips on the other’s. The Uchiha immediately demanded entrance with his tongue this time and moved his body even closer to the blond’s.

“You should really tell me to back off, before I won’t be able to stop myself anymore”, Sasuke warned after breaking their kiss.

“What if I don’t want you to back off?”

“Gods, you have no idea what you’re signing up for”, he breathed. “You’ve been driving me mad for weeks now.”

“Same, to be honest”, Naruto replied, equally tense with anticipation.

“Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you, though”, Sasuke hissed, but didn’t give Naruto the opportunity to protest, as he brought their lips together again.  
Naruto was surprised at how gentle the Uchiha could be, but he guessed it was what he liked about him after all. Sasuke could be a good guy at times, just not all the time.  
There was nothing too rough about the way they worked their way out of their pants, seemingly not breaking their kiss even once, even though they did, but it went unnoticed. And there was nothing rough about the way Naruto’s shirt was removed by caring hands and soft tugs.

“Hold on”, the blond breathed at the final tug at his boxers.

“No”, Sasuke said dryly and pulled at it again.

“Okay, but don’t you think it’s kinda unfair that you get to keep that on while I don’t?”, Naruto asked as he pulled at the shirt Sasuke still wore.

“Didn’t mean to irritate you”, the Uchiha joked and took off the shirt and boxers he was still wearing as if to prove a point.

He had surprisingly little shame for someone with a body like that. Naruto thought about how he’d never undress in front of anyeone ever again if he looked like that. Although it didn’t bother him, he knew it was part of the other, but he’d just feel too ashamed about himself. He was almost ashamed of his body right now, even though he’d been naked in front of the other before. But it felt different this time. But as his thoughts drifted more and more towards the scars and bruises, he realized it was probably a means of routine. Another painful reminder that while he’d never had anyone before, Sasuke had given himself to many others before.

“Don’t stare. Staring’s rude”, Sasuke commented, his voice devoid of emotion. Naruto was snapped out of his thoughts by it, wondering how much his look had given away. He hated how the Uchiha seemed to read him like a book sometimes.

“Sorry, I didn’t even realize I was”, he almost whispered.

“Oh, come on. Don’t act like a scolded dog.”  
Sasuke proceeded to caress his cheek.  
“I was joking. You can look as much as you want. I’d be looking, too, I guess.”

“Yeah, probably”, Naruto stammered, but Sasuke soon got the mood back on by kissing him again and letting his hand trail down Naruto’s side.

“I’ve never done this before”, he admitted. He closed his eyes as if it would make him able to hide his shame, but it was to no avail, of course.

“I know. We talked about it before, remember?”  
Indeed they had. It made Naruto wonder if there was still anything they hadn’t talked about. Sasuke was probably the most trustworthy person right now as no one knew more about him-  
“Ahhhh!”  
While his thoughts had trailed off, Sasuke’s hand had, too, and finally reached Naruto’s thigh. The touch was rough, yet arousing, as fingernails scraped his skin lightly. “Hey, don’t lose focus”, Sasuke commanded.

“S-Sorry!”  
He wanted to cover his face in shame, but Sasuke grabbed his wrist in the motion.  
“No need for that”, he told him.

Without a warning he brought their bodies so close that their groins touched.  
“Ng- Don’t-“, Naruto moaned, but Sasuke didn’t listen and, instead, repeated the motion, grinding against the blond once more.  
“Fuck!”

“We’ll be coming to that later”, Sasuke promised, his breath short as well, although he hid his arousal much better than Naruto could.  
The blond would have protested if the Uchiha had not brought their bodies together again and bit his ear lobe. Not so hard that it elicited pain but instead, with their groins touching like that, it sent a wave of pleasure and need for more at the same time through his body.  
Sasuke really knew how to do this, a fact that once again reminded Naruto that he wasn’t his first by far. It was almost embarrassing being inexperienced like that. He could only trust Sasuke to take the wheel. At least that’s what Iruka and Kakashi had told him as well. Kakashi knew pretty well that his little sunshine wasn’t that innocent and therefore, he’d simply told Naruto to let him guide him through it, since judging by the amounts of people he’d seen him come out of his room in the morning with, he must be a pretty skilled one.  
Oh god, that conversation had been so unbearably awkward. Thinking about it only made him blush all over.

Just as he was trailing off, Sasuke bit him again and started sucking at the spot lightly. The response of his body took Naruto by surprise, his cock getting hard between them. As he longed to intensify the contact, he pressed against Sasuke as well.  
“Mh… more”, he moaned unable to stop himself from it.

“You sure?”, Sasuke whispered in that fucking tone that had Naruto turn to wax in his hands.

“Since when do you care so much?”, he managed.

“I care about you in general, is all”, Sasuke breathed into his ear as if to make sure that his words would be heard.

For a second Naruto thought about an adequate answer, but then decided to just remain silent. For Sasuke to admit that he cared about him was equal to him confessing his feelings. He certainly wasn’t going to ruin that moment.

“Still want me to go on?”, Sasuke asked and Naruto only nodded shyly, to which Sasuke got off him and sat down on the mattress next to him. The loss of his warmth already bothered the blond. He didn’t know how he’d ever live another day without the moody bastard around him. Really made him fear for his sanity, but in a good way. That was what love did to you, right? Make you feel like you were losing your mind over one person and not even being afraid of it. If he was honest with himself, he’d felt that way for weeks, if not months. And he’d felt it before. If he was honest with himself, it had only ever been Sasuke. No one else had ever been able to drive him that mad, neither in a bad, nor in a good way.

Sasuke’s hand trailed the outlines of his stomach, down towards his groin, but not quite getting there. Instead, he went for Naruto’s thigh again and stroked it like he had before.  
“Mh- So- What do I do for you?”, the blond breathed.

“It’s okay. You may just enjoy this for now. Don’t worry, it’s fine”, the black haired boy told him while his hand moved closer to his dick.  
Naruto would have protested, had the back of Sasuke’s hand not brushed his dick at that very moment and made him tremble.  
“Damn!”  
Both of their dicks stood erect for each other, but Sasuke knew to take it slow. He wouldn’t overwhelm Naruto. It was his first time after all. He’d had a few first times with people, but he’d never known beforehand, because he’d never cared to ask. And with the others, he’d barely slowed down his pace. He didn’t care about his partners usually, at least not that much. He’d make sure they wouldn’t make him stop, but he’d also make sure to derive as much pleasure from the sex as possible. It had only ever been different with Suigetsu and Naruto. Those two, he’d cared about, no, he still did care about them. 

“Don’t drag this out so much”, the blond complained while the other was still stroking his thigh absent-mindedly. 

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Don’t rush things. You’ll only want me to slow down later on anyway.”  
They always wanted it slow their first time. He tried to remember his own, but he really couldn’t.

“You can’t know that!”

“Alright then, but don’t come complaining to me afterwards, cause I won’t have that”, Sasuke said with a smirk and then went down on him like Naruto would’ve never anticipated.  
Without a warning of any kind, he simply put his lips around Naruto’s cock and took him in deep whilst sucking on it.  
“Oh shit! Fuck! Ng-”, was all the blond could muster while his hands had immediately found their way into Sasuke’s hair and grabbed at it like he had to hold on for dear life.

Sasuke, however, only took that as an implication to repeat the motion, so he moved up and then down again, never stopping to suck on the dick.  
Naruto was by now moaning incoherently, so the Uchiha figured it was okay to take things further. He hated that he’d forgotten to place the lube in reach before, so now he had to get up and get it, therefore leaving Naruto. But there was no way he could have expected that to happen to be honest.  
He dragged the upward motion out as long as he could and after he’d left Naruto’s cock alone, told him: “Need to grab the lube from the closet. Don’t you go running anywhere, alright?”

“Mhm”, was all he could come up with. He couldn’t deny the spike of fear in his mind at Sasuke’s blatant words but even if he’d wanted to leave, his legs felt like jello and he really doubted they’d obey him anymore at this state.  
The Uchiha didn’t take long until he returned with a small bottle and condoms. Iruka had told him it was necessary, but seeing it kind of made Naruto want to back away. So, they’d actually do it now. As the thought settled in, he felt nervousness taking over him for a second. Before he could actually chicken out however, Sasuke resumed what he’d been doing before, leaving the lube and condoms on the mattress next to them.

“Relax, we won’t rush this”, he told him before taking him in his mouth again.

Naruto soon forgot how nervous he’d been while Sasuke sucked him off like that. Instead he was afraid he might just finish like that if the black haired boy kept going, but then he felt Sasuke’s finger stroking the skin behind his balls and he tensed a little. He must have tightened his grip on Sasuke’s hair, because the Uchiha immediately stopped and withdrew his hand, still working on his dick though in order to keep him at it. He only withdrew completely when Naruto eased up again.  
“We can just do it like this if you want”, he told the blond, giving his cock another stroke with his hand to indicate what he meant.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just a little nervous. Just- don’t get distracted by it, okay?”, Naruto mumbled.

“Well, it is kinda distracting if you rip my hair out to be honest. Maybe you could, like, not do that?”

“S-Sorry, I didn’t realize I was”, Naruto stammered. This was exactly as awkward as he’d imagined it to be.

“It’s fine, you dork. Just made me think you wanted me to stop.”  
He reached for the lube next to them and pressed some into his palm, then rubbed his hands together to warm it up a little, before he brought one of his palms around Naruto’s dick again and gave it a light stroke this time, before he picked up the pace.

“Gods, don’t stop!” It was all Naruto could muster as Sasuke worked his erection with unbearable precision. It brought him back into the mood really quick. This time, Naruto tried really hard not to tense up again as Sasuke’s other hand found its way behind his balls and stroked the skin there with slick fingers.  
He remembered to open his eyes because the last time the Uchiha had wanted him to look at him, but when he did so, he only found strain in the other’s face. Sasuke wasn’t looking at him, but only at his crotch and he seemed so focused. It must have taken him a lot to restrain himself. Naruto hadn’t even thought about it.

When one of Sasuke’s fingers finally reached his entrance he couldn’t help but flinch at the touch.  
“Just relax. I promise I’ll make you enjoy this.”  
He now looked at Naruto and gave him an assuring smile. He knew Sasuke would take care of him and make sure that he felt good. There was no reason at all to worry about that, and while falling in love with Sasuke’s smile all over, he was able to relax. As Naruto relished in the moment, the black haired teen pushed one of his fingertips inside.  
The blond’s breath caught and he pressed his eyes shut. It didn’t hurt; it just felt weird, somehow invasive.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are. Fuck.”  
For a moment Naruto wondered if he’d talked without noticing, but he knew for a fact that he hadn’t moved his lips, since they were still pressed shut. It had been Sasuke who’d said it.  
It was enough to make Naruto open his eyes again in order to look at the other stunned, but he soon closed them again as the Uchiha resumed working on his dick. He really knew how to not trail a lover off. He made all the right motions at the exact right time. Naruto figured that was something a girl could never give to him. No matter how good you were at this, you wouldn’t know how it feels unless you could try it on your own body, right?

When Sasuke’s finger pushed deeper inside he didn’t even think it felt weird anymore. He could get used to it. But then the finger brushed one particular spot and it almost had him scream out in sheer pleasure.  
“Sasuke, fuck!”

“Yeah, there we are”, he said and his voice sounded so cheerful, Naruto could’ve just punched him in the face on the spot for it had the bastard not repeated what he’d done before and made him cry out again.  
He didn’t think he was close to coming before, but if Sasuke did that thing again, he feared he might just explode from the overstimulation it caused.

“Fuck-“, Naruto panted.

“I know, right?”  
Sasuke was panting as well. It really must have taken all of his discipline to restrain himself like that.  
He was almost a little hesitant as he pushed in another slick finger. The hand on Naruto’s cock was only doing a sloppy job anymore, as the Uchiha focused so much on what he did with that other hand in order not to rush things. It was almost cute, but also a little offending; he wasn’t fragile after all.  
“God- It’s fine- Just do it already-“, he panted.

It didn’t take Sasuke more to start working the two fingers inside Naruto in a scissoring motion in order to stretch the blond properly.  
The moans he elicited from him only made his own cock twitch in anticipation. Waiting really was the hardest part. He’d never done it that slow before, at least he couldn’t remember.

“You still okay?”, he asked and bit his lip.

“Yeah”, Naruto hissed between short breaths.

“Good”, Sasuke all but panted and pulled his fingers out still apart. He rolled on the condom and coated it with lube way faster than Naruto had thought, so it came as a surprise when Sasuke’s cock already pressed against him. He hadn’t even heard Sasuke opening the package in the haze of his arousal.  
It made him flinch at first, but instead of ignoring it, Sasuke bent down and pressed a kiss to Naruto’s lips, chaste at first and then demanding, reminding them of the sexual tension between them that had surrounded them for the past months.  
When Naruto returned the kiss and started biting at his bottom lip like a needy teenager, Sasuke pressed against him harder, bringing his hand between them in order to guide his cock inside.  
When the tight muscle finally gave way to him, he only pressed in with his tip and then stayed completely still in order for Naruto to adjust. His breath came in short pants by now.  
“Fuck, you’re tight- Just relax a little, okay?”

“But it’s hard. It’s uncomfortable”, Naruto mumbled ashamed of himself for being such a wuss.

Sasuke had placed his hands next to Naruto’s body on the mattress in order to hold up his own weight.  
He leaned down again and gave the blond’s throat a slow lick, kissing his way up to his earlobe, which had Naruto ease up a little again and Sasuke finally started pushing deeper, still focused on kissing him.  
When he pushed in deeper still, Naruto bit down on his shoulder hard. Sasuke couldn’t help the surprised moan that escaped him. The blond clenched around Sasuke’s cock making it hard for him to move, but then he hit that sweet spot from before again and almost sent Naruto over the edge like that.  
From that moment on he didn’t mind the intrusion anymore and could ease around the Uchiha, making him able to move slowly at first and then picking up the pace.  
“Fucking hell”, the Uchiha all but moaned, not even noticing that the Naruto’s teeth were still buried in his shoulder.

As he hit the blond’s prostate once again, he bit down even harder on Sasuke’s shoulder and moaned muffled screams into the abused skin as Sasuke began taking him mercilessly. Or so he thought, for he didn’t know yet that it would get much rougher with Sasuke and this was only like foreplay to their whole relationship.

He soon couldn’t take much more and as he came closer to orgasm, his hands found their way to Sasuke’s back and ass, burying his nails in the skin there as if to hold onto something in order not to fall off the edge that he was getting closer and closer to.  
He finally came after another of Sasuke’s thrusts and when the Uchiha didn’t stop right then and there it almost made him see stars. He’d never had an orgasm like that before. His eyes were clenched shut and wherever parts of him touched Sasuke he was sure he’d leave bruises, because he was holding on so tightly. But Sasuke didn’t even seem to notice in his own haze, or at least he didn’t care. He came shortly after Naruto and cried out so unrestrained, the blond thought it was the most amazing sound he’d ever heard; and it was him who’d made him sound like that. He’d made Sasuke let go off whatever was usually holding him back and it would have gotten him ready for another go just hearing it if he hadn’t just finished and really needed to catch his breath now.  
Sasuke though didn’t drag out his orgasm like he had Naruto’s and just pulled out like he’d finished some sort of business. The blond hadn’t expected him to snap out of it again that fast.  
The mask of indifference Sasuke wore ever so often was back on his face the moment he’d taken off the condom and got up to throw it away.

“This is when they usually leave”, he said more to himself than to Naruto. “You’re staying, right?”

“Yes”, he answered shortly and it was the only thing Sasuke needed to hear in order to come back to bed and lay down beside him.  
Silence fell among them, but sometimes it took silence in order not to ruin a moment like this. Words were what made things complimented in the first place. Words held enough power to cause wars and mayhem. Words had way too often ruined what was between them; none of them was willing to take that risk right once again.  
Sasuke didn’t pull back, when Naruto moved closer, he even let Naruto rest his head on his shoulder and it was the way he softly caressed the blond’s cheek that made Naruto forget their fucked up relationship just for the moment.  
He was pretty sure that what he felt was love, but he wouldn’t have dared say those three words to Sasuke again.  
Funny how actually meaning it makes you want to hold it in until the right moment, while he’d carelessly said those words to Sakura before like it was nothing. While Sasuke was bringing out the worst in him, he also made him realize a lot of things about himself. Although he really didn’t want to get hurt, he was drawn to the moody bastard like a moth to the flame. But if he was bound to get hurt already, he figured he might as well enjoy the beauty of the wild fire that was the Uchiha.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I'm so sorry. This chapter has been rewritten at least two times entirely and I'm starting to get really worked up because of it. So many words have gone to waste, it's ridiculous. Anyways, here's chapter 11!

“Party at Kiba’s tonight, pass it on!“  
Naruto barely had time to register it was Choji who’d yelled at him before he was gone again already.

“Geez, way to invite someone”, he sighed to himself as he continued his way to the cafeteria.

“You throwin’ a party tonight?”, he greeted Kiba who was already sat at one of the bigger tables.

“Hell yeah! My parents are out of town and I figured it would be nice to have some friends over.”

“Yeah, like your parties are ever anything compared to ‘having friends over’. This calls for complete destruction and you know it. By the way, where’s everyone? We two having a lunch date today or something?”  
The blond elbowed his friend in the shoulder.

“Tsk”, Kiba huffed. “As if I’d ever go on a date with you. I got standards, you know.”

“What kinda standards would a dog like you have?”, a voice spoke from behind them.

“Dude! Don’t creep up on us like that!”  
Kiba jumped up, facing the intruder. “And who are you calling a dog here? Imma show you!”

“Chill, Kiba”, Naruto sighed, as he held the brunette down by the shoulders. “He’s not worth it.”  
It was merely said by reflex, before he realized what he’d just said.

“Not worth it, huh? I caught a different vibe last night, though.”

“Sasuke”, Naruto hissed and Kiba went still for a moment before he looked between the two with the widest grin ever.

“Oh boy, the two of you? Awesome! Why didn’t you tell me? I gotta tell everyone!”  
He cried out so loud, a lot of heads were now turned at them.

“Shhhh, keep it down, you idiot!”

Sasuke was visibly enjoying Naruto’s misery as he turned to sit next to the blond who was still half standing, with his hands on Kiba’s shoulders.  
“Just sit down, moron. You’re the only one attracting attention here”, the Uchiha said.

“So, you two coming tonight?”

“I do hope so”, Sasuke answered with the dirtiest smirk on his face and made Naruto wish for the floor to just open up beneath them and swallow him whole, so he wouldn’t have to endure more of this embarrassment.

“Oh god, he looks like his face’s gonna burst”, Kiba cried out in laughter.

It’s not like he wouldn’t have told Kiba, just not like that. But in the end it would most likely not have changed a single thing. That was just what Kiba was like, he was loud and nosy; and that was what Naruto usually liked about him. The guy was always in a good mood, nothing could really bring him down. With people like him in your life it was just so much more fun.  
His mind returned to the topic though when he saw Kiba typing on his phone.  
“What are you doing there?”

“Textin’”, came the short answer.

“You’re not gonna-“

“Totally not, you know I would never expose you like that.”

“You already have, eh?”

“Yup.”

Bless Sasuke’s reflexes, Naruto wasn’t on Kiba the next second.

“Let go of me, I’ll kill him!”

“Ahahah, and you were telling me to chill just minutes ago, look at you!”  
This was all just a big game to the brunette and that only made Naruto angrier at him.

He was going to get back at him at the party tonight.  
“I swear to god, Kiba, this is not gonna end well for you! You got no idea what you got yourself into!”  
But no matter how much he threatened him, Sasuke kept holding him back while Kiba just had the time of his life. The scene that was presented to the others when they arrived was near inexplicable.

“Yo, not to interrupt you, but everything alright here?”, Shikamaru asked, obviously annoyed by the ruckus he’d walked into.

“Yeah man, Naruto’s just throwin’ a fit ‘cause I’ve told Hinata and the others that he was Sasuke’s new bitch.”

“Is that so?”  
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Sasuke.

“I never called him a bitch, though.”

“Actually… But that’s not even the point! Oh my god, let go of me already, so I can tear that motherfucker apart”, Naruto yelled wildly.

“Geez, this is troublesome. We’re in the cafeteria after all, Naruto”, Shikamaru noted with a roll of his eyes.

“Do I look like I fucking care?”

“Sadly not, no”, Shino chimed in. “We should maybe just get another table.”

“Come on, guys, he’ll calm down eventually”, Kiba told them, still laughing though, while Naruto had started kicking him under the table.

“Calm down already, you can settle this later”, Sasuke finally said in such a calm tone, it even impressed the blond.

“Okay, okay, but no more texting, aight?”

“Not like I have to anymore. Once the message’s spread, it makes its way around campus itself”, he answered almost arrogantly.

“Plus, Sasuke holding you in the cafeteria with everyone staring at you doesn’t really help either”, Shino noted.

“I fucking hate you all! Let go of me!”  
He pushed Sasuke off and starting pouting.

“So, he’s the bitch after all?”, Shino remarked jokingly.

“You can’t just fucking leave it at that, can you?”, Naruto snarled, visibly offended by the words now.

“Ah, come on, it’s not like we really mean it. You know what we’re like after all”, Kiba tried to calm him down again but it was to no avail.

“Yeah… I’ll see you tonight, then”, the blond just said and got up to leave which had Sasuke following him almost immediately. Not in order to stop him but not to leave him alone when he was this upset.

“Naruto, wait”, he called after him but still went to follow him as he knew Naruto wouldn’t stop.

When they finally arrived at his room the blond struggled to get his key into the lock, but when he couldn’t do it, he turned around to face the Uchiha.  
“You couldn’t just leave it, right? Is this all a joke to you? Am I nothing like a joke to you?”

“Naruto… That’s not it. You know it’s not.”

“Oh, really? Cause I don’t know how I’m supposed to know if you never show me.”  
He’d grown so damn emotional over the course of the past few weeks, but it was just so much that had been piling up. He couldn’t hold it back any longer.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like that”, Sasuke said as he stepped closer. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice how bad you felt.”  
All of a sudden, he cupped Naruto’s face with both of his hands and kissed him softly.

He wanted to push him away at first, but Sasuke didn’t let him and pushed him against the door; not rough though.  
His tongue was pushing against Naruto’s lips and he let it in, gave himself to Sasuke like he’d done the night before; and in that moment, he felt he’d do this forever because it felt so right.  
He didn’t feel fragile anymore, or like a joke, he just felt loved. Their kiss had nothing sexual to it and it didn’t feel like Sasuke wanted to go anywhere with it, he just wanted to kiss Naruto, and that was the best feeling he’d had in weeks, probably months. Sasuke wasn’t doing this to get into his pants, or at least for the first time, he managed to make Naruto feel he wasn’t.

When Sasuke broke their kiss again, he didn’t just stop at that, but added: “Don’t you dare think like that again and not tell me, because if you ever feel like I don’t take you seriously, I need to work on it. You’re not just a joke to me or anything, don’t you dare ever think that again and not tell me.”  
He pulled their foreheads together.  
“You bring out the best in me and I’m not gonna make you feel bad about it. You heard me?”

Unable to come up with any words that made sense, Naruto just nodded slightly, careful not to break the contact between them. He’d never seen Sasuke that pure, although he’d been sure he’d seen him in the most emotional state possible before, but this, this felt different.

“Good, then let’s go inside and prepare for Kiba’s party, what do you say?”

“Yeah, we should do that”, the blond said, still dumbfounded. He wasn’t sure this would ever go away again, because damn, the Uchiha could be stunning at times.  
He only noticed how far off his thoughts had trailed again when he felt Sasuke’s hand on his as the other took the key from him.  
“Sorry, I figured it’d be faster if I just did this for you.”

“Fuck, you always do it for me”, he almost moaned at their closeness. Although he’d appreciated Sasuke not making this sexual, the air was beginning to boil around him. Hormones could be such a drag, Shikamaru had once told him and he’d been oh so right. He hated feeling like this, but at the same time it felt amazing, it made him feel alive.

“Are you alright?”, Sasuke asked while he’d already opened the door and was waiting for Naruto to come inside with him.

“No- I mean yes, yes!”

“Okay, so… you coming inside or nah?”

“Uh-huh”, he barely managed as his face lit up like it was Christmas.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you coming down with a fever?”  
He sounded so concerned, it made Naruto melt away. He then pulled him close in order to shut the door behind them and proceeded to hold his hand against Naruto’s forehead.  
Gods, he obviously didn’t know what he was doing to him there.

“No, I’m alright, I swear”, the blond almost stammered.

“But you feel insanely hot”, Sasuke protested.

“So do you.”  
Blunt but useful. Now Sasuke knew exactly what Naruto was talking and that was a language he understood better than most people.

“You could have just told me this is about sex, you know?”  
He was so open about this it once again made Naruto realize how much of a fucking virgin he was, even though he technically wasn’t a virgin anymore.

“You don’t just talk about these things!”  
His face turned even redder.

“So, you’re more the ‘do and don’t talk’ type? I can dig that!”

“That’s not what I-“  
But before he could finish, Sasuke’s lips were on his again, this time wild and demanding.  
He’d never imagined him to taste this sweet, but it was most likely to all the coke he was drinking. He wasn’t into sweet things otherwise at all and that, Naruto knew for a fact. Sasuke never ate any sweets, not even chocolate. Such a boring guy.

Before his thoughts could trail off any further, he kissed Sasuke back forcefully, needy as he was. He wanted Sasuke all over him again, just everywhere. He’d loved before, or so he’d thought but it had never felt quite this way. Sasuke was special, always so fucking special, and he was captivating.  
“You make me go mad”, he hissed between sloppy kisses.

“I was mad before but you drive me downright insane”, Sasuke groaned. “In a good way.”

“I love you”, the blond almost whispered.

“I love you, too.”  
As if to cover the fact that he said it, he quickly proceeded to trail Naruto’s sides with his hands, down to his hips and then moved one to the front of his pants in order to undo it.

“I won’t fuck you again, trust me, you won’t like that. Let me just do you a favor.”  
When Naruto was about to protest, Sasuke pulled down his pants and boxer shorts and gave his cock a slow lick.

“Oh fuck-”

When Sasuke repeated the motion Naruto thought he was going to go crazy. He placed one of his hands in the raven hair, giving him the illusion that it was himself who was controlling the Uchiha’s movements.  
“So hot”, he moaned, as Sasuke took him in deeply. Oh boy, nobody could have prepared Naruto for the fact that Sasuke could deep throat. It caught him so off-guard he nearly came on the spot.

The Uchiha didn’t dare say a thing but muffle moans against Naruto’s groin. Was he getting off on this as well?  
If his mind hadn’t been so caught up in the blow job he would have considered it lewd.

“Oh god, fuck, not gonna last long”, he warned between lustful groans as he tightened his grip on Sasuke’s hair and began thrusting inside his throat, which barely seemed to bother him. Had he known how awesome the boy could give head, he’d tried this much sooner.

“Fuck’s sake- Ah-“  
Not that he made any sense anymore, but he couldn’t keep quiet either. This was probably the best feeling in the world.

When he finally came, he came so hard he almost felt bad about it. Just the fact that Sasuke didn’t seem to be bothered at all and simply started swallowing around him made him push that thought aside again as there was no way he could still concentrate on any coherent thinking anyways.  
“Fuck”, he cried out at the intensity of his orgasm and then collapsed against the wall as if he’d been pushed.

“Holy shit, I didn’t know- Fucking hell-“  
Still nothing coherent coming from Naruto, Sasuke finally pulled back and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

“You are incredibly hot when you come”, he commented, getting back up and leaning against the blond as if in an awkward attempt to hug him.  
“You don’t know how much you tempt me.”  
His breath was hot against Naruto’s neck with Sasuke’s face tilted downwards. It came closer with each breath the Uchiha took, until finally, his lips were on the blond’s skin. Then his teeth. Then his tongue. It would have had Naruto hard again immediately if he hadn’t just finished.

The air in the room just wouldn’t cool down, as Sasuke continued to bite and lick his way along his neck.  
“You have no idea what you do to me, blondie”, he almost growled against the skin. Something about his movements was primal. Just like when he was really angry, it seemed like some beast had taken over him. It was just that this time, Naruto wouldn’t feel any fear. Instead it only had him more excited. He still hadn’t pulled his pants back up and he really couldn’t be bothered.

“Kneel”, came the muffled command against his throat.

“Mh?”

Before he could even give Sasuke a puzzled look, firm hands pressed him down by the shoulders.  
“On your fucking knees. It’s my turn.”

Although he’d used force, it wasn’t like Naruto wouldn’t have obeyed him otherwise. But Sasuke pushing him down without even asking had another wave of excitement rushing through him. He only figured this was what doing drugs felt like, but if it really was, he could now understand why people did them. Sasuke had become the most powerful drug for him and there was no way he could see himself quitting him.

“Take off my pants!”  
His tone had grown harsher. God, how Naruto enjoyed this little game. Not that he’d ever figured he was into such things, but ever since he’d started getting closer to Sasuke he could have guessed, because after all, the Uchiha was quite a bossy guy in general.  
“Hey! Don’t trail off like that!”

“S-Sorry”, he stuttered and proceeded to undo Sasuke’s pants. They’d already tightened under the strain of his erection pressing against them, so it must have come as some sort of release when Naruto had finally freed Sasuke of them and pulled them down just enough so that his dick could spring free.

“You’re so hard already”, escaped the blond.

“Watching you moan and squirm doesn’t leave me unaffected, Naruto.”  
His voice was deep, almost husky as he said it.  
“Now get going before I lose control!”

“So impatient”, Naruto teased him and gave his cock a slow stroke with his hand. “You have no manners at all, eh?”

“Don’t be such a tease, come on”, Sasuke almost whined, breaking his role as the one in control of the situation.

Naruto just sighed and then went down on him. Thinking about what Sasuke had done for him, he tried to take him in deep as well, just to find out that he simply couldn’t. There was no way in hell this was physically possible, and it frustrated him to no end because that feeling had been so intense.  
He almost flinched when a soft hand caressed his cheek.  
“You don’t have to push yourself like that. It’s not about the depth.”

Naruto never would have thought that Sasuke could be so caring. He’d barely seen him anything else but ruthless and arrogant, but this side of him was probably what had drawn him in to begin with. You don’t just fall in love with an asshole if you’re not totally messed up, there’s got to be something good to them somehow, and this was what was good about Sasuke. He could be caring and protective if need be. And he was loyal, even though one couldn’t tell if they didn’t really know him.

“Hey, don’t space out on me like that!”

He should really stop daydreaming so much. It had become such a bad habit these days, he thought to himself and focused on the task at hand again.  
Instead of aiming for taking Sasuke deep again, he proceeded to play with his tongue around the tip which immediately earned him a satisfied groan from the other.  
When he started to increase the suction, Sasuke threw his had back and began clawing his hands into Naruto’s blond hair, but not fierce enough to hurt him.  
For a change, Naruto gripped Sasuke’s hips tightly with both of his hands and held him in place forcefully. Not that he’d really had to, but he knew that the Uchiha enjoyed a little power play, which he made evident by yanking on the blond’s hair. Still not enough to really hurt, but enough to be a warning to him. “Don’t push me, this is not a fight you’d win”, he growled lustridden.

Sasuke’s whole body tensed as he came. He didn’t cry out like Naruto had, but it didn’t look much like he was restraining himself either. He just wasn’t the kind of screamer the blond obviously was.

 

They’d managed to take a shower and look decent again before they went to Kiba’s party, still everyone gave them the ‘I know what you’ve just done’-look, at least that was what Naruto interpreted the stares as, when he and Sasuke arrived together. Sasuke was visibly enjoying this like Naruto was some kind of trophy. Well, maybe he was to Sasuke, but he just couldn’t see it himself. He, on the contrary, hated it being so public. He didn’t even know why, because he’d never had a problem with hitting on Sakura in public. Was it really because he was afraid what people might think? He wondered why, though because all of his friends were open minded and he’d known that beforehand. No one here would judge them, they weren’t in the 80’s. Homophobia wasn’t that wide spread anymore, if he forgot about Sasori for a minute there. Maybe it was because he’d never pictured himself being with a man, maybe it was because this was Sasuke, but it just felt strangely inappropriate.

“Too bad that fine piece of ass is not on the market anymore”, Kiba greeted Naruto by pinching his ass. Talking about inappropriate.  
But he also knew Kiba had lied to him in the cafeteria. He would have dated him, Kiba had never been too shy about his feelings, and if he was totally honest, Naruto had had to turn him down on more than one occasion already. It wasn’t that Naruto was Kiba’s only interest, but he was certainly one of them and the brunette wasn’t too picky about who he hit on either, though everyone knew he secretly only wanted to get into Hinata’s pants. A lot of guys did, to be honest.

When Naruto decided to go with Kiba, Sasuke went to find Shikamaru. They’d never really stuck together at a party before, so why should they now? The Uchiha didn’t even drink, he didn’t need to be around Naruto when he got hammered. And Naruto didn’t need to chill with the pot heads. Not that he judged them, it just wasn’t his kinda thing, he figured. He’d never tried smoking weed before, though. The opportunity had never arisen.

The party was awesome, just like all of Kiba’s parties were and they ended up in the backyard, playing flunky ball. By now, all of them were already far too drunk to still have good aim, so when someone actually hit, it was more of a coincidence but still, it was fun. Just when Naruto managed to knock over Kiba’s can earning the brunette a penalty beer, thus deciding the match for his team if nothing more went wrong, things got messy. Kiba abandoned his position only to tackle Naruto into the floor.  
They were both giggling like children when they got back up and the brunette started chasing Naruto through the whole backyard.

Of course, they ended up wrestling on the floor, still a giggling mess. The alcohol had surely taken their toll on them and they didn’t even notice when Sasuke joined the scene.  
“What are you doing on the floor?”

“Fucker spilled my beer, I’m showin’ him”, Kiba slurred.

Sasuke simply shoved the brunette off Naruto and added: “If you’d mind.”  
Then he turned to the blond mess on the floor, who was still giggling and rolled his eyes. “Let’s go.”

“Ow”, Kiba whined.

“But we’re having so much fuuuun.”

“Yeah, I saw that.” He held out his hand. “Let’s go now.”

“You’re such a spoilsport”, Naruto pouted.

“That’s what they say, yeah.”  
His answer was dry, but Naruto was oblivious in his current state.

He almost dragged Naruto back to his room since the blonde was so drunk off his ass, he stopped almost every minute because he wanted to go back and have some more fun.

“Oh, we can have a lot of fun alone, you know?”, Sasuke remarked sarcastically. The main reason he didn’t drink was because he hated drunk people. He just couldn’t deal with this childish behavior, it simply annoyed him. That was why he always stuck with Suigetsu and Shikamaru, they weren’t like that, and at least Shikamaru definitely shared his thoughts on drunk people.

“Let’s get you to bed, you giant-ass baby”, he sighed, dragging the blond the last few steps.

“But I don’t wanna go to bed alone”, Naruto slurred and let himself fall into Sasuke’s arms which would have earned him a shove if Sasuke wasn’t so sure that he’d fall over if he did that now. What on earth made people want to be like this? He really couldn’t see why anyone would drink so much. It wasn’t anything more than pitiful. The worst was how helpless people were in this state. He remembered the last time he’d carried Naruto home and it had been good that Suigetsu had been there to stop him from doing something dumb, because the blond had been so fucking helpless, he’d almost lost control on the spot. He’d wanted him for months at least. Not like that, but if tempted enough, anyone would snap. At least that was what he kept telling himself in order not to hate himself too much for it.

But in this moment with Naruto not really in the same reality as he was, he wished for nothing more than someone to talk to. He felt so alone although he wasn’t, and it reminded him of the way he often felt; alone with people around. It was the worst feeling ever, because rationally you knew there were others, but you just didn’t feel like you could connect with them.  
He decided not to stay with Naruto tonight; this wasn’t going to work out.

“Come to bed with me”, the blond slurred after Sasuke had somehow managed to find the key in his pocket, albeit him thinking he was playing capture the flag with him.

“Will you please just let me unlock the door first?”, he hissed at the drunkard.

At that, Naruto pouted, or at least he tried, and said, in the most childish tone ever: “You’re no fun, Sasukeeeee.”

“I really don’t care.”

While Naruto still pouted at him, he finally managed to unlock the door and get them both inside. Naruto immediately stumbled towards his bed and almost fell face first onto the mattress when vertigo got the better of him. Sasuke managed to stop his fall, though, helped him get rid of his clothes because he nearly suffocated himself in the attempt of taking his shirt off, and placed him in his bed. At first, Naruto still begged for him to join him under the blanket, but Sasuke really couldn’t see himself in that situation right now. He wanted nothing more but to finally get away, so he was relieved when the blond fell asleep not shortly after, the alcohol finally winning over him.  
He would be so hungover the next morning, Sasuke considered leaving the city for a day or two, he really didn’t need a whiny boyfriend who even put himself in that situation to begin with.

When he closed the door behind him as he left, he got his phone out of his pocket and send a text. It buzzed almost immediately with the reply and made him go to the only place that seemed worth going at the moment. He wasn’t going to his room on his own when he felt alone and miserable, he wasn’t that dumb.

 

“Come in”, Sui called from inside the door. “It’s not locked.”

“You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked at night, you know”, Sasuke said as he stepped in and closed it behind him.

“Then lock it for me, would you?”  
He caught the key mid-air and did as he was told before he walked over to the bed, letting himself fall onto the mattress like it wasn’t a big deal. But he’d been here thousand times and more, the room was basically like his own, only without all the misery and loneliness inside it.

“So, tonight’s not safe?”  
Sui stood up in order to get rid of the clothes and the fake breasts for the day.

“Shut up.”

“You didn’t come here because you wanted me to shut up. What’s wrong?”  
Sasuke couldn’t understand why he always tried to change himself into another person, except that deep down he did, since he hated himself so much, he was literally destroying his own body because of it. But Suigetsu’s body was fine. He had a few scars here and there – called them battle scars – but nothing too severe. He wasn’t too muscular, but he could have been if he went to the gym. He was almost skinny for a guy even, for a girl he obviously lacked body fat. He was such a pretty boy, it almost made Sasuke forget why he’d let him get away in the first place.

“Do you believe in parallel universes?”

“Why?”  
Suigetsu gave him a puzzled look for a second, but then continued to change into a loose shirt and changed his ear rings into smaller ones that didn’t hang down. There was almost no trace of Sui left anymore. Sasuke preferred Suigetsu anyhow. He was beautiful, he was perfect, there was nothing he’d change about him, except for his poor mental state that prevented him from seeing in the mirror what Sasuke saw in him. If he could, only for one day, make Suigetsu see himself with his eyes, it would probably change the boy’s life entirely. All the flaws he saw in himself, Sasuke didn’t see, or he didn’t care at least, because no one was to be flawless in his opinion.

When Suigetsu sat down next to him, only dressed in boxer shorts, old feelings returned. He felt so damn lonely tonight he couldn’t stand it, so he did the only thing that came to his mind in order to get rid of the feeling. He placed his head on the other’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

“Let’s not do this tonight”, Suigetsu whispered but clearly couldn’t work up the strength to push him away. Sasuke knew about the effect he had on him and he made use of it. It probably wasn’t right, but it sure as hell didn’t feel wrong tonight.

“I should have never let you go, you know”, the Uchiha told him. He was a master of sweet words when he wanted something. Suigetsu knew this, but it still had him weak.  
“You will forever be the one that got away.”

“And you are high as a kite and, therefore talking nonsense.”

“I’m not, I’m meaning this. I wish we would have met at a different time of our lives. We could have been great.”

Suigetsu sighed deeply. “Just stop already, please. It’s always the same with you. You only ever come to me when you’re lonely.”

“But you’re lonely, too. Why shouldn’t we help each other out? Humans aren’t made to be alone.”  
When Suigetsu still didn’t move away, Sasuke proceeded to kiss his neck, like it was okay to be kissing him, like he was doing this out of affection and not desperation.

Suigetsu let out an involuntary breath. He hated to admit the effect Sasuke was having on him. He’d run after him for years, of course this was turning him on. Fuck, the Uchiha barely had to touch him and he was ready for him. He didn’t know better but to call it love, when it was most likely obsession. There had never been anyone else he’d had feelings for. He’d had sex with many, but none of them had really touched his heart.

Sasuke was right, Suigetsu was just as lonely, only that it was a feeling that stuck with him all the time. He had no one but Sasuke who’d only ever come to him when no one else was available. There was Shikamaru, but he wasn’t much of a feeling kind of guy. They had sex when the opportunity arose, but none of them really made a big deal out of it, no feelings involved. Suigetsu was sure, no one even knew about them because he was sure no one could tell, even if they saw them together. Although it almost hurt him that not even Sasuke had seen it when he spent time with them. Or worse, maybe he’d seen it but he just really didn’t care.

“You think too much”, the Uchiha remarked, his lips still on the pale skin.

“Maybe it’s you who doesn’t think enough”, Suigetsu replied, not that it mattered. Sasuke simply continued whatever it was he was doing. He gently pushed him down and got on top of him, although he made sure to rest his weight on his knees and not Suigetsu.

“How come you always go home alone lately?”

Suigetsu wanted to protest, tell him that he didn’t, but sent Shikamaru away the moment his text arrived, but he chose not to. What difference would it make?  
It would really make all the difference, because it would confirm just how much power the Uchiha still had over him.  
“Why do we always end up like this?”, he asked back, not that he expected a useful answer anyways. Sasuke was a prick and he always would be. Too bad that he was head over heels for him.  
“Why do you always do this to me?”

“Because you let me.”  
Touché.  
He wasn’t some cheap fuck toy and he hated being treated like one but he had to admit that Sasuke had a point. He never really said no. He never really pushed him away, because he didn’t have the strength to do that, but he just wished Sasuke would stop taking advantage of him, as much as he wished he’d never stop, because he didn’t want to lose him either. Sasuke would inevitably leave him if he wasn’t fun anymore. That’s what he came to him for in the first place. He wished he could deny him, but his heart wouldn’t let him. Right now, his room felt like a prison he’d built for himself and forgot to leave the door open so he could get out.

“Just be gentle, will you?”, he asked for whatever reason.

“What?”

“Just… nevermind.”  
Their sex was always rough, mainly because Suigetsu knew that was what Sasuke needed. He was so numb, whatever he felt had to be extreme to even be registered by him. And he never bottomed.  
It was a rule. They had spoken about it, but it was something the Uchiha simply refused. He wouldn’t even let him try it. Probably was about power in the end, because it was always power play with Sasuke when it came down to it.

“You know that’s my shirt you’re wearing there?”, Sasuke asked as he tugged on it and pushed it up to reveal the pale skin underneath it. “I should take this back from you.”  
He proceeded to take the shirt off Suigestu, just like he’d done with Naruto barely an hour before, but he couldn’t bring himself to think about that too much. It would only ruin this moment.  
“Have you lost weight?”

“I don’t know. I never weigh myself.”  
It was a lie and Sasuke definitely caught it, but didn’t say anything about it. He wasn’t going to save Suigetsu. Not tonight. Not ever. All he could really do was have his way with the boy and then leave again. Just as he always did.

He really tried not to make it mechanic as he removed his clothes and watched Suigetsu take off his boxers, but with all the times they’d done this, it wouldn’t quite work.

He knew exactly where to find lube and condoms in Suigetsu’s room and there was nothing about the boy’s stare on his body that still bothered him after all this time. He was surprised though when he only found one condom in the drawer where he usually kept a few.  
“Got yourself a new friend I don’t know?”

He wasn’t going to let Sasuke have this conversation. He wasn’t going to let Sasuke play him again.  
“Oh, you do know him.”

“Is that so?”  
Nothing. He didn’t even want to know who it was. Suigetsu was almost disappointed at his disinterest, but what had he expected of someone who had no feelings for him at all?

Without further ado, Sasuke got back onto the bed where Suigetsu had already made himself comfortable. He wasn’t going to let Sasuke fuck him on the edge of the bed tonight only to have a sore back in the morning.

Since he wasn’t too abstinent it didn’t take Sasuke long to prepare him, not that he’d even have bothered. Their sex itself didn’t last long. It was short and intense with both of them coming, although it wasn’t quite the vent Sasuke had hoped for.

They fell asleep, still tangled up in each other, none of them quite wanting to let the other go and refusing to acknowledge the fact that they’d have to in the morning and that they’d have to forget what happened between them that night. Technically, Sasuke was with Naruto now, there was no more fucking around with Suigetsu but it just didn’t work out for him. Naruto wouldn’t always be there for him. No relationship did that. Relationship didn’t mean that you held possessive rights over the other and that, he had to accept although he wasn’t sure if he ever could.  
He’d never chosen a life like that, technically he hadn’t even chosen life in general, he was only still here because he never had the guts to end it all. It wasn’t the same for Suigetsu. Deep and long scars on his arm, exactly one on each side told the story of a life that had been about to end, but didn’t because he was found on time. He’d never cut himself before like Sasuke, he’d never slowly crossed that sacred line of cutting too deep, no. He’d gone all out that one time and showed no mercy with himself. That was what being suicidal really meant, wanting to end it so badly, you just did. Sasuke was sure Suigetsu hadn’t even flinched when he did it. The boy could take pain like no one else could and he hardly ever said a word. It didn’t fit his sensitive personality at all.  
Sasuke remembered exactly how he thought he’d lost Suigetsu and how he’d cursed him for wanting to take the easy way out. In the end, that experience was what had kept him from really trying it himself. He didn’t have the heart to do this to Kakashi.  
As long as his will was still strong enough, he wouldn’t let himself seek the easy way out. The only issue with that was that his mind didn’t quite work that way. On bad days he’d still easily cross that line. He’d overdose without even thinking about it and if he were to die, there wouldn’t even be a note, because he’d never thought to leave one.  
Suigetsu had, and to this day, Sasuke still had it. He should have thrown it away, maybe burnt it, for it held all of Suigetsu’s deepest secrets and feelings. He’d told him everything in that letter, and it was the testimony of a failed life. Suigetsu’s youth died when he was first raped by his own father. He said he would have killed himself back then already had he known that it wouldn’t be the only time. He’d been only five, victim to his parent’s abuse for presumably his whole life, only to have his world crushed entirely. He began to isolate himself, stopped bringing friends over because he didn’t want anything to happen to them, and then he stopped having friends altogether.  
But his father never stopped and his mother never intervened until he finally ran away at 13.  
Sasuke knew for himself that a life that has never quite been lived wasn’t to be restored like that. He fought that same fight, although he had to admit he’d never thought it to be this bad with Suigetsu really. He’d never told him everything, until Sasuke had found his note. It made him feel conflicted between being glad that Suigetsu was still around, and feeling sorry for him still having to keep on living this terrible life of continuing horror. God knows, the boy still woke up at night screaming at the top of his lungs.

That was mostly why Sasuke had never been able to have a relationship with him. Suigetsu was broken, definitely broken beyond repair. There was no way they would ever work out, because if Sasuke was numb, Suigetsu was dead inside. Some days there was just nothing to him. He’d just be there like a lifeless shell, unable to do so much as talk to anyone. He would function, but only because he had to. When his suicide attempt had failed, there’d been others, two that he knew of, but it had never worked. His body had been poisoned, cut open and tortured in endless ways when he’d finally decided to just stop trying. Although it was sad that he only stopped, because he thought he was too dumb to even kill himself. The other times there’d never been a note or much of a warning, and at this point Sasuke figured that maybe one day Suigetsu might try yet again and just succeed. He’d hate to lose him, but fuck, the boy deserved salvation.

 

“You’ve never been just some filthy toy to me”, he whispered although he knew how pretentious he sounded when really all he ever did was use him but it was impossible to show the boy how he saw him. If he only could, Suigetsu would see how much more he was to him.  
He’d always loved him, but more like family. Suigetsu had never been boyfriend material because of how broken he was, but that was okay, at least for him.  
He never heard how Suigetsu cried each time he left him again. He never felt the pain and the irritation in the boy’s heart, he only ever saw his beautiful smile that he was sure could save worlds.

And thus, he left again without saying anything else. Time to return to what he’d run from. And that was gonna hurt. Technically, he had fucked up. No, not just technically, he had indeed fucked up. He was in a relationship with Naruto, they’d talked about that somehow, and then he’d gone and slept with Suigetsu. That was downright cheating. Naruto had every reason to just leave him. Fuck.

When he checked his phone he only noticed that there was nothing there. Naruto was probably still asleep, drunk as he’d been. God, that reminded him that he really didn’t want to face the blond today, because hungover was nearly as bad as drunk. He didn’t want to hear anything about how dumb people could be to always drink so much they turned silly and then felt sick for a whole day afterwards. That couldn’t be such a great high that everyone did it. He knew what being drunk, no intoxicated, felt like. He had made his own experiences with alcohol as well, but none of them had ever ended well. He’d even woken up in the hospital once and they’d had to pump his stomach because he’d had so much he could easily just have died because he’d basically poisoned himself with it.  
Alcohol was the worst of all the drugs he’d tried, hence he’d stuck with the weed. It made him relax, nothing more. Lit up the mood a little when he felt down, but not too much to make him reckless, exactly what he needed.

Whatever he tried, he would inevitably have to face Naruto today again and he was not yet sure how he’d go about with it. He probably shouldn’t even tell him. Suigetsu never would. The boy always kept their meetings a secret, so that was nothing to worry about.  
He decided it was best to just go to his room for a while. He still felt miserable, even more so than before, but he didn’t feel alone anymore. That was exactly his problem, the fact that he wasn’t alone, and that there was someone he’d hurt, only that Naruto didn’t even know yet that he’d been hurt.  
“Fuck!”

When someone knocked on his door, he fell back into old routines without thinking and answered: “Go away!”

Instead, the door just opened, and much to his surprise, it was neither Naruto, nor Suigetsu.  
“Shika?”

“Sasuke. Suigetsu called me.”

Shit.  
“So?”

Shikamaru just shook his head, as he closed the door. “Don’t play stupid. You know exactly what this is about.”  
Only now Sasuke noticed the brunettes clenched fists.

“Since when is this your problem?”

“It isn’t. But it should be yours.”  
Shika’s face was dead serious when he looked Sasuke right in the eyes.  
“You know, you are my friend, I really enjoy your company, but you seem to enjoy Sui’s company a little too much, am I right?”

“I still don’t see how this is any of your business”, Sasuke bit out, not even sure yet what Shikamaru was trying to achieve.

“Stay away from Sui.”

“Or what?”  
Their eyes were locked, fists clenched.

“You are such a pain in the ass, Uchiha. I’m not gonna get down on your level. Just leave Sui alone.”  
His tone sounded calm, but his body wasn’t. Even his breathing came unsteady, making his discomfort only more apparent.

“All I’m saying is there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“So, Naruto already knows, huh?”

Sasuke’s heart dropped. He’d never imagined Shika to be like this. Honestly it irritated him that he even bothered to come to his room and confront him. So, he indeed had feelings for Suigetsu, good to know. Too bad Suigetsu didn’t know. That would cheer him up for once. But Shika would probably never tell him, because he’d never be willing to have a relationship. They were too bothersome he always said and, evidently, he was right with that. Far too much drama for something that was supposed to make you feel good about your life and yourself. At the moment Sasuke couldn’t really see how that would work. He’d probably lose Naruto on the same day even.

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Yeah, that’s what I figured. What’s your fucking problem? Isn’t it enough that you’re some fucked up psycho? Do you really need to drag everyone down with you?” Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Sui’s been well, you know. There was no reason to step in again like that. No reason at all, Uchiha! Other than the fact that you needed a cheap outlet for your fucking emotions. How ‘bout you do what you usually do and just go cut yourself? Hurts no one but the one who really deserves it.”

Shika’s words hit him hard, but instead of answering him, he jumped at the brunette and threw his fist at his face with enough force he was sure he’d leave a black eye. He’d get his ass handed for talking down to him like that, that much Sasuke was sure of. He knew Shikamaru was not even remotely as strong as him because he never bothered to go to the gym, and he never got into fights. Sasuke, on the other hand, did both frequently.

“Shit, you’re insane!”

“You were threatening me!”

“I wasn’t threatening to punch you, you fucked up individual!”  
Sasuke couldn’t take more of Shika’s words and continued to rain his fists down at him. And all Shikamaru really did was cover his face, because Sasuke was in such rage, there was no way anyone could keep up with him when he was like that.

“Stop! For fuck’s sake!”  
Shikamaru could only try to get through to him as he felt the bruises forming on his face and arms.  
“You’re hurting me!”  
He finally put up all of his strength and shoved Sasuke off, sending him flying backwards against his chair, which finally snapped him out of it.  
“Shit”, he hissed.

“Shit indeed! Are you out of your fucking mind?”  
Shikamaru got up only slowly, his whole body hurting like hell.

Sasuke was visibly shaken himself.  
“Isn’t that kinda obvious? Fuck, man, I’m sorry.”

The brunette let himself fall onto Sasuke’s bed. “Damn, you got me good.” He cautiously felt his face to even try and make out where exactly he hurt, or where he didn’t.

“Dude, is your nose alright? Shit, I- You should cool that.”

“Could you just get me a cloth and roll a spliff?”

“Sure thing.”

After they’d smoked together, most of their conflict had been settled really, or rather it wasn’t important anymore. Shikamaru wouldn’t hold a grudge at him for what happened, Sasuke agreed to supply them for a while and they talked like reasonable people about what had happened with Sui.

“So, you really like Suigetsu, hn?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Kinda.”

“Shit.” 

Sasuke lit another one and sat down on the floor next to his bed. “What are you gonna do about it?”

Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders.  
“Dunno. Nothing, I guess.”

“Too bad, you’d be great together.”

“Yeah, but Sui’s such a troublesome person, it can be overwhelming.”  
Shika sighed as if he was really considering the option of telling Suigetsu for the first time. He probably was.

“That’s right”, Sasuke admitted and passed him the joint. “But I think it’ll be worth it. Wouldn’t harm you to go out more often.”

“Yeah, right.” The brunette chuckled. “What ‘bout you and blondie?”

“I don’t think I can fix this really.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

“Dickhead. Haven’t had enough yet, have ya?”  
They both had to laugh at this. Thank god Shika was such a reasonable person after all. With how it started, it could have ended much worse.

“So, we cool again?”, Shikamaru finally asked.

“Yeah, cool.”

They must have fallen asleep at some point; Shikamaru in Sasuke’s bed and Sasuke on the floor next to it. Nothing that never happened before, still unusual. When the Uchiha woke up, the first thing he did was indeed check his phone, just in time to prepare him for who was about to knock on his door barely a minute later.  
“I’m coming over now” read the last text message from Naruto in his phone and it had been sent just minutes ago, after Sasuke had failed to answer the messages before it.

“Shit”, he groaned. “Shika! Shika, wake up! Naruto’s on his way!”

“Huh? Wha-“

“Please, let me tell him another time, okay?”  
He almost begged while the brunette still wasn’t fully awake yet.

“Sure, cool”, he only said and slowly sat up, leaning against the wall behind the bed for support.

 

“Sasuke!”  
Shouting before you’d even knocked was such an awful character trait.

A lot of things about Naruto were awful if he thought about it like that.  
“Door’s unlocked, just come in”, he called back and sighed.

The room reeked of weed so strongly, the first thing Naruto did once he’d entered was to open the window. “Geez, have you been turning this room into a smoke box?”

“Hey Naruto”, Shikamaru greeted him, still leaning against the wall.

“Yeah, hey. Did you sleep here?”

“Just now, yes. Last night, no.”  
His answer was honest, though cryptic.

“I shouldn’t ask, should I?”

Shikamaru just shook his head and looked at Sasuke who shrugged his shoulders.  
“How come you’re not hungover like hell? You were drunk as fuck last night.” Coming from Sasuke it sounded almost like an accusation. Then again it probably was, since he hated drinking so much.

“It’s not that bad if you drink enough water, which I always make sure to do.”  
He trained his look on Sasuke. “So, where’d you go last night? I remember you taking me to my room, but you weren’t there when I woke up in the middle of the night.”

“I’ll be off then, see ya”, Shikamaru made a quick leave, not wanting to disrupt the talk they were obviously going to have.  
Sasuke raised his hand to bid him goodbye in a subtle way and Naruto just nodded at him.

“So”, he raised his voice after the door had closed behind Shika. “Mind telling me where you went after that?”

“Look, Naruto, I didn’t want to stay with you because of how drunk you were. You know I can’t stand that.” He still tried to avoid having to tell him today.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” He was right, it didn’t.  
“Did you come here on your own?”

“What are you asking that for?”

“Cause Shino saw you leaving Sui’s room this morning. Care to explain?”  
There was pain in Naruto’s features all of a sudden. Sasuke hated to see him this way, but it was his fault after all. Had he not been such an idiot, they wouldn’t be in this situation right now.

With that, he had to abandon his plan completely. Naruto didn’t deserve to be treated like he did, and he didn’t deserve to be lied to.  
“I wish there was an easy explanation that made sense, or at least one that would clear this all up, but I’m afraid there isn’t.” Sasuke’s gaze fell to the floor. He’d never felt bad about having more than one person at once, so it came as a surprise to him that it bothered him this much. He really cared about what Naruto felt and that freaked him out more than he’d care to admit.  
“I wish I could say that this isn’t what it looks like, but I can’t.” Gods, he was growing frustrated with himself with each word he said. “It’s exactly what it looks like, I’m sorry.”  
He could barely bring himself to peek up at Naruto, only to meet the most pained gaze he’d ever seen in his whole life. The boy looked like he’d just straight up ripped the heart out of his chest and torn it to pieces. Technically, he had, but he’d never thought it would be this bad.

“I see.”  
It was the only thing that came across the blond’s lips. No curses, no insults, he didn’t even shout at him. Why was he so composed?

“I’m sorry, Naruto.”

“I should have known from the start.”

Sasuke didn’t know if it was the pain in Naruto’s beautiful blue eyes or the fact that he didn’t even seem surprised that hurt him the most. At the moment he just hurt. Had it been worth it? Not at all. He’d managed to let down three people at once, which might not have been a new high score for him, but this time he’d managed to hurt people that were really important to him, which made it twice as bad.  
“It’s okay if you hate me now.”

“Oh, I do. Don’t you think you can just get away with cheating on me like this. You might be handsome, but that doesn’t make up for your shitty personality all the time. This time, Sasuke, you have fucked up. You have fucked up big time.”  
Naruto swallowed hard before his voice got weaker.  
“I trusted you. I know it was a bad idea to trust such a messed up fuck, but I still did.” He sobbed.  
“I put all reason aside to get this close to you, and you- you let me in. I thought-“  
His voice broke and he had to take a shuddering breath before he could speak again. “I thought I was special.”

“But you are. We wouldn’t have this talk otherwise.”

There was a bitter laugh between the blond’s sobs.  
“Thanks then, for even caring to tell me you fucked someone else. A noble move on your part.”  
His voice grew louder by the end. “We could have been something! Fuck!”  
Naruto hissed in pain when his fist hit Sasuke’s desk hard.

“Naruto, please calm down.”  
Although he really wanted him to stop, Sasuke didn’t dare to step closer. He’d never seen Naruto quite this disrupted and he wasn’t sure what he could even do about it. The only thing he knew was that he was exactly the wrong person to try and calm him.

“I can’t believe this! You fucking tell me I’m not only a joke to you and then you go fuck Sui the same damned day! How the fuck would I be able to ever believe a word you said again? Are you not thinking?”  
He was shouting, finally, but it didn’t make Sasuke feel any better. He’d thought it would, but knowing just how much pain he caused the blond made everything worse, although he wondered how that was still possible.  
Naruto shook his head in disbelief. “Why? Just tell me why, you fucking coward!”

“That will not help you either”, Sasuke tried.

“It’s not up to you to decide that! Now speak before I lose my temper!”

Sasuke sighed. He really didn’t want to discuss this any further. Why’d he even told Naruto in the first place? He could’ve just lied about it. Maybe he would have gotten away with the lie. But something about the blond made him want to be open to him. He didn’t want to keep this from him, he deserved to know. For the first time, Sasuke didn’t consider lying an option; Naruto deserved the truth. “I was lonely. Fuck, this sounds like such a cheap excuse, but it’s the truth. When I left your room, I felt alone, and I was miserable. Suigetsu has always been the only one I could turn to at whatever hour of the night. I’m not even hoping that you understand this, because it wasn’t right, but it just happened. It was an old habit coming back up, nothing more, when Suigetsu was there for me.”

“So, you’re calling this an old habit? Is Sui nothing more to you than an old habit?”  
Turned out he’d made it worse by his choice of words, great. “Then what am I to you? A new habit? Or not quite yet a habit even?”

“That’s not what I said. You’re twisting the facts, Naruto, that’s not fair.”

“Talking about fair when you fucked Sui, again such a noble move. How can you be so fucking full of yourself and hate yourself so much at the same time? It doesn’t make sense! Nothing about you ever makes sense, you damned nutcase!”

Naruto had never insulted him on such a personal level before, or at least it had never hit Sasuke like it did in that moment, because he could tell the blond meant it this time.  
“I don’t know where you want this conversation to go, Naruto…”

“I don’t know either! You make me furious!”  
The blonde’s voice was as shaky as his whole body, but Sasuke couldn’t tell if he was shaking from sadness or anger. If he had to guess, he’d bet on the latter, because he had the strong feeling he was about to get hit.

But the hit never came. Instead, Naruto just stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Sasuke had indeed fucked up big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I've finished this fanfic I'll edit it in its entirety to get rid of any continuity issues and to make the change in my style of writing less apparent, but for now, this'll have to do.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally edited this mess of a chapter. It's a bit short but it's got everything it needs, so here you go.

Sasuke woke up and he felt like shit. At least he recognized the room he was in. It wasn’t his own but he was somewhere he knew, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on who’s room it was yet.

“Good morning, sunshine”, Suigetsu blasted in his ear as he still struggled to wake up completely.

“Morning…”

“Mind telling me what you came here for in the middle of last night?”

“Can’t remember.” He squinted his eyes. “Was it sex?”

“You were so drunk off your ass, even if you’d tried you wouldn’t have been able to get it up, sweetheart.”

Sasuke’s head hurt like hell and his knuckles felt familiarly uncomfortable. When he checked them and found they were bloody, he knew what that meant; good old fist fight he must have had.  
“Does my face look alright?”

“Surprisingly so, although I’ve seen your knuckles. Any idea who your opponent was?”

“Nah, not a clue.” He rubbed his forehead. “But I bet he deserved it.”

“Since when do you even drink? You never drink.”

“I don’t know to be honest. I don’t even remember going out-“

“Well, obviously you did. You were hella drunk when you arrived here at like 2 a.m. I was so close to not even letting you in, Sasuke.”  
His voice was a little louder than it needed to be but it lacked the biting undertone that would have conveyed anger. He sounded more worried than angry really.

“I’m sorry. I can’t remember shit-“  
The moment he wanted to say more his phone rang and he picked up faster than he could think once he saw Naruto’s caller ID.

“Dude, what the fuck even?”  
Naruto’s voice was easily loud enough for Suigetsu to hear him.

“Not so loud, please, Naruto.”

“So, you got yourself a hangover, eh?”, the blond pretty much shouted. “Serves you damn well! You have no clue how much of a hell my night was after your damned call! I thought-“

“My- call?”

“Yeah, your call. You called me in the middle of the night, you shithead! I had lectures this morning, so I was already asleep when you decided to just wake me up to slur into the phone like some idiot!”

“That way you were at least able to see what that’s like, am I right”, he said sarcastically. “Now, if you’d please stop shouting. I do have a nasty headache.” He let out a deep breath. “Why’d you call anyhow?”

“I- We need to talk about what happened. Anyways, mind telling me what the fuck happened with you and Sasori? Your call was kinda incoherent.”

“S- Sasori? Oh gods, no. What exactly did I tell you?”

“Like that even matters, just tell me what the shit happened!”

“I don’t remember a thing, Naruto. What. Did I. Tell. You?”

“You boasted about how you’d met him and talked to him.”

“Shit.”

“What? What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
He was still far too loud.

“Naruto, I think I done fucked up.”

“Like that’s something new with you! Just what the fuck happened?”

“Look, I don’t remember anything, but I know I got into a fight last night. I was just trying to figure out with whom. Fuck!”  
Sasuke was growing more and more distressed by the minute. Except for his head his body didn’t feel too bad. He began feeling it for bruises and actually found some nasty ones, but nothing that looked like he’d actually lost. Their last encounter had ended much worse for him because he hadn’t fought back, so he knew what Sasori was capable of. But there was hardly any scratch on him.

“Sasuke, what the shit?”

“All I’m saying is I didn’t lose the fight last night, Naruto. If I really fought Sasori, I wonder what happened. Have you got that fuck’s number?”

“Me? Why the heck would I? It’s not like we’re friends or something.”

“I got Deidara’s number. He’s friends with him”, Suigetsu cut in. “I know him from a while back. Actually a nice guy, only got the wrong friends. We used to have Art Studies together.”

“You’re only saying this now?”  
Sasuke’s tone was raised now.

“What is it? What is it?”  
Naruto was getting nervous.

“Suigetsu just told me he’s got the number of one of Sasori’s dickheads.”

“You’re at Sui’s?”  
The sudden sad undertone in Naruto’s voice mad him regret his words immediately. Shit, he hadn’t thought before he’d said it. Of all people, this had to be between the three of them.

“Yeah, I- I kinda crashed here last night.” He made a short pause to take a breath but then continued before Naruto could say anything. “Why don’t you just come over? It would make things much easier.”

“I- Look, I really don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Don’t be like that. Come here, we’ll talk about all the things you want to talk about, okay? And we’ll figure out what the fuck happened last night.”

He heard the breath that caught in Naruto’s throat. Was he actually crying?  
“Okay.” It was rushed, so he couldn’t really tell and then the call was ended on Naruto’s end.

“Sasuke, do you really reckon this is the best idea? You, me and him? I don’t-“

“Yeah, don’t give me shit now, Suigetsu. Can we please just discuss one topic after the other?”  
The headache was beginning to wear him out. “Can you just get my something strong against pain? I fell like I’ll be sick.”

Suigetsu gave him an almost angry look but then still got up and got him something.  
“You are one lucky bastard to have so many people around you bending at your will, do you know that?”

“Yeah, I know.”  
He swallowed the pill dry.   
“I’ll begin to appreciate that from now on, I promise.”

“Geez, you must really be feeling like a dog. You’re beginning to sound insane.”

“Because I just said something nice? Fuck you, Suigetsu.”

Naruto arrived not too long after he’d hung up. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like shit altogether. But after Sasuke had gone through his phone he could see why. There were so many messages and missed calls from the blond he wondered why Suigetsu hadn’t picked up. But then again, he knew exactly why. Suigetsu actually had shame, which he obviously lacked.

“You just hung up last night”, the blond said, biting his lip as he glared at Sasuke. He hadn’t acknowledged Suigetsu in any way just yet.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t in control of what I was doing.”

“Yeah, I noticed!” He gritted his teeth, his eyebrows trembling. “I was worried sick, you damned idiot.”

“I didn’t mean to make you worry.” By now Sasuke had finally managed to get up and was only sat at the edge of the bed anymore for the lack of chairs and space in the room. He cautiously reached out for Naruto, yet stopping midair when the blond didn’t react at all. “I’m so, so sorry.” This wasn’t about last night anymore. This was about another night altogether.

“Everything just sucks lately, you know? I can’t go on like this! That’s not how I wanted things to be!”

Suigetsu sat awkwardly on the only chair in the room, the one at his desk, but didn’t dare to interrupt the two of them. He was so incredibly out of place he would have loved to just vanish into thin air, but that wasn’t a possibility here, so he cleared his throat, trying not to make it seem rude but failing miserably at that.

“Shit, sorry Sui. I wasn’t meaning to ignore you. I just-“  
Naruto began awkwardly.

“It’s alright. I’m just saying we should maybe just call Deidara already to begin to clear up this mess a little at least.”

“Yeah, you’re right”, Sasuke replied. “Shit, I wonder what happened.”

“Shhh”, Suigetsu made, the phone already on his ear.

“Sorry to bother you after such a long time.”  
It was impossible to hear the other person through the phone. They managed pretty well to keep their voice down, as opposed to a certain blond in the room.

“Yeah, look, I know I should have probably kept in touch in another way, so this makes this kinda awkward, but… about your friend Sasori there-“

“Oh, I see. Yeah, that’s kinda what I wanted to talk about ‘cause I think I know who did that to him.”

“You were there? But why-“  
A moment of silence, then he began to chuckle.

“I see. So, that’s how this is, yeah? What a relief! Is he alright, though?”  
He was still saying all this while chuckling lightly.

“What is it?”, Sasuke mouthed at him, almost hissing the words at him, but Suigetsu just motioned for him to wait.

“Good to hear that’s how it was! Thanks so much for telling me.” He made a slight pause but not long enough for the other to answer in the meantime. “Maybe we should grab a coffee sometime? What do you think?”

“Yeah, Thursday sounds awesome! I’ll hit you up!”  
With that, he ended the call smilingly.

“So, what is it?”, Naruto pressed.

“Did you just arrange a date for yourself?”  
Sasuke gave him a stern look.

“You jealous?”

Naruto’s eyes turned sad the minute the words had left Suigetsu’s mouth. He couldn’t be that casual about it while for Sasuke and Suigetsu, this was normality. That’s what they were like, and seeing that probably hurt him even more.   
Silence filled the room and was threatening to make the air in it heavy as lead.

“So, what did he say?”, Sasuke asked, trying to save the situation anyhow although this only made it more awkward because the topic at hand was quite delicate itself.

“Said you got him good but he deserved it, so it’s fine.”

“Really? That’s it? There must be more to it. What exactly did he say to you?”

“Look, he said you were wandering about when he and Sasori bumped into you outside. They’d been hanging out as well and when Sasori saw you he immediately started provoking you again. He’d maybe have attacked you again anyways was what Deidara told me. He was looking for some serious confrontation in that moment and you just happened to not let him have it that time.”  
Suigetsu had to suppress a childish giggle.  
“He said you had your fist in Sasori’s face so fast he couldn’t even anticipate it. He was quite impressed with your speed considering how slurred your talking was.”

“I talked to them?”

“Nothing important. Or rather nothing that made much sense, but he was really impressed at how accurate your punches were. Especially when you walked off almost falling down because of how hammered you apparently were. And I know for a fact that he’s right on that.”  
This time he giggled a little.  
“You broke his nose, his eyes are both black and Deidara says he’s a whiny bitch because his whole body hurts. You really handed him his ass, good for you. And the best part is, you didn’t even start this, so there’s no way he can get at you for assault. Not that he would have done that anyway. He’s not like that, Deidara says. He thinks Sasori will never bother you again. He managed to land a few punches on you as well, but from what Dei told me it was really nothing too remarkable. He was sure you were alright while Sasori will be stuck in bed for a few days in order to recover.”  
Suigetsu proceeded to pat his shoulder, which earned him a toxic look from Naruto that he ignored.  
“Congratulations, man. That was quite a stunt you pulled there. I think that’s what defending your honor looks like, except for almost making an ass out of yourself as you walked away, but that is something that can be overlooked.”

“That sounds quite awesome.”

“It does indeed”, Naruto had to admit. Considering how strong Sasori was – he knew first hand after all – Sasuke must have gone straight into beast mode upon seeing him.

“Oh, and Deidara wanted to know who Naruto was. Apparently you mentioned his name a few times.”  
Suigetsu looked at Naruto in order to catch his face at the revelation and was satisfied to see him surprised at the news.

“I mean- It was kinda bugging me for a while. I couldn’t let him get away with it like that, could I?”

“But if you can take him on so easily, why didn’t you fight back when he attacked you that first time?”, Naruto asked, still trying to regain his composure.

Sasuke let his gaze drop to the floor in front of the bed.  
“I didn’t feel like fighting that day-“  
He began playing with his fingernails.  
“-and figured he’d just stop if I wouldn’t fight back.”

“Come on, don’t tell me that was about hurting yourself!”

“That doesn’t matter now, does it? All that matters is that he got what he deserved after all, right?”

Naruto looked strangely shaken and didn’t answer.

“You alright?”, Sasuke asked, this time reaching for his wrist. The blond immediately broke down in a waterfall of tears at his touch.

“No- just to think- for me-“  
There was no way to understand him with how upset he was, so Sasuke just went for pulling him onto the bed and wrapped his arms around him.

“Shhh, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk now.”  
Comforting people really wasn’t his thing. He’d rather the blond would just stop crying.

“’Kay-“

“I’ll go and get us something from the cafeteria. I’ll be back in a while”, Suigetsu told mostly Sasuke as Naruto wasn’t exactly receptive, and left quickly. He was such a good guy it almost hurt Sasuke. He knew how much it pained Suigetsu to see him like this with someone else, yet he even made room for them. Shit, there was no way he’d ever be able to pay him back for all he’d ever done. He’d done so damn much for him. Of course, Naruto couldn’t see that.

While he just held him, the blond slowly seemed to calm down but didn’t try to push him away.  
When there was no resistance from him whatsoever, Sasuke decided it was safe to test waters with him and pressed his face to Naruto’s head.  
“I wronged you”, he whispered. He didn’t dare to speak any louder for the words he said stung his own heart like daggers, but he had to get them out so desperately. Naruto needed to hear him.  
“I lost control. I lose control far too often, but that was the first time I deeply regretted it. Listen”, he paused to catch his breath and steady his shaky voice again.   
“This is all new to me. Hell, I’d never figured I’d ever have something like this – like you. I didn’t really think I’d make this far anyway.” The chuckle that left him spoke of unbearable bitterness. “When I met you again here, I was on the brink of-“   
He bit his lower lip “- of doing something really stupid. But ever since there’s been you, all I can think about is how to go on, because I want this to go on for the sake of being with you. I’m not alright. I’ll never be. But for the first time I think that can actually be okay. Fuck-“  
He bit back a sob and continued.  
“It was you who made me want to keep on so bad, I let you take all those things from me that were so dear to me. I would have never given them to anyone else.”  
His voice had grown thinner and thinner until it had finally betrayed him at the end, making him draw Naruto closer to his body and bury his face in the crook of his neck. He didn’t have to say much more. Naruto was a crying mess in his arms again and Sasuke had yet to hear what the blond even had to say to him. This was not about asking for another chance. This was not about him getting what he wanted. This was about making Naruto feel that he really cared about him, making him know just how important he was. Shit, he was everything to him. He could now remember that he called Naruto right after he’d gotten away from the scene of the fight because the blond had been all that was on his mind. In the end, it always came down to Naruto.

“I don’t know if we can work this out”, the blond whispered after a while.

“That’s okay.”  
It really wasn’t but what was he to say anyway? If he’d push Naruto now everything would be lost for good and that, he didn’t want. Things were bad enough the way they were.

“I should hate you.”  
The blond was trembling again.  
“But I just can’t.”

“I’m sorry”, Sasuke whispered softly.

“Why can’t I just fucking hate you?”  
There was such desperation in Naruto’s voice it made Sasuke’s chest constrict. This was his doing, he was doing this to Naruto, the only one he’d ever loved this deeply.

“I wish I could tell you that. I really wish I could. You don’t deserve to be hurt by me like that.”

Naruto shushed him at that.  
“Don’t. Even now, you still can’t realize what kind of an amazing person you are that you still got me and- and Sui around.”  
Mentioning Suigetsu clearly tore at him.

“No, if I was a decent person I wouldn’t put you through all this, none of you.”

“It’s not your fault, Sasuke. Just look at your body. You’re not in control, we both know that. I guess part of me never expected to be in a normal relationship with you. In the end-“ He swallowed hard.  
“In the end I can probably be glad that you got rid of your emotional pressure like that instead of-“  
His breath caught in his throat, making him unable to say it out loud.

Tears streamed down his face and his voice was strained.  
“I just- wish you’d come to me- had I not been so drunk-“

“Naruto, no. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s not your fucking fault that I-“  
-am a fuckup.   
It was on his mind but he couldn’t say it. Now that it really mattered his voice chose to leave him to himself, although he’d never been quite this short of words in his life before. He’d always been the type to just say the things on his mind out loud, even when he talked to Kakashi, but now he just couldn’t bring himself to put into words what might hurt Naruto again. It felt as if he was cheating on him all over.

“That you fucked Sui? No. But that I caused you to feel alone, that one’s on me.”

There was not much he could say to that because Naruto was right. He would have spent the night with him, had Naruto’s being drunk not caused him to practically flee the scene. Still, it didn’t excuse his actions, it never would.

“See? You know that I’m right? I could have easily caused you to- to cut yourself again”, the blond sobbed. 

“Don’t-“

“We both know I’m right!”  
Yes, they did both know that. That made saying it even more unnecessary.

“I will get help, I promise.”  
It merely escaped him while he was frantically looking for anything to say that would make Naruto feel better somehow.

“What?”

“I don’t know- Maybe I’ll- I could go back to the hospital?“

“But they only make you worse!”

“In the beginning, yes. The thing is that with trauma therapy you’re bound to dig up shit that your psyche had suppressed for a damn good reason. Once that is done, you start working on it though.”  
He knew every last bit about therapy, yet it had never made him go through it. He wasn’t afraid of something unexpected happening to him, he was afraid of what he knew would happen. Facing your own demons took a lot of strength; strength he didn’t think he had.

“But it didn’t help you so far-“

“Because I never let it”, he admitted. “I never gave it a chance, always quit when it got hard, but in the end, I guess there’s no other option. Not if I want to stay here with you.”  
‘Here with you’ meaning alive, not university. He knew very well himself that if nothing changed he was headed for suicide. He’d long ago reached the state of not wanting to live anymore, and he simply waited for the moment that his mind decided he’d had enough and was finally ready to end it all.

“I can’t lose you”, Naruto cried.

“You won’t. I swear to god, Naruto, you won’t.”  
Although he wondered how they’d gotten to this point, he wasn’t going to question it. Did that mean they were together again? Did it even matter what exactly they were, when he had Naruto in his arms, crying about the unfairness of the world? They were young, they were supposed to enjoy the best time of their lives, yet here they were; afraid that they might lose each other to the darkness that was Sasuke’s mind. 

“I love you”, Naruto barely got out.

“I love you, too.”

It didn’t mean they were back together. But love was a promise they figured they could give each other. Even if they ended up apart, there would be love. It was a fact none of them could change, even if they wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I couldn't just give you the grand makeup™. It wouldn't have made sense.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, I guess. Wow, last chapters sure do feel weird.  
> This chapter has sex, you were warned.

Sasuke had hoped he could just make the pain go away like he always did but this time it just wouldn’t work. He’d made more than one cut before he’d stopped himself. This had to stop, he’d promised Naruto he’d stop. The thought of Naruto alone was enough to make him refrain from doing another cut. The blade rested impatiently in his hand as he began to gather all the willpower he had left in him in order to make himself put it away. He wasn’t going to let this fucking piece of metal have so much control over him.  
Naruto was right, he was killing himself slowly if he went on like this. Even if Naruto wasn’t his boyfriend anymore, he wouldn’t disappoint him again, for his own good as well.  
His hands were still shaking with the need to make cut after cut until the pain finally subsided but instead of taking the blade again, he made a call.

“What do you want?”  
Naruto sounded a little strained. Their relationship hadn’t been bad but it also hadn’t been good lately, and it was 1 a.m. after all.

“Help”, he said with a shaky voice. 

“Sasuke! Are you alright?”  
He sounded wide awake now.  
“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just- I can’t- Naruto, I can’t bring myself to do another cut. I don’t want this anymore. Please, come here.”  
He realized how pathetic he sounded but he was so weak he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. Naruto had seen him at his lowest after all. It wasn’t like he still had anything to lose.

“Stay right there, I’ll be over in no time!”

Naruto didn’t hang up until he’d reached Sasuke’s room for he knew exactly he couldn’t leave Sasuke alone like this for even the five minutes it would take him to get there.

He didn’t knock and just entered, prepared to see that gruesome sight he’d seen before, once again but when he was only met with Sasuke sitting on his bed and staring at the wall on the opposite side he was surprised.  
The Uchiha’s head only turned towards him when he spoke.  
“I came as fast as I could.”

“Yeah, that seems to be a habit of yours.”  
It was apparent he’d been trying to joke but no trace of a grin was to be seen on his face. His sleeves were pulled down over his hands even and he busied his fingers by playing with the hem.

“Sasuke, what’s wrong?”

“Everything. Was it that hard to guess?”  
He only looked at Naruto briefly before letting his gaze fall to the floor.  
“There’s nothing in my life that seems to be alright.”

“Look, if this is about us… I’m sorry, but I can’t just forgive you like that. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me but you did. There’s no denying-“

“Not everything in this world is about you, Naruto.”  
He sighed. He’d called the blond here in order not to be alone anymore and here he was, attacking him. He was sabotaging himself by making Naruto uncomfortable to the point the blond would leave again.

“I’m not stupid, Sasuke. You can cut the crap, I won’t leave you.”  
Naruto turned the key that Sasuke had left inside the lock around and took it into his pocket.  
“None of us will leave like this. You didn’t call me here in order to make me go away again. So, just tell me what I can do to make it better.”

“Kiss me.”  
He had nothing to lose, so he figured it was worth a shot.

Much to his surprise, Naruto did step closer, tilted his chin up and placed a tender kiss onto his lips. Sasuke didn’t dare try to make more out of it, so he let Naruto pull away again as well.  
“I miss you”, the blond whispered. “I know it’s stupid. You’ve been a complete jackass, but fuck it, I miss you.”  
Before Sasuke could even come up with so much as an answer, Naruto’s lips were on his again and he was pushed backwards ever so gently.

“Please, just promise me you won’t do it again.”

“I never would”, Sasuke said and he really meant this time. He would never do this to Naruto again. He would think the next time – no, there wouldn’t even be a next time.

“I just want you back at my side”, Naruto admitted as he let himself sink into the mattress next to the Uchiha. There was a slight pause in which none of them dared to say a thing until Naruto spoke up again.  
“Sleeves up.”

This was the uncomfortable part about this but Sasuke had known this would happen. It was only natural for Naruto to suggest it after he’d called him for that exact reason.   
He obeyed albeit he really didn’t want to. Not because they were that bad but because he hated when anyone inspected his wrists that closely. They looked pretty shitty in general after all.

Naruto sat up again and carefully took Sasuke’s wrists in his hand to examine them.  
“You know that all these scars are the mark of what happened to you in your past and that you made it through that, do you? You’ve been through all that bullshit and you’re still here. Don’t you ever just think that’s fucking amazing? Not many people are that strong.”

“Strong?”  
He muffled his laughter. “No, that’s not what being strong means I’m afraid. Being strong means you don’t do stupid shit like that in the first place.”

“If you weren’t strong you wouldn’t be here anymore. You’ve been through so much shit, it would have killed other people, but yet, here you are. I think that’s what being strong means, no matter how many scars it gave you.”  
He proceeded to kiss Sasuke’s left wrist. That one was the worst, he was right handed after all.  
Only now did Naruto notice how thin it was. There was barely anything more than skin and bones to it.  
“You haven’t been eating”, he stated. There was no question behind it because he knew.

“I’m sorry”, Sasuke whispered. He didn’t know what he was apologizing for exactly.  
“I’m a burden.”

“No, you shouldn’t be sorry. It isn’t you, it’s life that has treated you like shit and made you who you are. The only thing you can really do is do your best to become a bigger person. That’s what we all do, you know. Life hasn’t been kind to us but that doesn’t mean we have to give in. We’re not weak, Sasuke, we’ll never be. Look at Sui. She’s the most miserable person underneath her cover. Yet, she keeps on living like life was meant for her.”

Suigetsu had never talked to Naruto about his past, Sasuke was sure, and he’d certainly never told Naruto anything. There was no way he could really know.  
“How do you-“

“She has the same smile as you. That same smile, painted a bit too perfectly to be true, and if you stare a little longer you can see it crumble around the edges. That’s not what a happy person looks like. I know that face all too well.”  
Yes, he did. He did because he wore that smile as well. Sasuke recognized it perfectly from his description.

“Why are we all so broken? Will we ever be fixed?”

“We’re not broken. You don’t have to be perfect in order to be okay. It’s okay to be weak and it’s okay to fall apart. It’s just that no one tells us that we get so desperate to always be happy. No one is always happy, we all break down sometimes.”

“Even you?”  
It was a stupid question because he knew the answer but he couldn’t help himself.

“Yes”, Naruto sighed. “Even me. We all just do, no matter how hard we try to hide what we feel. We’re all just human in the end.”

“I don’t feel so human most of the time. Everyone else seems to do so damn well while I just can’t seem to function properly.”

“Don’t you ever dare think like that. You’re alright just the way you are. There’s no need to ‘function’ when everything around you goes to shit. Hell, you’ve seen your parents die before your own eyes at the hands of your own brother. I can tell you, no one would be happy go lucky after something like that happening to them. You have every reason to feel sad, you have every reason to be angry, because life hasn’t been fair to you. And hell, I wish I could rewrite the wrongs that have been written on your soul but I know I can’t and therefore, I won’t despair trying it. And that’s what you should do as well. You should stop trying so hard to be something you’re not. It only pressures you into doing shit like that.”  
He caressed the scars cautiously.

Naruto had a point there and rationally, Sasuke knew he was right. But the feeling just wouldn’t sink in. He couldn’t make himself believe that being weak was really alright. Deep down he still hurt because of Itachi telling him exactly that that one night. He’d told him how weak he was for not even attempting to fight and that he’d never get stronger because he’d always just remain the stupid child he was. He’d not been too wrong. Sasuke had grown up, but he hadn’t become stronger, or so he thought. He hadn’t been able to trace Itachi down and confront him yet, and he wondered if he ever even would.

“I hope I can believe your words one day. For now, I just can’t. I’m sorry, Naruto.”

“That’s alright. I’ll just keep repeating them to you until you finally give in and see what a great person you truly are.”  
The usual grin was back on his face.

“I love you”, Sasuke said without second thought. He probably shouldn’t have said it but he figured life was much too short to keep love to oneself.

“I love you, too, you fucking idiot.”  
He finally let go off Sasuke’s wrists and laid back down next to him, so he could cuddle up to him. It was a nice feeling, although Sasuke couldn’t quite admit that yet. He’d always thought sex was the only thing that really mattered but he now knew that wasn’t true at all. There was much more to a relationship than just sex. In fact, sex wasn’t even the biggest part. He enjoyed the gentle touches and the tenderness much more than meat slamming against meat. He wondered if that was what other people felt like as well, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that was one of the reasons Suigetsu hurt so damn much over him. He’d never really cuddled with them. He’d always rejected Suigetsu’s attempts because he’d only ever gone to them for the sex. It made him feel twice as bad about himself now that he knew how good it felt to have someone so close to you. Suigetsu must have hurt so much during the past years.  
“Fuck…”

“What is it?”

“I was just thinking- I’m sorry, this doesn’t concern you.”  
He’d considered talking about this openly with Naruto for a brief moment but then decided not to. It would have been such an extremely stupid thing to bring up Suigetsu now.

“No, you can tell me anything.”

“Yeah, I could. But that doesn’t mean I have to, does it? This really doesn’t concern you.”

“Is this about Sui?”  
He sat up again slightly and looked at Sasuke.

“Kinda. I was just- I was thinking if- You know, Suigetsu and me, we never cuddled. We were never this close-“

“But you were literally inside each other”, Naruto protested, cutting into his words.

“If you’d just let me finish, god damn it”, Sasuke growled. “I was saying we never cuddled. We never got this close and emotional. It just made me wonder if Suigetsu had missed it all the time. I know I didn’t but maybe he did, and maybe I made him hurt like that.”

“Of course you did! You can’t really be thinking that you never hurt Sui!”  
Deep down Naruto wanted fairness for everyone and you could tell how much it bothered him when people were wronged, even when it came to Sui, he couldn’t help but to grow protective of them.  
“She loves you, she probably did ever since you met. You can’t actually be thinking that shit doesn’t hurt because breaking news, it hurts like fuck. I can see why she can’t say no whenever you go to her. I really shouldn’t be so angry at her and angrier at you, but I just can’t for my own sake. This will inevitably make me stupid one day, Sasuke Uchiha. You will make me go nuts.”

“I’m just so sorry, I make you go through all this shit. You and Suigetsu, you don’t deserve this.”

“Why do you refuse to call her Sui?”

The question cut deep. He didn’t really want to answer it, but he figured he owed Naruto whatever answer he demanded, so he sat up and pinched the bridge of his nose. His sleeves were still pushed up but he didn’t care when he was with Naruto, especially now that he’d seen anyway.  
“See, when we were younger, Suigetsu was still only Suigetsu until one day he met someone. That monster only told him he was beautiful when he dressed up as a girl. He made Suigetsu so desperate to please him, I barely saw him for weeks on end. That person had started calling him Sui, when he was too embarrassed to talk to someone who looked like a girl with a male first name in public. And he told him Sui suited him. All he really did was make Suigetsu his bitch. I tried getting to him but he wouldn’t let me, we almost lost touch completely due to that man. He was a criminal and he’d started using Suigetsu for some of his petty work until one day, he just disappeared. Ever since that day, Suigetsu hasn’t been able to go out without wearing makeup for he could meet him on the streets. And for that moment he wants to look good. Of course, that’s bullshit. Even Suigetsu has begun to see this, but it has been bugging him for ages and I know that it has. That’s why I can’t use that name. It’s not a name he’s chosen himself, but it was given to him by someone who did nothing but abuse him. He can’t even see how handsome he looks without the makeup and fake outfits. Don’t you think that’s a shame?”

“Hearing it like that really does make it sad, yeah. I never thought- I feel so sorry for her.”

“You don’t have to. He’s alright now. He wasn’t back then, but that was long ago. Even though it sometimes may not look like it but he’s moved on. Some day he might even be able to forget about all the pain he’s been through because of that person. After all, he’s moved on. I hope he and Shika can get it on already.”

“Whoa, what? He and Shika? Really? I thought Shika didn’t do relationships.”  
Naruto’s eyes were wide with excitement. He loved gossip and Sasuke knew that so he proceeded to tell him about what Shikamaru had told him.

“Oh. My. God. That changes everything! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because it doesn’t really concern you to be honest.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But still, Sui and Shika, oh my god, everyone would talk!”  
Such news spread around campus like wildfire, everyone knew it.

“Which is why you’ll keep it down, alright? We don’t need people bugging them with things they heard that aren’t even true yet. But for Suigetsu’s sake, I really hope Shika manages to grow some balls already and just get together with him. They’d make a good couple, don’t you think? Suigetsu needs someone who doesn’t fuel his drama and Shikamaru could really use a little action in his life. They’d be great together. I wonder if that’ll ever happen. None of them really is the type to approach someone.”

“So, I don’t really have to worry about you and Sui anymore?”

“Not at all. I’m sorry I made you worry in the first place. I know, Suigetsu and me are close, but there’s really nothing more to it than friendship and the fact that we were there for each other when none of us had anyone else really. That’s why it got physical in the first place. We were both looking for a vent and found just that in each other. It was falling back into an old habit when I went to him that night. I really am sorry, it was wrong and it will never happen again, but it had nothing to with any feelings for each other. It was really nothing more than sex for the sake of venting pressure.”

“That sounds awful if you ask me.”  
Naruto’s face wore an expression of slight disgust.

“I know, right? It really is. There’s nothing romantic about the way our bodies touched. No magic between us, no feelings for each other, just plain fucking. That was nothing compared to what we two have. With you, sex means love. I’ve never felt that before I met you and I’m most thankful for you making me feel this way. But that’s the whole difference. I love you, while I never loved Suigetsu.”

“Ugh, can you please spare me? I know you mean well by explaining but I- I really don’t want to hear any more of it. Only paints you in ugly colors as well.”  
The blond placed his head on Sasuke’s shoulder so the Uchiha could feel his breath against his neck.  
“I could forever lose myself in you, Sasuke Uchiha”, Naruto whispered against the skin and proceeded to press soft kisses to it.

There was no answer, just a low humming sound that spoke of satisfaction.

“I hate your room, y’know. It’s such a cold place. It’s the exact same as mine, how do you manage to make it so unwelcoming?”

“I never wanted anyone here, so it’s perfect. It’s not supposed to be inviting.”

“Let’s move to my room. This one’s too sterile for me. Sex in here would feel like hospital sex.”

“Some people got a thing for that and you’re willing to pass up the opportunity. Shame on you.”  
Sasuke chuckled lightheartedly.

“Ew. I can’t imagine anyone liking that. But I guess the opportunity will arise again anyhow.” He joined the chuckles and then removed himself from Sasuke as he got up.  
“Come on, let’s go.”  
He held his hand out for the Uchiha to grab.

“You don’t have to treat me like some girl, you know. I could rip you to shreds if I wanted to.”  
The Uchiha growled dangerously. He’d proven his combat skills when he’d handed Sasori his ass, so Naruto wouldn’t want to test him in a serious fight. They’d fought before and it had been bad enough but he’d never figured the Uchiha had just gone easy on him. He’d always thought they were about equal in strength, but what Sasuke did to Sasori, he most certainly didn’t want to be done to him.  
It turned out he broke some of his ribs after all and Sasori even had to go to the hospital for treatment for a few days. But in the end, the conflict was now settled. He’d never bother them again, which was certainly a good side to it all.

They almost stumbled into Naruto’s room after they’d collapsed against his door, kissing wildly.  
The tenderness was gone and now replaced by dire need for each other. They hadn’t fucked in weeks now, this called for a messy go.  
Sasuke slammed the door shut behind him, only to have Naruto press him against it violently.  
“I need you so bad you have no idea”, the blond hissed. But Sasuke was sure he had a pretty exact idea as he suffered the same. He’d tried getting himself off to the thought of the blond but in the end the sadness had always won over and made it impossible for him, but that was gone now. Now there was only desperation for each other.

“I want to fuck you so badly”, Sasuke said with a low voice, grabbing Naruto’s ass with both of his hands and using the moment of surprise to switch their positions, so he was the one pinning Naruto against the door.  
“I’ll make you scream”, he hissed.

“That’s what I hope for”, Naruto moaned as Sasuke rubbed against him. They were both hard already.

Hastily, Sasuke pulled Naruto’s shirt off over his head and got rid of his own soon afterwards.  
The blond took in the frail figure before him for a moment before Sasuke’s hand at his crotch pulled him out of his thoughts again.  
“Ng-“

“What? This enough already?”  
Sasuke rubbed him through the fabric that provided almost no friction but with how long he’d been abstinent, Naruto was sure he could come like this as well if the Uchiha kept going.

“Just fuck me already”, he demanded.

“Geez, you have no idea what you’re asking of me.”  
The Uchiha’s voice was so husky, it almost made Naruto moan just at the sound of it.  
There was nothing sexier than the voice of that damned boy.

Their pants were dropped to the floor in no time and Sasuke turned Naruto around forcefully. He could have just told him to turn around but that would have spoilt the fun of applying just a little force.

“Stay put”, he commanded since he had to get the lube and a condom first before they could go on.

When he returned, he immediately greeted Naruto’s entrance with his slick finger demanding to be let in. He didn’t hesitate much before he just pushed it inside. Naruto was no virgin anymore, he was done with taking things slowly.  
“Ah”, the blond let out in surprise at the sudden intrusion and almost immediately began moving his hip towards Sasuke in need for more friction.  
It didn’t take the Uchiha long to add another finger.

“You’re so impatient today.” He would have chuckled, had he been composed enough for that. But he had to fight back his own impatience as well.

He wanted to bury himself inside Naruto so badly, he could barely restrain himself but he didn’t want to hurt him after all. When the blond pressed back against his fingers it took all of his restraint to not just ram into him. God, the boy was irresistible.  
“Fuck”, Sasuke let out frustrated.  
“I’m gonna fuck you senseless, I swear to god.”

He moved his fingers inside the blond in a scissoring motion in order to stretch him well enough but he was slowly losing his patience with the moans he elicited from the blond and the sweat forming on his body. God, it was so hot. The air in the room seemed to have heated up at least five degrees and Naruto was making the lewdest sounds.

“Shit, I can’t hold back with you begging me to be fucked like that”, Sasuke groaned and pulled his fingers out, so he could roll on the condom and position himself at Naruto’s hole.  
He pressed the tip in as slowly as he could muster when Naruto pressed back into him, almost burying him inside to the hilt. At least it felt like that.  
They both moaned loudly at the sudden intensity of feeling.

“Fuck me already”, Naruto bit out, moving his hip back and forth impatiently.

“Geez, you’re so needy today”, Sasuke groaned and then bit down on his lower lip. He’d wanted to at least take it a little slow so the blond could adjust to the girth but if he was begging him like that there was no way he could deny him.  
He gripped Naruto’s hip tightly and held him in place while he began thrusting into him at a painstakingly slow pace. When he dragged his dick out, he held Narutos hip with bruising force as the blond wanted to push back onto him again once he was almost all the way out, but that, he wouldn’t let him do. He pushed back in with the exact same speed he’d pulled out and repeated the motion over and over until he’d reduced Naruto to a moaning mess. The blond groaned in frustration whenever Sasuke held him in place and just paused for a few seconds before pushing back in.

“Fuck, you’re killing me- Ng-“  
The blond’s voice sounded so strained it was the most beautiful thing Sasuke had ever heard.  
He took pleasure in Naruto’s frustration until he gave in to his own primal need and began thrusting into him at a merciless rhythm. He only had so much discipline himself after all.  
He rammed into the blond with such force, he was slammed against the door forcefully.  
“Ahhh!”

Just when he was on the brink of orgasm he decided to take it slow again to drag this out a little longer. He didn’t want it to end just now. He’d just gotten Naruto back, this had to last longer.  
When Naruto tried moving against his grip, he pushed back in and just paused in order to press his lips to the blond’s neck. But instead of kissing him, he bit down on the flesh, almost hard enough to draw blood. Although intended as a punishment it had Naruto cry out in pleasure. When Sasuke then resumed moving his hip, Naruto was sure his legs would give out. He tried supporting his body that was still pressed against the door with his hands to the wooden board, but it didn’t really do much. He was so weak at Sasuke’s hand it was incredible. The thought of having lost all power sent a good chill down his spine. The fact that Sasuke could do all this to him filled him with a new kind of excitement.

He finally came when the Uchiha hit that sweet spot inside him and Sasuke had lived up to his promise of making him scream, because he screamed out his orgasm for everyone to hear.

Sasuke followed him only shortly after, but muffled his voice by biting down on Naruto’s neck again.

“Still not your boyfriend again”, Naruto hissed but it lacked the bite he’d probably intended for it to have.

Their lives returned to a sense of normality after that day. Of course, they would never have a normal relationship and they’d probably never be what Naruto had hoped of a relationship, but he was okay with that. He found peace in Sasuke’s smile and he knew he could cherish just that if nothing more ever came of it.

In the end, trust was extremely hard to gain while it was ridiculously easy to lose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most of you probably didn't expect this to end so abruptly but hear me out on this. This fic was meant to go in a complete different direction. I never meant for Sasuke to live at the end of it, but then I couldn't bring myself to kill him off because that's not even close to sending a useful message. Mental illness is a bitch, but it doesn't have to kill you.
> 
> In the end I had to face the fact that I had told everything I'd wanted to tell. There was sickness, there was drama, but this had to lead somewhere. Editing the last few chapters was a pain in the ass because I constantly found myself contemplating ending this fic early to avoid a bad ending. After Naruto and Sasuke's falling out there was no way they could just get back together although it kinda seems like just that happened at the end. Yet, I find their behavior logical in the context of their whole relationship. Sasuke has driven Naruto into thinking he's responsible for his well-being, and he's dragged him down so far that they've grown co-dependent of each other without Naruto even noticing. That's why he chooses to put the blame for Sasuke cheating on him on Sui entirely, although it breaks his heart as well. The overall emotional situation is still shit. I couldn't see myself writing a real happy ending for this one, which is why I ultimately decided to end this here. There are still another 70k words to this fic on my flash drive, most of them additional chapters (one from Sui's perspective for example that basically told their whole past), alternative versions to chapters and then I wrote like three different endings for this fic that I decided against.  
> So, yeah, this is it. Thank you so much for reading this. You can send your complaints and rants to my Tumblr if you like: @theakani


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